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I'm being bugged??

Hi Gollom,
Bugged. B-U-G-G-E-D ... bugged, not what you were thinking :eek: :eek:

Hi Sailor

Anyway,
I just had this pesky varmint run across my monitor screen. :mad: :mad: :mad: :mad:

bug.gif


Could someone suggest how to get rid of it? :D :D

Regards
John
 
Barry returned from the doctor's and told his wife the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

"Of course" she said and they made mad passionate love, 6 hours later, Barry went to her again: "Honey, I now have only 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Wife agreed and they made love again.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched his wife's shoulder and said: "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die? She agreed, then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry lay there listening to the clock ticking in his head, as he tossed and turned until he was down to only 4 more hours.

He tapped his wife again on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we.................?"

His wife sat up, abruptly, and turned to him and said: "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny....... but I've got to get up in the morning - you haven't"!
 
From Her Majesty, The Queen of England :

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence,
effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories.
Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your
borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British
Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will
be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter
'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to
spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love
affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize"
will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh
is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh
as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of
communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the
Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to
cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It
really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to
cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also
have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as
"Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking
about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in
England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it
Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire,
Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the
good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red
Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political
incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen",
but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get
confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of
football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very
good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper
football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a
difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour
like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side
by 2008. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be
allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without
fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be
allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable
peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry
a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive
Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own
good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All
road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving
on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with
immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts
and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist
on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick
cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer
which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all
tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's
Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000
years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you
will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2008) prices with the
former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and
the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $8/US gallon
- get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should
only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up
enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax
collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to
ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.
:rolleyes:
 
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

" Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor

and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
 
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."



Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."



Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"



Hardy: "Sorry sir?"



Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"



Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."



Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."



Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."



Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."



Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."



Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... Full speed ahead."



Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."



Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."



Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."



Nelson: "What?"



Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."



Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."



Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."



Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."



Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."



Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even

To hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."



Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."



Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."



Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"



Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."



Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."



Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"



Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."



Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"



Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."



Nelson: "We're not?"



Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."



Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."



Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."



Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."



Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"



Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"



Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."



Nelson: "What about sodomy?"



Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."



Nelson: "In that case............................... Kiss me, Hardy."
 
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his new wife to do all the dishes and clean the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were cleaned and put away.

James had married a woman from Australia and he bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.

Brian said the he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye.

Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher do a spot of hoovering and call a landscaper.
 
A man walked into the produce section of his local Tesco supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some t***er wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Essex, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Essex," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but tarts and football players there.. "Really?" said the manager, "My wife's from Essex." The boy replied, "Really? Who does she play for?"
 
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied..."Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
 
[FONT=tahoma,sans-serif]
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder,
"You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face. The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling,
"You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
"You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him:
"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
(Wait for it.......)







(Get your best Chinese accent ready.....)









"You not Nissan Main Deala???
[/FONT]​
 
Women are clever



A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me.' So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. ' The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.' So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.
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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!


Pammy is clever..... She will have stopped reading ages ago :devil: :D
 
Did I miss anything by not reading any further?
 
An Alsation walks into the Daily Mirror offices and wants to place a classified advert.

He says "I want the wording to say, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof".

The lady behind the counter says" That's only 9 woofs, you get 10 words for the same price''.

The Alsation replies" Then it would make no bleeding sense at all, you silly woman".
 
Let's give the blonde jokes a day off.....

JOKES TOLD BY BLONDES
Q: Why do brunettes like their dark hair colour?
A: It doesn't show the dirt.

Q: Who makes all the bras for brunettes?
A: Fisher-Price.

Q: Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A: It matches their moustache.

Q: Why is the colour brunette considered evil?
A: When's the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q: How can you tell a brunette is lonely?
A: Check her for a pulse.

Q: What is the most frustrated animal in the world?
A: A brunette rabbit.

Q: What kind of costumes do brunette girls wear on Halloween?
A: They just stand on their heads and go as dirty mops.

Q: Why don't brunettes get breast implants?
A: They've already spent their money on thigh & butt implants.

Q: What did the frustrated brunette say to her lover?
A: "What part of 'yes' don't you understand?"

Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: So ugly men wouldn't feel left out.

Q: What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A: The invitation.

Q: Why do brunettes have to pay an extra £2,000 for a breast job?
A: Because the plastic surgeon has to start from scratch.

Q: How do you describe a brunette whose phone rings on Saturday night?
A: Startled

Q: What do you call a good-looking man with a brunette. ?
A: A hostage.

Q: How did Revlon come up with its brunette hair colour. ?
A: By studying what oil spills did to seaweed.

Q: What's the difference between a brunette and the trash. ?
A: At least the trash gets taken out once a week.
 
....or shall we not

She was soooooooooooooo blonde...


....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
....she thought a quarterback was a refund.
....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order - and FAILED!
....she thought Boyz II Men was a day care centre.
....she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
....she thought General Motors was the head of the army.
....she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
....she tried to drown a fish.
....she tripped over a cordless phone.
....she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said concentrate.
....at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put Sagittarius.
....she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
....it took her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
....she studied for a blood test - and failed.
....she sold the car for petrol money!
....when she saw the "certificate 18 - under 18 not admitted", she went home and got 17friends.
....she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
....when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
....she tried to put in a new light bulb but kept breaking them with the hammer
 
Little David, who was Jewish, was failing math. His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, and nothing helped.

As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic school.
"Those nuns are tough" they said. David was soon enrolled at St. Mary's.

After school on the very first day David ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread out all over his room. Right after dinner he ran upstairs without mentioning TV, and hit the books harder than
before.

His parents were amazed. This behavior continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. David quietly laid the envelope on the table, and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report.

David had gotten an A in math!

She ran up to his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "David honey, how did this happen? Was it the nuns? "No!", said David. "On the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around!"
:)
 

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