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More Jokes

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.
 
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit £200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card, and three days later she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
 
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" .

Kid's meals are £250.
 
Granddad is taking the grandkids to the zoo and he collapses with an apparent heart attack.

Instead of calling for an ambulance, the zoo-keeper quickly runs over and drags him into a cage fully of chimps.

Amazingly they swarm over the lifeless body, thumping his chest and breathing for him until he comes around.

Someone asked the zookeeper how on earth had they trained them to do that ?

Oh, he said - we didn't train them, they are resus monkeys



:D
 
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
 
It's been quite hot recently...

meltedvan01.jpg
 
Mikolas, a middle-aged Greek tourist on his first visit to Orlando, Florida, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away! Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain the gentleman.

They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams, "No!" and walks quickly away.

The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him. She decides that only her most experienced lady, Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Mikolas. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.

Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson.

So she goes over to Mikolas and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits in his lap.

Mikolas leans forwards and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Euros?
 
11 years ago Greece won Euro 2004 - Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
 
The new Euro banks notes will apparently be printed on Greece-proof paper.....

[Coat retrieval commenced.]

Sent from my iPad using MBClub UK
 
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk in to a pub, the barman says... 'is this some kind of joke'.
 
On a building site in Ireland ... Michael says to paddy... 'what do you think the fastest thing in the world is?' Paddy says... 'thinking' coz thinking is really fast isn't it? and they agree. Michael askes the same question to Dermot... Dermot says 'Blinking' coz you heard the saying 'in the blink of an eye' haven't you? and they both agree. Michael asks the same question to Mick, Mick says 'electricity'.. you can't get anything faster than that! and they agree. Then suddenly a voice shouts 'you're all talking ******** (shouts Patrick), the fastest thing in the world is diarrhoea ! WTF are you Talking about they all say. 'Well' says Patrick ... 'the other night when I was in bed I wasn't feeling very well and before I could think, blink, or turn the light on I **** myself'. !
 
A woman had been after her husband for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while she was out.

After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, the husband got home and realized her predicament.

They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, the husband undid the toilet seat. The woman wrapped a sheet around herself and he drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. (Try to get a mental picture of this).

The woman tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them...I just never saw one mounted and framed."
 
A well endowed new soldier went for a medical with the FMO, and got to the drop and cough part. The FMO, being hygiene conscious, lifted the soldier's todger with a pencil and asked him to cough, which he did.

After putting his pencil back in his pocket, he gave the soldier a knowing smile, and said "I'll bet that's been in a few nests, hasn't it?"

"Yes," replied the soldier, "but it's the first time it's been on a f&^%^ perch!"
 
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