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More Jokes

Failed the health and safety exam today, apparently the answer to 'what steps would you take in the event of a fire' is not ' bloody big ones'!
 
Monica Lewinsky has stated that she will not be supporting Hilary Clinton's campaign for the U.S. Presidency.

The said that the last time a Clinton was President, it left a bad taste in her mouth...
 
I had to do a questionnaire today?

How do you think I did?
 

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When I woke up this morning, I was completely bald.

Obviously the wife misunderstood when I suggested she shave her tw4t.
 
A man in his 40's bought a new Mercedes convertible and was out for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 90 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 100, 120.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer
 
Man goes into a book shop and asks the sales woman, "Do you have that new book for men with really small Willy's?"
She says "I don't think its in yet."
He replies "Yes that's the one."
 
I was outside Dixons window the other day when a young boy came up to me and asked, "What's your favourite Telly Tubby?"
"Forty-two inch Samsung, you cheeky little b4stard."
 
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Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman.

It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
 
Let me tell you a little about myself.

It's a reflexive pronoun that means 'me'
 
Earlier this year I saw "The Theory of Everything" - loved it.

Should've been called "Look Who's Hawking", that's my only criticism.
 
Having just deleted all the German names from my mobile phone, I'm now able to use it whilst driving because it's Hans free.
 
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
 
ringway said:
Having just deleted all the German names from my mobile phone, I'm now able to use it whilst driving because it's Hans free.
Click to expand...

ringway said:
What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
Click to expand...

Someone's been reading the Edinburgh Fringe joke rankings......
 
So, let's go for an originally devised pun:-


Yesterday I punched a bloke who had no feet.

I immediately apologised and explained I was lack-toes intolerant :D
 
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