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verytalldave
MB Enthusiast
More Horse burger jokes..................
I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’
Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.
My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.
I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But .[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] .[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT].[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT]THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!
My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.
If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.
[/FONT]
Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.
Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’
I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.
Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.
What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.
A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’y
‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’
They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.
A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’
I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’
Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.
A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.
Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.
I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.
Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.
I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.
I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?
I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.
Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’
Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.
Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?
I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.
I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.
Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’
And the most groan-inducing[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] .[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT].[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT].
What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.
I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.
I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.
I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.
So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.
Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.
I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.
I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.
Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.[/FONT]
I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’
Does anyone have a tooth pick? I had a Tesco burger last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.
My daughter has always wanted a pony, so I’m buying her a Tesco Quarter Pounder for her birthday.
I’ve got some Tesco burgers in the fridge. But .[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] .[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT].[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT]THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!
My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.
If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try Tesco’s veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.
[/FONT]
Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.
Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’
I won’t eat Tesco burgers. They may be low in fat, but they have a very high Shergar content.
Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.
What do you call a burnt Tesco burger? Black Beauty.
A motorist gets pulled over by a police officer, who asks him to blow into a breathalyser. The machine beeps.
‘I’m sorry Sir,’ says the officer. ‘You’re over the limit. Can you tell me what you have had tonight?’
‘Nothing Officer,’ replies the man. ‘Just a burger from Tesco.’y
‘That explains it,’ says the policeman. ‘I knew I could smell Red Rum.’
They’ve found horse meat in Tesco burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.
A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’
‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.
‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little bit horse.’
I selected some burgers on the Tesco website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’
Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.
A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.
I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.
Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.
Tesco won by a short head.
I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.
Have you heard? Now traces of zebra have been found in Tesco barcodes.
I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.
I used to work for Tesco, but I was fired. I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.
Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?
I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.
Husband: ‘I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.’
Wife: ‘Why don’t you go to Tesco?’
Personally, I think people who don’t like eating horse meat are being a bit blinkered.
Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.
Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?
I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.
I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a Tesco burger.
Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.
Unused HMV vouchers are now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV means ‘Horse Meat Voucher’.
Despite the recent scandal, Tesco insist they use only meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’
And the most groan-inducing[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] .[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT].[FONT=Cambria\00000d\00000a math] [/FONT].
What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.
I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in Tesco burgers for donkey’s years.
I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.
I hope Tesco were selling those burgers at hoof price.
So there’s horse meat in Tesco’s burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.
Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.
I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.
I ordered a Tesco burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.
Tesco would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.[/FONT]
D
Deleted member 65149
Guest
ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER:
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really ****** off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull****!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal ****holes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ****ing people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the ****in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some ******** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ****in' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally ****** off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
This, apparently, is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office.
Dear Sirs,
I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe how is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1988, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.
Do you guys do this by hand?
My birth date you have on my pension book.
It's on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years.
It is on my National Health card.
My driving licence.
My car insurance.
On the last eight damn passports I've had.
It's on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years.
All those insufferable census forms.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that WOULD ever change between now and when I die!!
I apologise, I'm really ****** off this morning.
Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bull****!
You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bleeding address!!
What is going on? Do you have a gang of neanderthal ****holes workin' there?
Look at my damn picture.
Do I look like Bin Laden?
I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere.
And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?
If I ever got the urge to do something wierd to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last ****ing people I'd want to tell!
Well, I have to go now,'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another ****ing copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30.
Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?
Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense.
You'd rather have us running all over the ****in' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then WE have to find some ******** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic ****in' morons)
Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally ****** off!
Signed
An Irate Citizen
P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me?
Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ...
I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor ..
WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN FRIGGIN` PAKISTAN!
The Pharmacist
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
The woman asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
grumpyoldgit
MB Enthusiast
Well, it made me smile......
grumpyoldgit
MB Enthusiast
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old man sitting on a park bench sobbing his eyes out. I stopped and asked him what was wrong. He said, “I have a 22 year old wife at home. She makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me a full English breakfast, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can't remember where I live!”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
He said, “She makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon...”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
He said, “For dinner she makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.”
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
He said, “I can't remember where I live!”
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
I've just seen an advert in my local newspaper.
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."
ACCOUNTANT NEEDED!
£35,000 - £40,000
So I phoned them up and said, "The answer is -£5,000."
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
After years of calling for the destruction of Britain and compulsory Islam for Europe, radical cleric Abu Qatada was arrested today and remanded in custody.
A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, 'He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn't close.'
A spokesman for the Crown Prosecution Service said, 'He went too far this time. His wheelie bin was over-full and the lid wouldn't close.'
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
I've written a book called, "101 Ways To Revive The High Street".
It's available on Kindle from Monday.
It's available on Kindle from Monday.
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
Went for a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked if I had any weak points.
"Honesty" I replied.
'Well I think honesty is a good trait for an employee' said the interviewer.
"I couldn't give a fook what you think" I replied.
"Honesty" I replied.
'Well I think honesty is a good trait for an employee' said the interviewer.
"I couldn't give a fook what you think" I replied.
st4
Banned
When I dropped my new girlfriend off the other night after our first date, she said I'd have to wait 6 months before she'd suck my ****. I told her I understood and fully respected her decision, and that I'd ring her nearer the time.
st4
Banned
My mate told me today he caught his 12 year old lad looking up women's skirts yesterday
"isn't that normal for a 12 year old?" I asked
"But not on ****ing eBay it isn't" he replied
"isn't that normal for a 12 year old?" I asked
"But not on ****ing eBay it isn't" he replied
Igurisu
Active Member
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
After a night of passion,Oscar Pretorios' new girlfriend snuggles in and asks,
"Oscar,did you really mean to kill her?"....
"Why,do you really need to know the truth?"he asks....
"No,not really,its just that I'm bursting for a pee ....."
"Oscar,did you really mean to kill her?"....
"Why,do you really need to know the truth?"he asks....
"No,not really,its just that I'm bursting for a pee ....."
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, Say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, Say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
Asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's No tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's No tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
Husband: 'Nothing.'
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
D
Deleted member 37751
Guest
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'