Laser Printer Olympics - Qualifying Heats now underway!!

[brucemillar]

Folks

Does anybody have this when they attempt to print something? I should be a tad more specific.... This will only usually occur when you have a very urgent need to print something:

a) The printer makes more weird noises than a 'family of Donkeys breaking wind in the corner of a field'. Mine starts with around 30 > 50 seconds of whirring which changes into groaning, then a sort of elongated Eeeeeehhhhhhhh, Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, Whoooooooooooooo, Ahhh, Ahhhh, Ahhhhh, Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. If two printers were mating in the heat of passion, I would expect them to sound like this...


b) After this, it tries to tease me by moving the paper around in a sort of rhythmic dance. First winding the paper from the bottom tray up through the guts of the machine, where it presents it, before snatching it away again back into the machine. This is repeated several times and accompanied by more hellish groans.


c) Worst of all. Nothing happens at all... It just sits there staring at me, until eventually I start to check the print queue - all OK and eventually going for a re-boot. At the point of switching off, it will flash up "job now printing" except it isn't now printing as I just switched it off.

d) The entire cycle starts again. I swear that my printer is human. It watches my every move, then takes the pee out of me, just because I want to use it. It makes sounds that would leave a car with a flat battery proud. It moves paper over Olympic marathon distances, in an effort to tease me, that it actually intends to print something.

f) Then at the point of delivery..... It runs out of ink. Holy Moly. Ink that is made from the urine of 'high mountain virgin girls' who have their bladders hand pressed by their ancient ancestors. Ink that is so valuable BitCoin pales into the shade. Ink that can only ordered from outlets on the internet, using a code that is underneath the very printer that requires it. Ink that is delivered by G4 Security vans using GPS and the cover of darkness.

Why can't they just print when required without the need for this excruciating mating ritual taking place as people wait for that document?

 

[E53AMG]

Folks

Does anybody have this when they attempt to print something? I should be a tad more specific.... This will only usually occur when you have a very urgent need to print something:

a) The printer makes more weird noises than a 'family of Donkeys breaking wind in the corner of a field'. Mine starts with around 30 > 50 seconds of whirring which changes into groaning, then a sort of elongated Eeeeeehhhhhhhh, Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, Whoooooooooooooo, Ahhh, Ahhhh, Ahhhhh, Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. If two printers were mating in the heat of passion, I would expect them to sound like this...


b) After this, it tries to tease me by moving the paper around in a sort of rhythmic dance. First winding the paper from the bottom tray up through the guts of the machine, where it presents it, before snatching it away again back into the machine. This is repeated several times and accompanied by more hellish groans.


c) Worst of all. Nothing happens at all... It just sits there staring at me, until eventually I start to check the print queue - all OK and eventually going for a re-boot. At the point of switching off, it will flash up "job now printing" except it isn't now printing as I just switched it off.

d) The entire cycle starts again. I swear that my printer is human. It watches my every move, then takes the pee out of me, just because I want to use it. It makes sounds that would leave a car with a flat battery proud. It moves paper over Olympic marathon distances, in an effort to tease me, that it actually intends to print something.

f) Then at the point of delivery..... It runs out of ink. Holy Moly. Ink that is made from the urine of 'high mountain virgin girls' who have their bladders hand pressed by their ancient ancestors. Ink that is so valuable BitCoin pales into the shade. Ink that can only ordered from outlets on the internet, using a code that is underneath the very printer that requires it. Ink that is delivered by G4 Security vans using GPS and the cover of darkness.

Why can't they just print when required without the need for this excruciating mating ritual taking place as people wait for that document?

Could try an HP inkjet under the instant ink plan, the gods in Val Hallah monitor your printing for you and deliver replacement ink before your existing one's run out free of charge, you just get charged a monthly fee akin to a car leasing contract but it is cancellable on 30 days notice.

Of course if you print more than 300 pages a month you need a 2nd mortgage...

Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk

 

[Trickythemerc]

It's a printer thing Bruce, my Epson WF3540DTWF performs all manner of acrobatics to the tune of whirry whirry click click rattle clonk burp burp before it tells me the printer is queued. Another trick is not responding to Epson scan, then the auto updater kicks off and installs the latest drivers and stuff ??? Yeah right that worked out really well....!!!!! Oh hang on your not using genuine Epson ink cartridges..... says the little splash box on the screen. Damn right I am using non Epson ones, have you seen the cost of your genuine stuff Mr Epson ?

