Pammy... Do NOT look here!

[pammy]

Did they tell jokes in king Arthurs' time then

Just coz you know you've got a black book that you've filled all on your own!! I will start a new one you know. Staples will do a decent sized one I'm sure.

 

[GRAV888]

Just coz you know you've got a black book that you've filled all on your own!! I will start a new one you know. Staples will do a decent sized one I'm sure.

I have a Staples business account.
Should I pick you up a few?

 

[fnkhan68]

whilst were on the topic of jokes i'd thought i'll add my tupence. its not a blonde joke but sure did put a smile to my face.

YOU MUST READ THIS - NOT ONLY IS IT HILARIOUS, IT'S A TRUE STORY
>>AND
>>HAPPENED ON A SYDNEY RADIO STATION
>>
>>Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing
>>this. Many Sydneyfolk DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in
>>Sydney. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
>>The game is called MateMatch".
>>
>>The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
>>seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes",
>>he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions. The
>>person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with
>>phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same
>>three questions correctly,
they both win a prize. One particular
>>game, however, made Sydney drop to its knees with laughter.
>>
>> Anyway, here's how it went down:
>>
>>DJ: "Hey! This is ED on Fox FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
>>Match'?"
>>Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have"
>>DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold
>>Coast if you win. What is your name? First name only please".
>>Contestant: "Brian"
>>DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?
>>Brian: "Yes".
>>DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"
>>Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married"
>>DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First name only
>>please"
>>Brian: "Sara"
>>DJ: "Is Sara at work Brian?"
>>Brian: "She's gonna kill
me"
>>DJ: "Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?"
>>Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work"
>>DJ: "OK, first question - when was the last time you had
sex?"
>>Brian: "She's gonna kill me"
>>DJ: "Brian, stay with me here!"
>>Brian: "About 8 o'clock this
>>morning"
>>DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
>>Brian: (laughing sheepishly): "Well...."
>>DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>>Brian: "About 10 minutes"
>>DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would have said
>>that if a trip wasn't at stake"
>>Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice"
>>DJ: "OK. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
>>morning?"
>>Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well...."
>>DJ: "This sounds good Brian. Where was it at?"
>>Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with
>>us for a couple of weeks..."
>>DJ: "Uh huh"
>>Brian: "And the mother
in law was in the shower at the time"
>>DJ: "Atta boy Brian"
>>Brian: "On the kitchen
table"
>>DJ: "Not that great? That is more adventure than the previous
>>hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold,
>>get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen
>>to this"
>>3 minutes of commercials follow)
>>DJ: "OK audience, let's call Sara, shall we?" (touch
>>tones...ringing....)
>>Clerk: "Kinkos"
>>DJ: "Hey is Sara around there somewhere?"
>>Clerk: "This is she"
>>DJ: "Sara, this is Ed with Fox FM. We are live on the air right now
>>and I've been talking to Brian for a couple of hours now"
>>Sara: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>>DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not
>>to give any answers away or you'll lose. Soooooo, do you know the
>>rules of 'Mate Match'?"
>>Sara: "No"
>>DJ:"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions Sara.

>>If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be
>>off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us"
>>Brian: (laughing)
>>Sara: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>>Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, OK? Be
>>completely
>>honest"
>>Sara: (laughing) "yes"
>>DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex Sara?"
>>Sara: "Oh G.d, Brian...uh, this morning before Brian went to work"
>>DJ: "What time?"
>>Sara: "Around 8 this morning"
>>DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>>Sara: "12, 15 minutes maybe"
>>DJ: "Hmmm, that's close enough. I'm sure she is trying to protect
>>his manhood. We've got one last question Sarah. You are one
>>question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>>Sara: (laughing) "Yes"
>>DJ: "Where did you have
it?"
>>Sara: "OH MY GOD BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
>>Brian: "Just tell them honey"
>>DJ: "What is bothering you so much Sara?"
>>Sara: "well..................."
>>DJ: "Come on Sara...where did you have it?"
>>Sara: "Up the A**E!!"
>>After a long pause, the DJ said: "Folks, we need a take a station
>>break"

 

[fnkhan68]

one for the ladies.


A French teacher was explaining to her class that in French, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. "House"
for instance, is feminine -- "la maison", "Pencil" however, is masculine
"le crayon."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the
answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female,
and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a
masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons
for their recommendation.



The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

 

[fnkhan68]

sorry couldnt resist. put a smile on my face, havea good day!


ROMANCE MATHEMATICS



Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________



OFFICE ARITHMETIC



Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________











SHOPPING MATH



A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________











GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS



A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________











HAPPINESS



To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a

little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot andnot try to

understand her at all.

______________________________











LONGEVITY



Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a
lot
more willing to die.

______________________________











PROPENSITY TO CHANGE



A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________











DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE



A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________





HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[KLP 92]

_____________________________





HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs
and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing
the same thing to them at funerals.

That's a classic!

 

[pammy]

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Bugger - I am officially a failure So is Mr P

 

[pammy]

Dont know why Pammy would be upset by these...its not ike your a natural blonde is it Pammy
so is that 3 in the book then

 

[Spinal]

I just realise I forgot to say something...

every culture has their "blondes" (or group of poeple you can take the mickey out of and generally get really mad);
-brits have the blondes
-americans have blondes and texans
-italians have the carabinieri (type of police)
-indians have the sardaji (not sure how thats spelt)
-germans have the bavarians

and thelist goes on...

so here is a pic I got from a friend of mine, it came with this sentence:

Un nostro amico carabiniere è riuscito a portare fuori dalla caserma la risposta alla prima delle tre domande del concorso al ruolo di Maresciallo... fatene buon uso e non ditelo a nessuno! (Guarda l'allegato)

the translation is:

A "blonde" friend of ours has managed to smuggle out the first answer of the questionnaire for a position in the force... make good use of it and don't tell anyone!

the question reads:
"Identify X in the diagram below"

the answer (in red ink):
"its here -->"

 

[glojo]

It's a pity 'Oslo' hasn't contributed with his Swedish jokes.

John