bennesspipers
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Jun 3, 2009
- Messages
- 1,539
- Location
- boston,lincs
- Car
- '95 W202 C220 Elegance saloon & 2001 C240 V6 Sport Estate
More Jokes
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Rupert44
Member
What goes
Mark Mark Mark Mark
A dog with a hair lip.
Mark Mark Mark Mark
A dog with a hair lip.
trapperjohn
MB Enthusiast
A Testimony to True Friendship
A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
A man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5.30 p.m. after work.
His wife screams at him as his friend listens in,
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
On a similar theme:
A man's life is like a lush, green meadow.
It's a beautiful thing until some cow comes along and cr@ps all over it.
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2008
- Messages
- 7,832
- Location
- In a World of My Own.
- Car
- 2017 Audi RS6 Avant Performance Edition. Range Rover Supercharged - Lovely!
...
Last edited:
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2008
- Messages
- 7,832
- Location
- In a World of My Own.
- Car
- 2017 Audi RS6 Avant Performance Edition. Range Rover Supercharged - Lovely!
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2008
- Messages
- 7,832
- Location
- In a World of My Own.
- Car
- 2017 Audi RS6 Avant Performance Edition. Range Rover Supercharged - Lovely!
Rupert44
Member
Take 1 pumpkin and measure it
Divide the diameter into its circumference
What do you get
Pumpkin Pi
Divide the diameter into its circumference
What do you get
Pumpkin Pi
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2008
- Messages
- 7,832
- Location
- In a World of My Own.
- Car
- 2017 Audi RS6 Avant Performance Edition. Range Rover Supercharged - Lovely!
Wayne Rooney's hair transplant has been a success, proof indeed, that you can polish a turd.
- Joined
- Nov 29, 2008
- Messages
- 7,832
- Location
- In a World of My Own.
- Car
- 2017 Audi RS6 Avant Performance Edition. Range Rover Supercharged - Lovely!
Why Posh and Becks?
Wouldn't it be easier to call them Thick and Thin?
Wouldn't it be easier to call them Thick and Thin?
trapperjohn
MB Enthusiast
Halloween
I wish the Americanisation of Halloween would just.....
I wish the Americanisation of Halloween would just.....
Last edited:
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2007
- Messages
- 12,859
- Location
- North Oxfordshire
- Car
- His - Denim Blue A220 AMG Line Premium / Hers - Obsidian Black R172 SLK55
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next cr@p could spell disaster...
- Joined
- Nov 6, 2007
- Messages
- 12,859
- Location
- North Oxfordshire
- Car
- His - Denim Blue A220 AMG Line Premium / Hers - Obsidian Black R172 SLK55
My girlfriend says if she finds me on a porn site again she will bang my head against the feckin keyboarxxckkkjrnsnskciogjfhshjf[
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
"Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, not so nice in a Spanish prison.
- Joined
- Aug 23, 2008
- Messages
- 2,462
- Location
- Southport
- Car
- Mine: BMW X4 2.0d M-Sport (Red) Hers: BMW X1 2.0d M-Sport (Black) Sorry about that...
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms
cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 Anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50
million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian
prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in
Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're
shocked, we never knew we had a library."
cache of 2000 semi-automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,
10 Anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50
million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian
prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in
Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned and a community spokesman said: "We're
shocked, we never knew we had a library."
edstrom76
Active Member
- Joined
- Nov 24, 2012
- Messages
- 459
- Car
- W124 E300D Auto
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt."
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?' I said, `No, sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little, at first."
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says...........
'Where's my toast?'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says...........
'Where's my toast?'