I am off for a lie down before I attempt to reload the paper trays and start another war with the thing.

 

[190]

If it's a laser printer then it uses toner not ink. You can often get a few more prints by removing the toner cartridge and shaking it side to side to level out what little toner powder is left.

If you are desperate and ingenious enough, existing toner cartridges can be refilled with bulk toner. Messy job though.

 

[Piff]

Folks

Does anybody have this when they attempt to print something? I should be a tad more specific.... This will only usually occur when you have a very urgent need to print something:

a) The printer makes more weird noises than a 'family of Donkeys breaking wind in the corner of a field'. Mine starts with around 30 > 50 seconds of whirring which changes into groaning, then a sort of elongated Eeeeeehhhhhhhh, Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, Whoooooooooooooo, Ahhh, Ahhhh, Ahhhhh, Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. If two printers were mating in the heat of passion, I would expect them to sound like this...


b) After this, it tries to tease me by moving the paper around in a sort of rhythmic dance. First winding the paper from the bottom tray up through the guts of the machine, where it presents it, before snatching it away again back into the machine. This is repeated several times and accompanied by more hellish groans.


c) Worst of all. Nothing happens at all... It just sits there staring at me, until eventually I start to check the print queue - all OK and eventually going for a re-boot. At the point of switching off, it will flash up "job now printing" except it isn't now printing as I just switched it off.

d) The entire cycle starts again. I swear that my printer is human. It watches my every move, then takes the pee out of me, just because I want to use it. It makes sounds that would leave a car with a flat battery proud. It moves paper over Olympic marathon distances, in an effort to tease me, that it actually intends to print something.

f) Then at the point of delivery..... It runs out of ink. Holy Moly. Ink that is made from the urine of 'high mountain virgin girls' who have their bladders hand pressed by their ancient ancestors. Ink that is so valuable BitCoin pales into the shade. Ink that can only ordered from outlets on the internet, using a code that is underneath the very printer that requires it. Ink that is delivered by G4 Security vans using GPS and the cover of darkness.

Why can't they just print when required without the need for this excruciating mating ritual taking place as people wait for that document?

I'm there with you Bruce.
Only happens at the point where something urgent needs printing.
Mine has 2 paper trays with different size paper - if it decides to co-operate at that vital moment it will always use the wrong size paper.
Or, it runs a cleaning cycle which uses ink. It then tells you that it has run out of ink.

 

[Meldrew2]

Never let your computer know that you are in a rush to do anything.

They can smell your nervousness and immediately start to run slow, stop completely or ask for endless software updates.

 

[Deleted member 113659]

We used to experiance exactly this. Until we got a new improved super duper printer. It's that good and fast I think it could print the whole of the internet if I asked it to.

Funny thing is it's been 'Low on Ink' now for about 4 months. When this message first popped up I panicked and ordered new ink straight away. However, it just keeps on printing and printing. Strange technology.

 

[Deleted member 6183]

The worst thing you can do to a printer it seems is to use it infrequently, those that I have owned would get exceedingly grumpy if not used regularly, this is no longer an issue.

Of course, there are worse things you could do to a printer like hurl the bastard through the window for example and who hasn't considered this option?

 

[MancMike]

You're not describing a laser printer.

You're describing an ink jet, which does all this faffing around before starting to print, and sometimes long after. They're cleaning the heads, i.e squirting most of your ink into a sponge. As said, printing infrequently isn't good for ink jets.

Lasers generally print instantly.

 

[DSM10000]

The worst thing you can do to a printer it seems is to use it infrequently, those that I have owned would get exceedingly grumpy if not used regularly, this is no longer an issue.

Of course, there are worse things you could do to a printer like hurl the bastard through the window for example and who hasn't considered this option?

Only an option if you have access to a 20 storey or higher building, you would not wish to risk the possibility of it surviving!

 

[190]

You're not describing a laser printer.

You're describing an ink jet, which does all this faffing around before starting to print, and sometimes long after. They're cleaning the heads, i.e squirting most of your ink into a sponge. As said, printing infrequently isn't good for ink jets.

