On growing a beard (or attempting to do so).

Discussion in 'OT (OFF Topic) Forums' started by brucemillar, Jul 19, 2017.

  1. brucemillar

    brucemillar MB Club Veteran

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    Folks

    Some time back (around Christmas 2016) I decided to try and improve on what, many will know) is almost impossible to improve...... My facial look.

    The plan was simple. I should grow a beard.

    I didn't want an extravagant beard, or one that would resemble Captain Birdseye, who always reminded me, of what I think a seafaring pedophile would look like. Nor did I want biblical look or the more widely known Osama Bin Laden look.

    I wanted a Van Dyke or, a Charles I. A small neat pointed and straight well groomed beard, in the center of my chin and pointing down towards my feet. Pointing up or outwards, would risk creating a look like a Unicorn.

    It is important, to me, not to create a look of some women, who feature in the Readers Wives section of Top Shelf porn mags, where a lack of grooming has left them with what appears like a 'torn out Victorian fire place' around the fun bits.

    There is some history of beard growth and myself. I was not going into this as a complete beard virgin. Experiments in my youth had proved a George Michael stubble was possible in a fairly short time.

    With this in mind, I stopped shaving. Within a week I had a tremendous (my words) white growth of stubble NB. My head hair is also white (I am not an Albino, nor do I have sheep eyes. I just have white hair). God I looked good.

    Emboldened by this growth I entered into phase II.

    Shaving the bits that would leave just the pointy Van Dyke. And here is the problem. Months on I am still shaving the excess bits that would give me a Brian Blessed in a Father Christmas outfit look. But the Pointy bit - the bit I want is simply not growing, in line with what I would consider normal or reasonable speed. I mean, we are talking about tiny amounts being added every few months, where I was looking for inches. In six months of growth, it has managed about an inch!! It's a good looking inch and with some grooming is pointy and in the center of my chin, pointing down, as desired. It is just not getting any longer any quicker?

    What happens here? If I were in a religion, culture or cast, where the growing of a beard was demanded? Would I be cast out into the wilderness, told not to return until I lifted the shame of no facial hair growth the family? Or, is it that the beard is somehow disguised until it is ready for it's grand unveiling?

    One other issue that has become apparent. The cleft in my chin is, what I believe to be a normal sized cleft? I have never been made fun of, for it, or had references to bicycle stands made about it. But the hair within the cleft, grows at the same rate as the hair outside it. This creates a hairy valley on your face, meaning that the outer hairs have to be trimmed to allow the inner hairs to catch up, then overtake their companions, thus creating a pointy look. This process wastes even more growing time. A failure to get this bit right will give a facial vagina.

    Those who know such things, will tell you it was my birthday last Sunday. For the first time ever, in my birthday gifts I received......... Beard Shampoo, Conditioner & Wax and a beard comb. I was absolutely delighted with this, believing that my hirsute efforts were actually having an impact on my family. WRONG. Wife promptly announced as I opened the wrapping paper......"I know that you can't use it yet, but maybe in a few months it will come in handy"

    So what do others do?
     
  2. Charles Morgan

    Charles Morgan MB Club Veteran

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    For my school summer holiday before returning, entirely unsuccessfully, to sit the 7th term Oxbridge entrance examinations, I spent all 8 weeks labouring in Gibraltar dockyard. In that time I grew a full beard, less Bluebeard more Tsar Nicolas II. On returning to school a day before term started, my housemaster commented with approbation as to the size but then told me to shave instantly.

    I hate the misery of growing beards so don't bother now. I think Bruce if you aren't getting the right effect at 60, you probably aren't going to now. Some mutton chop whiskers would look far more you.
     
  3. renault12ts

    renault12ts MB Club Veteran

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    Sayin' nuffin'.
     
  4. DrFeelgood

    DrFeelgood MB Club Veteran

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    My Dad told me never to trust a man with a beard, apparently they have something to hide.
     
  5. Happytalk73

    Happytalk73 MB Club Veteran

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    :ttiuwp
     
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  6. merc85

    merc85 MB Club Veteran

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    Agreed!
    :ttiuwp
     
  7. OP
    OP
    brucemillar

    brucemillar MB Club Veteran

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    Hey Ho.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2017
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  8. Ted

    Ted MB Club Veteran

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    It's not the beard you need to worry about it's that bloody Barnet. Last seen on a certain Rodney Stewart in around 1971!!
     
  9. AngryDog

    AngryDog Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Whats that on your top lip? A few neighbour cats could lick that off in seconds lol
     
  10. zipdip

    zipdip Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Bruce never try to improve perfection,would you put a whip aerial on the W124,I rest my case.
     
  11. alzieboy

    alzieboy Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Kipper Bones. !! :D
     
  12. BTB 500

    BTB 500 MB Club Veteran

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    Having looked at this thread I'm now getting adverts for razors and shaving accessories coming up in Yahoo!
     
  13. MancMike

    MancMike New Member

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    What happens is, initially, your hairs are being held by your skin, directed outwards and so the initial growth is apparent.

    Once it's clear of the skin a few millimetres it starts to curl, and go from a stubble only look, to what you'd describe as a short beard, but growth there on seems much slower, as the hairs are all curling in and amongst themselves rather than fluffing out your face any further. Hair growth also isn't linear. It isn't a constant extrusion process, each hair has a life cycle, and they slow in growth towards the end of the middle of that cycle.

    You then get the itchy phase. Once past that, you should have a dense beard around 10 mm thick. If you start trimming the stragglers at that length, it'll look neat and gradually increase in thickness.

    There are three phases of a hair's life cycle. Anagen, catagen and telogen. The third stage is when it's reached the maximum length it'll grow, it sits dormant for a while, then falls out. With age, your hairs reach the third stage sooner. It's the reason a lot of old men's legs aren't as hairy as when they were young.

    Being a little older wiser, you won't be able to grow a beard as quickly as you would have in your late 20s.

    So basically, your wife is right, as always. :thumb:
     
  14. Charles Morgan

    Charles Morgan MB Club Veteran

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    Send them to Bruce would you Bill? It would be a small but essential act of mercy...
     
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  15. DrFeelgood

    DrFeelgood MB Club Veteran

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    Turns out he was half right:

    [​IMG]
     
  16. MancMike

    MancMike New Member

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    See this works in my favour. My beard is writing me cheques my moral compass can't cash. :devil:
     
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  17. OP
    OP
    brucemillar

    brucemillar MB Club Veteran

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    I rate this as "answer of the month". Brilliant. Informative, useful and helpful.

    Thank you.
     
  18. Happytalk73

    Happytalk73 MB Club Veteran

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    I WAS going to post a pic of my beard bit I can't compete with that Bruce.

    "You wanna be in my gang" Bruce? :D
     
  19. Darrell

    Darrell Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Today's beard is yesterday's mullet.

    It's a no-no.
     
  20. DrFeelgood

    DrFeelgood MB Club Veteran

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    Come on now Ant, come on.

    I was looking for this earlier:

    [​IMG]
     
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