More Jokes
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evdok
MB Enthusiast
A drunk girl staggered up to me in the street last night and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Show me your **** and then ask me the question again." I replied.
So she lifted up her top and bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Sorry love. I don't smoke."
"Show me your **** and then ask me the question again." I replied.
So she lifted up her top and bra and said, "Can I pinch a cigarette from you, please?"
"Sorry love. I don't smoke."
evdok
MB Enthusiast
I went on a date the other night with a girl I met in town.
The drinks were going down fairly quick, when we ended up talking about sex.
"When was the last time you had sex?" She asked.
"I don't want to say," I replied "It's too embarrassing."
She laughed and said, "It's been that long then? Come on, don't be embarrassed. Just tell me."
"You sure?" I asked.
"Of course I am," she replied.
"Ok. About an hour ago. That's why I was late here."
The drinks were going down fairly quick, when we ended up talking about sex.
"When was the last time you had sex?" She asked.
"I don't want to say," I replied "It's too embarrassing."
She laughed and said, "It's been that long then? Come on, don't be embarrassed. Just tell me."
"You sure?" I asked.
"Of course I am," she replied.
"Ok. About an hour ago. That's why I was late here."
trapperjohn
MB Enthusiast
GREAT TRUTHS
1. In my many years I have come to a
conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to
pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
7. Democracy must be something
more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for
dinner. --James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich
people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
9. Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense
of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the
economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the
facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is
expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government
consists of taking as much
money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to
the other. --Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest
in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or
property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's
alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a
tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding
men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native
American criminal class, save
Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are
more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give
you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything
you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and
appoint the great ones to public
office. -- Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
prosperity, by legislating the
wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must
work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the
government does not first take
from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to
work, because the other half is
going to take care of them, and
when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work
because somebody else is going to
get what they work for, that is the
beginning of the end of any nation!
1. In my many years I have come to a
conclusion that one useless man
is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper
you are uninformed, if you do
read the newspaper you are
misinformed. -- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And
suppose you were a member of
Congress. But then I repeat
myself. -- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to
tax itself into prosperity is like a
man standing in a bucket and
trying to lift himself up by the
handle. --Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to
pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul. -- George
Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a
great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off
with your money. -- G. Gordon
Liddy
7. Democracy must be something
more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for
dinner. --James Bovard, Civil
Libertarian (1994)
8. Foreign aid might be defined as a
transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich
people in poor countries.
-- Douglas Case,
Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University.
9. Giving money and power to
government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.
-- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
10. Government is the great fiction,
through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense
of everybody else. -- Frederic
Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
11. Government's view of the
economy could be summed up
in a few short phrases: If it
moves, tax it. If it keeps
moving, regulate it. And if it
stops moving, subsidize it.
--Ronald Reagan (1986)
12. I don't make jokes. I just watch
the government and report the
facts. -- Will Rogers
13. If you think health care is
expensive now, wait until you
see what it costs when it's free!
-- P. J. O'Rourke
14. In general, the art of government
consists of taking as much
money as possible from one
party of the citizens to give to
the other. --Voltaire (1764)
15. Just because you do not take an
interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest
in you! -- Pericles (430 B.C.)
16. No man's life, liberty, or
property is safe while the
legislature is in session.
-- Mark Twain (1866)
17. Talk is cheap, except when
Congress does it. -- Anonymous
18. The government is like a baby's
alimentary canal, with a happy
appetite at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
-- Ronald Reagan
19. The inherent vice of capitalism is
the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing
of socialism is the equal sharing
of misery. -- Winston Churchill
20. The only difference between a
tax man and a taxidermist is that
the taxidermist leaves the skin.
-- Mark Twain
21. The ultimate result of shielding
men from the effects of folly is
to fill the world with fools.
-- Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)
22. There is no distinctly Native
American criminal class, save
Congress. -- Mark Twain
23. What this country needs are
more unemployed politicians
--Edward Langley,
Artist (1928-1995)
24. A government big enough to give
you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything
you have. -- Thomas Jefferson
25. We hang the petty thieves and
appoint the great ones to public
office. -- Aesop
FIVE BEST SENTENCES
1. You cannot legislate the poor into
prosperity, by legislating the
wealthy out of prosperity.
2. What one person receives without
working for, another person must
work for without receiving.
3. The government cannot give to
anybody anything that the
government does not first take
from somebody else.
4. You cannot multiply wealth by
dividing it.
5. When half of the people get the
idea that they do not have to
work, because the other half is
going to take care of them, and
when the other half gets the idea
that it does no good to work
because somebody else is going to
get what they work for, that is the
beginning of the end of any nation!
- Joined
- Dec 28, 2007
- Messages
- 8,228
- Car
- Volvo V90 D5 AWD
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.
Until the LSD wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a car park.
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
"Can I borrow your penguin?"
"What?"
...just another day at the office with my work colleague Gwynn.
"What?"
...just another day at the office with my work colleague Gwynn.
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
For those of you wondering what it's like to be married...
I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
I just found out this morning I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
Gkinghorn
Active Member
SPX said:
Surprised you found out so quickly ...
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
A very good looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and has a seat. During the course of the evening he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man, and I mean R-E-A-L-L-Y ugly man walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with the two of the most beautiful women you ever saw. Disheartened by all this, the good looking man asks the barman, 'Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women - what's his secret? He's as ugly as sin and I'm everything a girl could want but have not been able to connect all night - What's going on?' 'Well,' Said the Barman, 'I don't know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...'
- Joined
- May 21, 2009
- Messages
- 6,114
- Location
- Planet Earth
- Car
- Polo GTi (and a travel pass for the train and subway)
Now that Jim Davidson has been arrested, we must be very careful what is said on the forum due to Internet Libel Laws.
Please consider things if you decide to label him as a comedian.
Please consider things if you decide to label him as a comedian.
Bellow
Hardcore MB Enthusiast
He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards then backwards.
Forward, then backwards again....back and forth....back and forth....in and out...in and out.
She could feel the sweat on forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting nearer to the end!
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, and then she moaned. Softly at first then louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK! OK! I CANT PARK THE FRIGGING CAR!!! YOU DO IT YOU SMUG *******!
Forward, then backwards again....back and forth....back and forth....in and out...in and out.
She could feel the sweat on forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting nearer to the end!
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, and then she moaned. Softly at first then louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
OK! OK! I CANT PARK THE FRIGGING CAR!!! YOU DO IT YOU SMUG *******!
Two monkeys sitting in a bath.
The first monkey goes " ooh oooh ooh aah"
The second monkey says " well put some cold in"
The first monkey goes " ooh oooh ooh aah"
The second monkey says " well put some cold in"
jimti
Active Member
oh
Last edited:
Palfrem
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2005
- Messages
- 2,965
- Location
- Solihull, near Birmingham
- Car
- W124 E36 AMG, G 300 GEL his, SLK 200 hers
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should'a bought a hat, Bert. Should'a bought a hat."
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice
anything different about me?"
Margaret looked him over. "Nope."
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed
and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Should'a bought a hat, Bert. Should'a bought a hat."
Bellow
Hardcore MB Enthusiast
A man goes to see his doctor, 'Doctor, I think I'm turning into a moth!'
'I'm sorry', says the doctor, 'I'm a GP, you need to see a specialist, there's a psychiatrist at the end of this street'
'I know that' says the man, 'But your light was on!'
'I'm sorry', says the doctor, 'I'm a GP, you need to see a specialist, there's a psychiatrist at the end of this street'
'I know that' says the man, 'But your light was on!'
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2008
- Messages
- 7,832
- Location
- In a World of My Own.
- Car
- 2017 Audi RS6 Avant Performance Edition. Range Rover Supercharged - Lovely!
You'll like this one, it's a cracker.
