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Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a

school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the

best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina

puts her hand up and says "I have two questions" "Why did the Russians take

Crimea? And Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says "Good questions" But just as he is about to answer, the bell

goes, and the kids go to Lunch.

When they come back, they sit back down and there is room for some more

questions, another girl, Tatiana, puts her hand up and says "I have Four

questions"

"My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea? Why are we sending

troops to Ukraine? Why did the bell go 20 minutes early?

And Where is Alina?"
 
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.. Try to come up with the answer on your own.
(However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable to think this one through.)



Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth.




One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.

They are both thinking the exact same thing... what is it?






































































Don't look down.

 
The perfect US Road Trip passes through these three towns…

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intercoursesign2.jpeg


article-2185242-146FB5ED000005DC-227_634x475.jpg


While a holiday in Hong Kong can be disappointing…

funnyenglishsigns17.jpg
 
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Even better the third Character in the one from Hong King looks a bit like a man with a stiffy!

Not that mine looks like that, of course!
 
Make that second character!
 
Ian you clearly buy your car insurance from some strange places…









.
 
My wife asked me what my plans are for Easter.

The same as Jesus: disappear on Friday, show up on Monday.
 
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one of the questions I should have asked before buying a lighthouse.
 
Went to see the worst faith healer ever last night.

He was so bad, a bloke in a wheelchair got up and walked out.
 
I went for a prostate examination the other other day. After the process was was finished, the doctor quietly left the room.

After a few minutes, a nurse came in and said the words that no man in a similar position ever wants to hear;

"Who was that guy that just left ....?"

Sent from my iPad using MBClub UK
 
Were you ever instructed to walk 500 miles?

Were you ever encouraged to walk 500 miles?

If so, you could be entitled to compensation.


Contact Pro Claimers today.



.
 
If anyone has any political leanings, this works equally well by substituting any of effete ar5ehole's names.

Satire; alive and well...

“Good morning”, says Ed, “would you please cash this cheque for me?”

Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”

Miliband: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think
there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the
Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”

Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and
monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must
insist on seeing some identification”.

Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and
they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”

Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow
them”.

Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.

Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie
came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small
cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we
cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight
into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy
Murray.’

Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To
be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a
single thing that I’m any good at.”

Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?’
 
Upon hearing the news of the death of Keith Harris, Orville was reported to be speechless.
 
A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"

"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem, sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says, "Yes" and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you, sir. One of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"
 
Sad News…

My pet mouse, Elvis, died yesterday.

He was caught in a trap...
 
No job, lives on an estate, and second baby is on the way.

Kate Middleton talks on the Jeremy Kyle Show...
 

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