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evdok

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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband.” The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.” “You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
 
And another

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him.”
They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That’s over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time.”
They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
The wife’s mouth drops open as she gasps, “WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That’s ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!”
The man turns to his wife and says, “Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow.”
 
last one!

A new, special kind of store just opened up in a Manhatten shopping center. This store sells husbands, yes that’s right - women can browse men from floors of choices.
Actually, there are 6 floors of men, and with an increase in the floor level bringing an positive attributes… a nifty setup - with a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor but if you go up, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. Interesting, right?
So a young woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think… what must be awaiting me further on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 7,548,652 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor only exists as proof that women are impossible to please.
 
Oh, I Wish I'd Looked After Me ****: By Pam Ayres


Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.

'Cos **** can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me ****.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me ****.
 
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Ward, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory.
When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab
yesterday, a
biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain

which one is your husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or
terrible.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the
other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your
husband's.'

'That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Ward.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests on
ce.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'


'The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
 

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