How old are you?

[Red C220]

I think it was the way you asked your question with a lot of assumption and accusation kind of tones “So your wife doesn’t know what day of the week it is and you’re on hook-up sites chasing skirt??”

I can understand someone thinking that way without knowing the full details, but at the same time I’ve faced a very similar situation recently and it’s like the person you once knew is totally gone no matter what you do to try and help. It’s takes a huge toll on your life and wellbeing and at some point you have to look to move forward. It’s a situation that will forever be in your mind until your dying day and is excruciatingly hard to deal with. Red is fortunate that he is able to see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not there yet. Reading what he said stunned me by some of the similarities. Let’s all just be kind and understanding to one another. It takes a lot to share something so personal.

Message me if you want a chat. It's a difficult thing for people to understand if they haven't experienced it. Ultimately though you eventually reach a point where you decide it's time to cut off from it, for your own health and sanity.

What you've explained above about the person you once knew being gone is absolutely true, you're now just dealing with a shell.

I always struggled when she was confused, distressed and upset. Once this morphed to rage, anger and outright hate it actually become easier to deal with (mentally).

 

[Alex225]

It's strange if I'm honest. When you're in it and living it you just get on with it without question. Sure you have to odd bad day or even week where you struggle. But when you look back you seriously wonder "how the hell did I deal with that and remain sane". People outside of the situation look at me and wonder what I'm still doing there and how the hell I deal with it.

You have to remember it's not a conscious decision to arrive at this position, it gradually creeps up on you over time and you adapt to it and create your own coping mechanisms unconsciously.

I can tell you though the exact time, day and date when I decided that I was done, the moment I knew if I didn't start organising a way to undo everything and get her set up somewhere with the right care package that this would eventually kill me. It was January this year and remarkably liberating.

Although not exactly the same situation, I can relate to that mindset where you just crack on with things.

My dad had an aggressive form of MS from before I was born until he passed away when I was 23. You look back at the amount of care and stress it involved looking after him and it's only then you wonder who the hell you made it through those times. Of course you'd never do things differently but there does come a make or break moment. For my dad it was when he required medical care that he couldn't have at home and had to go into a nursing home but I can empathise in a funny way.

It's totally admirable though mate and takes a certainly type of person to be selfless like that.

 

[Darrell]

Although not exactly the same situation, I can relate to that mindset where you just crack on with things.

My dad had an aggressive form of MS from before I was born until he passed away when I was 23. You look back at the amount of care and stress it involved looking after him and it's only then you wonder who the hell you made it through those times. Of course you'd never do things differently but there does come a make or break moment. For my dad it was when he required medical care that he couldn't have at home and had to go into a nursing home but I can empathise in a funny way.

It's totally admirable though mate and takes a certainly type of person to be selfless like that.

A good friends wife is the same.
She’s been bed-ridden for 7 years. They have 24hr care for her. She is 47.

My friend always appears to be upbeat but I’m sure he has his moments though.

They’ve got 2 teenage boys who are now at Uni and my mate now just plods on, driving his black cab waiting for the inevitable.

 

[Red C220]

Although not exactly the same situation, I can relate to that mindset where you just crack on with things.

My dad had an aggressive form of MS from before I was born until he passed away when I was 23. You look back at the amount of care and stress it involved looking after him and it's only then you wonder who the hell you made it through those times. Of course you'd never do things differently but there does come a make or break moment. For my dad it was when he required medical care that he couldn't have at home and had to go into a nursing home but I can empathise in a funny way.

It's totally admirable though mate and takes a certainly type of person to be selfless like that.

My wife has MS, has had it since her early 20's but we were coping pretty well with it with alternative therapies and rehabilitation.

The brain deteroration kicked in not that long ago (less than 4 years ago) then accelerated rapidly over the last 18 months and left all the specialists scratching their heads. It bears all the hallmarks of early onset dementia but due to the MS diagnosis she can't effectively get another condition diagnosed (due to the oddities of how the NHS catagorizes these things) effectively MS trumps every other condition and therefore must be the cause.

 

[JamRocky]

Message me if you want a chat. It's a difficult thing for people to understand if they haven't experienced it. Ultimately though you eventually reach a point where you decide it's time to cut off from it, for your own health and sanity.

What you've explained above about the person you once knew being gone is absolutely true, you're now just dealing with a shell.

I always struggled when she was confused, distressed and upset. Once this morphed to rage, anger and outright hate it actually become easier to deal with (mentally).

It’s unbearably difficult for a long time and the question no one can answer is why. I’ve learnt so much about mental health and still know nothing. Anyway, we move forward the best we can. It takes a lot of time. That’s why I like chatting to folks on here. We have a common interest and I love to see and read what everyone is doing. It might seem weird, but it’s a part of the healing. You take care and I hope things work out for you and that Mrs Red finds some peace.

