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Dead Duck

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later
with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed
the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on
its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled
out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried.
"£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry... if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20... but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it
all adds up."
 
The duck and the lawyer

THE DUCK AND THE LAWYER

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Scotland. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing...

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial lawyers in England and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in the North of Scotland. We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'
The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pat.

Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.
 
Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, “I’ll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren’t any ducks out there, I’m not going hunting.” So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, “Well I’m not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there.”

Earl says, “You’re going to take the dog’s barks for the truth?” Earl doesn’t believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, “I don’t believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!”

Chester says, “Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too.” So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it’s mouth and starts humping Earl’s leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, “This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!” The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.

The breeder says, “Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!”
 
Boots

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
kindergarten students put on his boots? He was really
struggling, so she began pulling and him pushing. The boots
still didn't want to go on. Finally, after several minutes
the first boot was on. When the second boot was on, she had
worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're
on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier
pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed
to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back
on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and
scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again
she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear
them."
She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered what
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his
feet again.
"Now," she said sweating profusely, "where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots. . ."
 
Two Jehovah's Witnesses were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two church members at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut. But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut. Convinced one of these rude church members was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.
Just then, one of the church members said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."
 
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?"
 
Bear said:
A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He is taken to the hospital by ambulance and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and noting the severe pain he is in, the doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do for him now, Doctor?"
Click to expand...

And the punchline.....

It'll keep the sheet off him.

Posting at 1.30am, Bear - did you fall asleep;)
 
Not sure if it was intended, but worked it out myself without the punchline.
May be Bear's sense of humour not putting the punchline in.:p :p :p
 
A man was sitting the London to Liverpool train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window.
After he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch.".
"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I bloody well want on this train."
He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a little sleep.
The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman, "Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"
"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I bloody well want on this train."
At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the window.
The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined £250 for that!"
To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police smell your fingers".
 

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to 'Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin'.


'What?' said the puzzled groom. 'How can that be if you've been married ten times.?'

'Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

'Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

'Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

' Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

'Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

'Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

'Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

'Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

'Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

'Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was........... God I miss him.

' But now that I've married you, I'm so excited'.

'Wonderful', said the husband, 'but why?


'You're with the 'GOVERNMENT'.
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED '

​
 
A man with a dog goes into a bar. After ordering a drink he tells the bartender that he would like to buy some cigarettes, but the bartender replies that, unfortunally they have run out. So the man says, "That's all right. I'll just send my dog across the street to get some.

He reaches into his pocket to discover the smallest note he has is a twenty. He puts it in the dog's mouth and tells the dog, "Boy,run across the street and get me some cigarettes, and don't forget the change".
Immediately the dog runs out the front door. A man sitting at the bar says to the dog's owner, Say, that dog is really going to bring cigarettes? Sure, says the man He can do all sorts of things, he's amazing

Just then they hear a loud sound of tyres screeching.The man looks up with fear in his eyes and says, "Oh,no!" He runs out and sees a car stopped just past the bar.
When he runs to the front of the car, he sees that it did not hit his dog after all, but managed to stop just in time. The reason , however, for the sudden stop was to avoid hitting the dog, who was humping another dog in the middle of the road.
"Hey," says the man to his dog, "what's going on? You never did anything like that before!!"
The dog looks up and says, "I never had twenty quid before"!!
 
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.
The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else.

The woman happily accepts..

He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the
woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says... "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday.

What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
 
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!

We can take an ******** out of Scotland, put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours.
 
Letters to the Editor - Viz!!
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Derby received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics? Neil Sedgwick, Nottingham .

In the 20th Century, Britain only made war with countries whose capital cities began with the letter 'B' - Germany (Berlin), Argentina (Buenos Aires), Iraq (Baghdad), and Serbia (Belgrade). China changed the name of Peking to Beijing and we bombed their embassy. One hopes we will show a little more imagination in this century. Martin Harwood, Bradford.

These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. Tim Wakefield, Surrey .

Now I've been going out with my girlfriend for some time, it seems OK when I break wind in bed. It's when I follow through that the petty arguments begin. I will never understand women. Chris Mapply, Carshalton.

We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and p*ssed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us. George Nisbet.

Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the Luftwaffe. Werner Hoffman, Munich .

Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore. M Duckworth, Poole .

So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either. J Leonard, Hull .

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's worst serial killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name than any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr. Shipman is 'Britain's best serial killer'. Colin Stagg, who was arrested in connection with one killing and turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'. Danny King, Balham

I heard recently that, on average, Alex Ferguson receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is, who's sending the other one? K Libretto, Welling

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing. Christina Martin, London
 
Sorry for the formatting...


Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage,
I notice mail on the porch table that
I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table,
put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table,
and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back
on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think,
since I'm going to be near the mailbox
when I take out the garbage anyway,
I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table,
and see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study,
so I go inside the house to my desk where
I find the can of beer I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks,
but first I need to push the beer aside
so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The beer is getting warm,
and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the beer,
a vase of flowers on the counter
catches my eye--they need water.
I put the beer on the counter and
discover my reading glasses that
I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk,
but first I'm going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote.
Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV,
I'll be looking for the remote,
but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table,
so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs,
but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers,
but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table,
get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to
remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn't washed
the bills aren't paid
there is a warm can of beer sitting on the counter
the flowers don't have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all damn day,
and I'm really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
and I'll try to get some help for it,
but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor.
Forward this message to everyone you know,
because I don't remember who
the hell I've sent it to.

Michele
P.S. don't forward it... spam is never nice!
 
Ah Viz!!

"I read with interest that the RAF have decided to replace the nude paintings of popular tit models like Lucy Pinder and Michelle Marsh on the side of their bombers with plain silhouettes for fear of offending the thousands of Muslims they are currently bombing the sh1t out of. I wholeheartedly applaud this display of sensitivity to another culture."
 
I was having trouble with my computer so I called Eric, the 11 year old
> next door, whose bedroom looks like mission Control and asked him to
> come round. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
>
> As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
> replied, "It was an ID ten T error."
>
> I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An, ID ten T
> error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again."
>
> Eric grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
>
> "No," I replied. "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it
> out."
>
> So I wrote down:



















I D 1 0 T
>
>
>
>
> I used to like Eric.............
 
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