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More Jokes

Blonde Joke.

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down
next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00PM news was
coming on.. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large
building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think
he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied,
'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're
on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a
swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset,
but willingly handed he $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your
money.' Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
PM news and so I knew he would jump.
The blond replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'

Bob took the money...
 
Speaking of food, I went to an exotic restaurant recently and tried parrot for the first time. Quite tasty, but it kept repeating on me.
 
lewyboy said:
The famous doughnut line, "You too can have doughnuts like *****'s" has been attributed to Johnny, but was actually, almost certainly said by a Scottish continuity announcer and not by Johnnie at all.

According to the BBC

Sweet!
Click to expand...


i can state for the record (Coz I was there at the time) it WAS said by johnny Craddock it was filmed in the old BBC tv studio's in south Manchester

(i was an engineer for North West Gas at the time & we set up the kitchen in the studio, Gas Cooker, Grills & Hotplates for the filmimg...

f@nny had been "Frying" dounuts & when she'd finished Johnny came on (rat ****d as usual) & announced at full throttle

"Well Ladies I do hope all your Dounuts turn out like F@nny's at which point I fell over laughin & knocked over a "Wall" on the set

I saw it once on Utube years ago ......You can actually see the wall falling over & me & my apprentice laughing behind it
 
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On the subject of text jokes......



I sent my wife a text from work today and raced home to be met by my stuff on the doorstep.

I checked my phone and the message I sent said "I want to kick your puppy when I get home"

I hate predictive text.
 
With apologies to anybody from Norfolk..........


A girl from Norfolk sent an email to a popular magazine agony Aunt....

"I am 15 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is a homosexual?"
 
Kinky German.

German guy approaches a prostitute and says, ' I vish to buy sex vit you'




'OK' says the girl, 'I'll charge 100 Euros an hour'




'Ist goot, But I must varn you, I am a little kinky'





'No problem' she replies cautiously, 'I can do a little kinky'





So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.





'I vant you to tie ze springs to your handz und kneez.' The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.





'Now pleez you vill get on your handz and kneez.' She duly does this, balancing on the springs.





'You vill please blow zis duck caller as I make love to you.' She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.





The sex is fantastic. The energetic German bounces her all over the room, all the time with herhonking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath. Finally she gasps 'That was totally amazing....... what do you call that?'





Wait For It.....................................................



















'Ah', says the German, 'Four-sprung duck technique'
 
Human Resources memo

Dear Employees:



It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.



Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.



We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.



Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.





Number 1



TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.

INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f--k you're doing.





Number 2



TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.

INSTEAD OF: She's a f--king b--tc
h.





Number 3



TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.

INSTEAD OF: And when the f--k do you expect me to do this?





Number 4



TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.

INSTEAD OF: No f--king way.





Number 5



TRY SAYING: Really?

INSTEAD OF: You've got to be f--king kidding?





Number 6



TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...

INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh--.





Number 7



TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.

INSTEAD OF: It's not my f--king problem.





Number 8



TRY SAYING: That's interesting.

INSTEAD OF: What the f--k?





Number 9



TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.

INSTEAD OF: This sh-- won't work.





Number 10



TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.

INSTEAD OF: Why the f--k didn't you tell me sooner?





Number 11



TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues...

INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a--.





Number 12



TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?

INSTEAD OF: What the f--k did you say?






Number 13



TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?

INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a--.





Number 14



TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.

INSTEAD OF: F--k that, I'm on salary.





Number 15



TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.

INSTEAD OF: Are you f--king stupid?





Number 16



TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.

INSTEAD OF: This f--king job sucks.







Number 17



TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?

INSTEAD OF: Who the f--k died and made you boss?





Number 18



TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.

INSTEAD OF: He’s a f--king jackass.







Thank You,



Human Resources
 
Apparently clubbers in Yorkshire have taken to using dental syringes to inject Ecstasy directly into their mouths................ This dangerous practice is known as........... " E by Gum "
 
I bought a packet of those Jamie Oliver sausages in Sainsburies yesterday with his picure on the front.

On the back was printed 'Pr!ck with fork' - couldn't argue with that :D
 
funny love quotes

"It's so long since I had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom." (Joan Rivers)

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." (Sasha Guitry)

"My wife is a sex object every time I ask for sex, she objects." (Les Dawson)

"She was stark naked expect for a PVC raincoat, dress, net stockings, undergarments, shoes, rain hat and gloves." (Keith Waterhouse)

"Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night." (Woody Allen)

"It's impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other half are doing it." (Winston Churchill)

"I'll come to your room at five o'clock. If I'm late, start without me." (Tallulah Bankhead)

"I've been in love with the same woman for forty years - if my wife finds out she'll kill me." (Henry 'Henny' Youngman)
 
Roughly translated, the message the Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi is trying to say is
" Yes, I know I asked for a 25 year old escort to be sent to my private villa".............


 
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Last month, scientists at the University of Glasgow released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains significant quantities of female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men will eventually turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Argued over nothing.
 2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
 3) Gained weight.
 4) Talked excessively without making sense.
 5) Became overly emotional.
 6) Couldn't drive.
 7) Failed to think rationally.
 8) Had to sit down while urinating.
 No further testing was considered necessary.
 
Boating Incident.

"SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)​




WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT.​




THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS ​

LEFT TO LIVE​








(FRIGHTENING!)​





















image001-6.jpg










​
 
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Cannot see the picture.
 
A Monkey walking through a jungle path spots something shiny and picks it up. Its a fork but he doesn't know that so he decides to called it a 'four point' because its a four pointed fork.

So he goes back to his tree and starts to use his four point to eat this banana. A lion is looking on in amazement, a tiger is looking on in amazement and a jaguar is looking on in amazement. WOW monkey that's amazing they all say.

The following morning monkey is walking down the same path and spots another shiny object. This time its a knife. He doesn't know its a knife and decides to call it a 'tool'.

So back at the tree, monkey starts using his tool and four point to eat this banana. A lion is looking on in amazement, a tiger is looking on in amazement and a jaguar is looking on in amazement. WOW monkey that's amazing they all say.

The next morning monkey wakes up to find this tool and four point missing. He says to the lion have you seen my tool and four point? No says the lion, ask tiger. He says to the tiger have you seen my tool and four point? No says the tiger, ask jaguar. He say to the jaguar have you seen my tool and four point? Yes say the jaguar. Great where are they. I've eaten them he say. What the hell you done that for...........because I'm, and 4.2 litre JAGUAR!!!!

What you was expecting better. LOL
 
In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.

He motioned for his nurse to come near.

"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.

"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling before I die", whispered the priest.

"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.

The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest.

When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left, there was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.

Finally Gordon Brown spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"

The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after Our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ."

“Amen", said Brown. "Amen", said Darling.

The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same."
 
jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's christmas party. jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. he didn't even remember how he got home from the party. as bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. and, next to them, a single red rose .

jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.. he looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. so is the rest of the house.

he takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'honey, breakfast is on the stove, i left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. i love you, darling! love, jillian'

he stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. his son is also at the table, eating.

jack asks, 'son... what happened last night?'

'well, you came home after 3 a.m. , drunk and out of your mind. you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door '

confused, he asked his son, 'so, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? i have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

his son replies, 'oh that!... mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'leave me alone, i'm married!!'

broken coffee table £239.99

hot breakfast £4.20

two aspirins £0.38

saying the right thing, at the right time . . priceless
 
Cast Away + Fed Ex Spoof

an old one it seems,...but new to me :)

[YOUTUBE]NahyfTAVNqk[/YOUTUBE]
 
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