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More Jokes

So, let's go for an originally devised pun:-


Yesterday I punched a bloke who had no feet.

I immediately apologised and explained I was lack-toes intolerant :D
 
What is the difference between a dogs ar@e and a letter box?


Not sending you to post a letter.
 
PicNews150807.jpg
 
Did you know that **** sex is still illegal in Iceland.

I'm not sure about Farmfoods though…

.
 
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River Thames.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.

We're the same age, we were the same size as kids, - I just don't get it."

''Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"On the other side of the river near the car park at Westminster."

"Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?" asked the big Croc.

"Well, I crawl up under one of their big Jag, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh1t out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the sh1t out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an ar5ehole with a briefcase."
 
Jeremy Corbyn is on record as supporting female-only train carriages to protect women from dangerous men on trains.

Using that same logic, I look forward to the day he declares his support for male-only motorways.
 
...
 
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Tim203 said:
Forgot to add/004/bricklayers to it.
Click to expand...

I think the link you need is :
The Bricklayer's Story... Gerard Hoffnung

it's a heck of a better story if you can find the spoken version of Gerrard Hoffnung's Address to The Oxford Union in I think the 1930's when this first was told - but the verbal version is about 30 mins long, and you have to listen to it at least 3 times so you laugh in different places and do not miss the funniest bits!

Apologies for showing my age - but the full spoken version of this is one of the funniest things you will ever hear. It was even made into a pop song in the 60's (I think)!!
 
Chrishazle said:
I think the link you need is :
The Bricklayer's Story... Gerard Hoffnung

it's a heck of a better story if you can find the spoken version of Gerrard Hoffnung's Address to The Oxford Union in I think the 1930's when this first was told - but the verbal version is about 30 mins long, and you have to listen to it at least 3 times so you laugh in different places and do not miss the funniest bits!

Apologies for showing my age - but the full spoken version of this is one of the funniest things you will ever hear. It was even made into a pop song in the 60's (I think)!!
Click to expand...
Noel murthy, under the title "Murphy and the Bricks", IIRC
 
Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
£3

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 30 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs £3 and you have 3 beers a day
which puts your spending each month at £270.
In one year, it would be approximately £3,240 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend £3,240 not accounting for
inflation, the past 30 years puts your spending
at £97,200 correct?


Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up
interest savings account and after accounting for
compound interest for the past 30 years, you
could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your bloody Ferrari then?
 
Double post, blame my iPhone
 
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