Lets Have A Laugh

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BIGCEE

BIGCEE

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Post A Joke

A Guy Is Doing His First Skydive,as He Clears The Plane He Counts 1 2 3 And Pulls The Cord, Nothing Happens He Panics And Pulls The Reserve Still Nothing, As He`s Plummeting To Earth Screaming He See`s A Guy Coming Upward Towards Him. He Screams Help Please Help Do You Know Anything About Parachutes. The Guy Screams Back "sod All Mate, Do Know Anything About Gas Fires"

Remember Keep It Clean (ish) Peeps
 
Pet shop

A woman is walking by a pet shop when she sees a sign in the window that says 'Fa**y Licking Frog For Sale'.

The woman thinks "Hmmm, sounds nice. I fancy a bit of that!" so she goes into the pet shop and the fella behind the counter says "Bonjour madame!!!!" :D :D :D :D
 
in the words of a famous actor "I DON`T BLOODY BELIEVE IT" can`t believe poor response to have a laugh request. has everyone had a humor lobotomy? i would have thought everyone has at least one joke that makes em smile or do all MB owners take life too seriously.
 
Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've
got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says
"Tennish? but I dont even have a racket."
 
David Beckham is in Selfridges when he sees an interesting object on the shelf. "s'cuse me Miss.." he asks the assistant "..but what's that?"

"It's a thermos flask, David" she replies.

"What's that do then?"

"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" she responds.

"Brilliant! I'll have one of those then" says David.

When he gets home Victoria asks whet it is he bought.
"It's a thermos flask darlin', it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

"That's clever.." she squeaks " you can use it when you go training"

David duly turns up at training with his new thermos when Alex Ferguson enquires to what it is.

"It's a thermos flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

"What have you got in it then David?"

"Two cups of coffee and a choc ice......"
 
A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job."

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his two nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive them around in a big black mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £32,000 a year.

The scouser said "you're bull****ting me!"

The man behind the counter said "well you started it".
 
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie!
Where are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his sporran and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
:D
 
two men sitting on a river bank fishing when a funeral procession passes. one of them stands up, takes off his hat and bow`s his head. that was very decent of you say`s his friend. oh it`s the least i could do after 20 years of marriage.
 
dagd said:
The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any undies?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £20. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she too is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no undies. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's £10. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie!
Where are yer drawers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any." The Scotsman reaches into his sporran and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jesus, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."
:D
Click to expand...

I had to copy that into Notepad so I could read it.
 
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat **** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realise that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh*t, it's started"
 
wallingd said:
I had to copy that into Notepad so I could read it.
Click to expand...

Just 4 u

THE PERFECT HUSBAND
Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure . go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$46,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great!! Oh, and one more thing.... the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later. I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment."

Then he asks: "Anyone know who's phone this is?":D
 
A marriage in crisis.

A farmer walked into his bedroom, drunk, one night, with a sheep under his arm. His wife, who was in bed, looked at him furiously.

"Darling," he slurred, "this is the pig that I have sex with when you have your headaches."

"I think you'll find that is a sheep!" she shouted.

I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep." came the reply.
 
A Blond Is Trying To Thumb A Lift When A Rolls Royce Pulls Up And A Old Guy Tells Her To Hop In. She Is Just Starting To Enjoy The Ride When She See`s Two Golf Tee`s On The Dash. What Are These For She Ask`s. There To Put My Balls On When I Drive Off. She Replies, F__k Me Rolls Royce Really Do Think Of Everything Don`t They.
 
Police Today Recovered The Skeletal Remains Of A Blond Woman From A Bedroom Cupboard In A House In Dublin. They Believe It May Be The Remains Of The 2005 Hide And Seek Champion.
 
One guy asks the other, "Hey, have you ever gone to bed with an ugly woman?"
The second guy says, "No, but I've woken up with a few..."

A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can't come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. "Can I come in now?,' he says to the bouncers. 'Yeah, but don't start anything''.

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter:

First woman : "My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for a paper boy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me..."
Second woman : "I know..."
First one : "How?"
Second one : "My dog told me"
 
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A Husband And Wife Are On Safari In The African Outback When A Lion Jumps Out Grabs The Wife And Starts To Pull Her Back Into The Bushes. She Starts Screaming Shoot,shoot For Gods Sake Shoot And He Yells Back "i Can`t I`m Out Of Film"
 
A man and his wife return to the hotel they spent their wedding night in, and managed to get the same room. His wife says "I'll go in the bathroom and get ready", a while later she returns and looks at her husband and says "What were you thinking on our wedding night?" he replies "I was thinking how I wanted to F*** you stupid and suck your T*** dry" so to that she says "And what are you thinking now?" his reply was "Just thinking what a great job I did"
 
Sorry if anyone is offended by the joke, but it is funny.
 
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