Lasers generally print instantly.

This is the reason I won't have an inkjet at home. It's used so rarely the ink would be dried up. A small laser is fine.

I used to manage a network of 500+ computers and 70 printers. The inkjets did indeed squirt most of their ink into a sponge. Cynically I put that down to deliberate wastage by the printer manufacturer so you would buy more ink; which is where the profit came from. The printers were sold cheap possibly at a loss.

A description of how a laser printer works is interesting. They really do have a laser. It writes an electrostatic image on a print drum which then picks up the very fine toner powder only on the areas that are charged. The paper then passes through a heated roller on the way out fusing the toner onto the paper. If you ever have a print which smudges when touched then the toner didn't get fused, probably due to a failed heated roller.

 

[Petrol Pete]

I have an old HP printer and every time I fire it up it goes through some sort of song and dance for ages, no f88king clue what it is doing. It just sits there trying to rattle itself to pieces for a bit.

If it were a horse I would shoot it. If it were a horse I would probably need a bigger cabinet for it as well.

 

[Doodle]

The Samsung multifunction laser that I've had for the last few years has started to become increasingly recalcitrant, slowing refusing more and more functions.

So now it's gone in the bin, and I've unearthed the HP Laserjet 6P that I had at university. Lo and behold, it still works and the toner cartridge I bought it with (second hand) is still good.

 

[GLK]

Last year I bought an HP ColorLaser CP2025DN, for £45 (so can't complain) - the print quality is just as I remember it from a decade ago (when I had a brand new one for about a year), but the sound it makes - well, take Bruce's brilliant description above and add a bunch of Scottish Pipers to the mix

It also does periodic "ET calls home" thing, mostly in the middle of the night, when it wakes up by itself and goes through the motions.
Good job it's too far from our bedroom to hear it, but I wouldn't risk watching a midnight horror movie ...

 

[brucemillar]

My printer (well it would be mine) also does the middle of the night thing - I hope it is the printer making that heavy breathing, creaking sound? Sometimes in the middle of the day, for no evident reason, it will just start making sounds and moving paper around.

My favourite thing of all time is when it produces that magical moment of our unadulterated joy

** PAPER JAM ** PLEASE REMOVE THE PAPER FROM THE LOWER or UPPER AREA OF THE PRINTER AND PRESS OK"

Now call me old fashioned here? I have relatively small hands which make my willy look bigger, but even with these smaller than average digits there is just no way that they will allow access, into my printer's upper and lower areas. Some days I feel like (I imagine) a gynecologist must feel. With the printers butt up in the air and a brave wave to my wife, I tell the kids "I'm going in now"

I swear I can get my hand in the bottom and back up out through the top with my arm still attached to it's shoulder and still never find the mythical "PAPER JAM". I think it's a made up thing that printer designers do to amuse themselves. Content that they have wreaked misery on owners around the globe who now look like Yorkshire Vets with their arms inserted into printers in a vain attempt find the paper that is simply not there.

 

[James Copeland]

And I thought that we were a paperless society!

 

[MancMike]

I just print things (normally speeding tickets, etc) at work...

I did recently have to dig out our inkjet at home to print something whilst not at work, and the black ink had "ran out".

I had to edit the address label I was printing to colourise it to a deep navy blue, so that it'd print using colour inks which it had some left.

 

[190]

I've unearthed the HP Laserjet 6P that I had at university. Lo and behold, it still works

Now that's an old one. I haven't seen one of those in 10 years and they were ancient even then. Old HP lasers can go on for a long time. The main service items are pick up rollers and fuser sleeves which get contaminated and fail eventually.

 

[Doodle]

It wasn't new when I acquired it 20 years ago, but would happily chunter through 3 figure print jobs churning out lecture notes.

Thankfully it's got a JetDirect box with it so can still be networked.

 

[Deleted96908]

The worst thing you can do to a printer it seems is to use it infrequently, those that I have owned would get exceedingly grumpy if not used regularly, this is no longer an issue.

Of course, there are worse things you could do to a printer like hurl the bastard through the window for example and who hasn't considered this option?

We are talking machines not people?

.