Joke of the day (slightly rude)

[BlackC55]

Subject: A MAN WALKS INTO A BAR

[FONT=bookman old style, new york, times, serif][FONT=bookman old style, new york, times, serif]
[FONT=times new roman, new york, times, serif]A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the
bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot
high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and
pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,
which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the
piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out
a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.'

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke
and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish.
Just one wish...each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a
million bucks!'

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by
another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with
ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's
a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'No sh*t!' says the man, 'Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch
pianist?'
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[carnut]

another joke?

View attachment 9148

 

[carnut]

timeless

You might like this one


A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "Q's just given me this state-of -the-art watch."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?".
"Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers....."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!"
Bond tuts, taps his watch, and says,
"Damn thing's an hour fast."

 

[cidersurfer]

Hypnotist

A woman comes home and tells her husband," Remember those headaches I've been having all these years?

Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?"

The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache. It worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!"

His funeral service will be held on Monday.

 

[MBManInKen]

 

[Bear]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "he'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Ken555]

The little old lady

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Dddooo youuuu hhhave dddddiilllldosss?"


The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt t twoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand rrunns by buhbuhbuhbuhbatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes, we do."


She asks: "Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe gaaaahdaaaam ssunoooffabbitch offffff?"

 

[Brian WH]

Keep them acceptable for public consumption of all ages lads/lasses, or they will be removed.

 

[wallingd]

Man walks into a bar...






























































<OUCH>

 

[Bear]

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the
Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English
are too stuffy.

"You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips
make out your above the rest of us. Look at me...I'm me, I have Italian
blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood.
What do you say to that?"

The Englishman replied, "Very sporting of your mother."