 

[JamRocky]

It's strange if I'm honest. When you're in it and living it you just get on with it without question. Sure you have to odd bad day or even week where you struggle. But when you look back you seriously wonder "how the hell did I deal with that and remain sane". People outside of the situation look at me and wonder what I'm still doing there and how the hell I deal with it.

You have to remember it's not a conscious decision to arrive at this position, it gradually creeps up on you over time and you adapt to it and create your own coping mechanisms unconciously.

I can tell you though the exact time, day and date when I decided that I was done, the moment I knew if I didn't start organising a way to undo everything and get her set up somewhere with the right care package that this would eventually kill me. It was January this year and remarkably liberating.

Also, when the situation is over things don’t suddenly become wonderful. You get so used to living in a difficult stressful situation for such a long time that your mind can’t let go right away despite the physical situation being much better. It’s a trauma you go through and the tension, stress and anxiety of living with it long term can catch up with you when your life becomes more relaxed. I’m only saying this from experience. It is going to take a long while of self care for your body and mind to adjust to no longer dealing with 24 hour stress. It catches you off guard, so as I say give yourself time to breathe, adjust and lots of self care.

 

[Red C220]

It’s unbearably difficult for a long time and the question no one can answer is why. I’ve learnt so much about mental health and still know nothing. Anyway, we move forward the best we can. It takes a lot of time. That’s why I like chatting to folks on here. We have a common interest and I love to see and read what everyone is doing. It might seem weird, but it’s a part of the healing. You take care and I hope things work out for you and that Mrs Red finds some peace.

It's exactly that. Whilst some might be reading this and wondering why on earth I'm sharing it with a load of strangers. It's the sharing bit that actually helps de load the stress. Sometimes typing it out in black and white or talking about the problem releases some of the angst and goes some way towards helping you answer a few of your own questions.

I realise now at 52 that there's little life can throw at me that will be more difficult to deal with than the events of the last 10 years or so.,(bear in mind I'm also a cancer survivor). Once you understand this, you start to reach a level of inner peace that is strangely calming.

Much is this is also why I seem to be shedding "stuff" I've lost much (but not all) interest in expensive cars and other possessions and I'm finding people and experiences are suddenly becoming far more important to me. I'm not the same person I was, in a good way if I'm honest.

 

[Red C220]

Also, when the situation is over things don’t suddenly become wonderful. You get so used to living in a difficult stressful situation for such a long time that your mind can’t let go right away despite the physical situation being much better. It’s a trauma you go through and the tension, stress and anxiety of living with it long term can catch up with you when your life becomes more relaxed. I’m only saying this from experience. It is going to take a long while of self care for your body and mind to adjust to no longer dealing with 24 hour stress. It catches you off guard, so as I say give yourself time to breathe, adjust and lots of self care.

I started to see the symptoms three years ago (in me not Mrs Red). I was drinking heavily (to cope - two bottles of wine a night every night), obese and generally in a bad way. So I made a conscious decision to change, get out of the environment and do something about getting back on track.

I couldn't just pack up and walk out though, I had a responsibility to make sure she was cared for correctly and everything needs to be undone in the least destructive way possible.

So I organised respite care to allow me to leave the house four times a week. I joined a gym, over 3 years lost 5 stone and got fit, very fit. In fact I've never been this fit in my life.

This has set me up to start my next life, so in reality I've been preparing for this for over three and half years.

 

[Red C220]

As tangents go this thread has gone off on a huge one. However, if anyone reading this recognises anything similar to what they are going through, feel free to message me if you just need to unload. Sometimes just offloading is a huge help.

 

[Piff]

When we met you (I can't remember how many years ago) Mrs Red was wheelchair bound and you appeared to be managing her condition. It is sad to read how the situation has deteriorated.
Brother in law who I mentioned in post 59 was in similar situation though not as bad as yours.
I hope you get Mrs Red settled & can move on with your life. SWMBO sends her love.

 

[davymead]

As tangents go this thread has gone off on a huge one. However, if anyone reading this recognises anything similar to what they are going through, feel free to message me if you just need to unload. Sometimes just offloading is a huge help.

My absolute respect to you fella. Please God enough time for you to enjoy to the full whatever time you have left in your life.

 

[JamRocky]

It's exactly that. Whilst some might be reading this and wondering why on earth I'm sharing it with a load of strangers. It's the sharing bit that actually helps de load the stress. Sometimes typing it out in black and white or talking about the problem releases some of the angst and goes some way towards helping you answer a few of your own questions.

I realise now at 52 that there's little life can throw at me that will be more difficult to deal with than the events of the last 10 years or so.,(bear in mind I'm also a cancer survivor). Once you understand this, you start to reach a level of inner peace that is strangely calming.

Much is this is also why I seem to be shedding "stuff" I've lost much (but not all) interest in expensive cars and other possessions and I'm finding people and experiences are suddenly becoming far more important to me. I'm not the same person I was, in a good way if I'm honest.

We will be OK mate, in time. I’ve said more on here than I have to anyone, so I know where you are coming from about unloading even to those you don’t know. It’s easier in many ways. I apologise if it brings anyone down, but those reading what has been said, having some empathy or just letting it be said are helping more than they know. My original question was to ask how old you all were. I see we all vary in age as much as our life experiences. This thread got quite deep and personal and perhaps that was meant to be. In any case I hope no one was offended and I look forward to chatting some more about the three pointed star and other less intense things

 

[Darrell]

I started to see the symptoms three years ago (in me not Mrs Red). I was drinking heavily (to cope - two bottles of wine a night every night), obese and generally in a bad way. So I made a conscious decision to change, get out of the environment and do something about getting back on track.

I couldn't just pack up and walk out though, I had a responsibility to make sure she was cared for correctly and everything needs to be undone in the least destructive way possible.

So I organised respite care to allow me to leave the house four times a week. I joined a gym, over 3 years lost 5 stone and got fit, very fit. In fact I've never been this fit in my life.

This has set me up to start my next life, so in reality I've been preparing for this for over three and half years.

I read about your weight loss and keep fit regime a while ago and as a Triathlete and ex very heavy smoker and party animal I salute you.

Keep that part of of life up and running cos it’s important.

Somebody else here went from a bit of a bloater to a decent runner but I can’t remember who.

 

[Piff]

Wasn’t me!
But I could do with loosing weight & getting fitter

 

[Darrell]

Wasn’t me!
But I could do with loosing weight & getting fitter

I certainly could.

 

[MD5]

I started to see the symptoms three years ago (in me not Mrs Red). I was drinking heavily (to cope - two bottles of wine a night every night), obese and generally in a bad way. So I made a conscious decision to change, get out of the environment and do something about getting back on track.

I couldn't just pack up and walk out though, I had a responsibility to make sure she was cared for correctly and everything needs to be undone in the least destructive way possible.

So I organised respite care to allow me to leave the house four times a week. I joined a gym, over 3 years lost 5 stone and got fit, very fit. In fact I've never been this fit in my life.

This has set me up to start my next life, so in reality I've been preparing for this for over three and half years.

I remember reading your circumstances at the time and thinking how random life can be and how every blessing should be counted. I hope you now get the cream on the cake with the cherry on top and that you have satisfied the judge and jury's initial questioning.

As for age, I've reached the age where I'm happy to pass the box test. Each morning when I wake up I stick my elbows out. If I'm not in a box, I'm ready for another day!

 

[Alex225]

A good friends wife is the same.
She’s been bed-ridden for 7 years. They have 24hr care for her. She is 47.

My friend always appears to be upbeat but I’m sure he has his moments though.

They’ve got 2 teenage boys who are now at Uni and my mate now just plods on, driving his black cab waiting for the inevitable.

That's very sad to hear, MS can be a brutal illness. My dad was wheelchair bound from his mid-30s but luckily always managed to be able to use a chair even when he was at his worse. He went into a nursing home at 50 and passed away three years later.

I'm sure like we had, your friend has his moments, it's hard. That said if you saw how unwell my dad was, if you asked him he still had a positive outlook and got something out of life. Sadly a very restricted one.

My wife has MS, has had it since her early 20's but we were coping pretty well with it with alternative therapies and rehabilitation.

The brain deteroration kicked in not that long ago (less than 4 years ago) then accelerated rapidly over the last 18 months and left all the specialists scratching their heads. It bears all the hallmarks of early onset dementia but due to the MS diagnosis she can't effectively get another condition diagnosed (due to the oddities of how the NHS catagorizes these things) effectively MS trumps every other condition and therefore must be the cause.

I'm with you, I hadn't realise she had MS mate. There has been a lot of break throughs compared to when my dad was diagnosed at the end of the 70s but I think it's still hugely misunderstood!

A friend I worked with, her mum had MS and passed away a year or two ago but her mentality was hugely affected. Like you say, very much like early dementia rather than the typically physical symptoms of MS. She wouldn't recognise people and was forgetful.

MS is a really hard illness to deal with in any capacity.

By contrast something slightly positive. A friend of mine is late 30s and was diagnosed with remissive MS about 5-6 years ago. She has daily injections which seem to help as she has only had one relapse since being diagnosed. She gets tired but thankfully leads a fairly normal life.

 

[DITTRICH]

How old are you? Old enough!
What are you in for? Got caught!
How long are you in for? Long enough!

 

[JamRocky]

How old are you? Old enough!
What are you in for? Got caught!
How long are you in for? Long enough!

How tall are you? Let me guess….