Read this and tell me not to emigrate...

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guydewdney

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http://www.chris-longhurst.com/cometobritain.php

(too big to post all of it)


The following is an open letter to the UK government. It's based on Labour's ideas about "Cool Britannia" and "New Britain." The UK's outstanding achievements are underlined to make them quick to locate. Numbers in superscript denote quick references to supporting stories for those who think I'm making this all up.
If you like this, some views on our chosen country of residence - America - can be found here - Supersize My TylAdvAllevenol please.


Come to Britain where our railways are the oldest in Europe, and the drivers regularly pass red signals1. Why? Well sometimes using a mobile phone is more important than watching for red lights87. Marvel at the chances of being killed in one of our two annual loss-of-life train crashes2. That is, if you can get a train in the first place....or if you can afford the journey. Our prices go up 25% each year, you know.3 We're proud to have the most expensive rail fares on the planet now. But the money is going to good use. We're not investing in safety equipment (TPWS or ATP - both would save lives, but they cost too much), nor training, nor hiring new staff. No - the money is instead going to line the pockets of greedy shareholders4 who seem not to understand that they all have blood on their hands. It's the usual news story: Train Crashes In XXXX. Government declares "This will never happen again". Government then says "It's far too expensive to save lives!". Train Crashes in XXXX. Government declares "This will never ....etc etc etc ad nauseum.
Despite having some of the highest paid rail workers in Europe, they're all under the delusion that they're underpaid, so they're regularly on strike.5 Those that aren't on strike can't be bothered to turn up for work a lot of the time so we have endless cancellations due to "lazy-assed driver at home watching TV". Honestly, the railways would run so much better if it wasn't for those blasted passengers!
Never mind. You could always enjoy a day out on the rest of our public transport system that is in terminal decay. You may not plan it to be a day out, but that's how long it will take you to get wherever it is you want to go. If the transport still serves that destination of course. We're modernising, streamlining, centralising and making the system cost efficient. (That means: we've closed your nearest station / bus depot).6

Fear for your life as you drive around our permanently clogged and polluted road system, in the country with the highest incidence of road rage in Europe.7 Whilst you're sitting in stationary traffic, marvelling at what a lousy road system we have, spare a passing thought for the £5 tax you're paying each time you enter London.8 Mayor Living$ton tells us this is a 'congestion tax', but once you cut through the spin, you understand it's just "screwing the motorist because we can" tax. With the £80-per-day fine for not paying, conservative estimates add £212,050,000 to London's budget per year via this scheme. Or more importantly, takes that much more away from the motorist in tax each year.
As you dodge the bridge-bombers who throw bricks and cement blocks off motorway bridges 89 & 90, you should make the most of it if you decide to take a drive into our beautiful countryside. Although it's not taxed yet, once the GPS-correlated car tracking system comes into use, you'll be taxed for every mile you drive because Big Brother will be tracking you.9 (Speaking of miles, we're proud to have signed the metrication act in 1884 yet we still don't use metric in the shops or on our roads). Once you've parked your car, it will get stolen. (By the way - don't bother reporting that to the police - technically it's not a crime any more and they might suggest you try to steal it back rather than bother them again). Yes - Britain is proud to be the car crime capital of the world10, you know. Don't rest on your laurels if your car is safe in your driveway in the morning though - the growing trend in car-jacking11 will soon see you separated from your pride and joy, often with the added benefit of you ending up in hospital (or even dead) as a result. Still, no worry. You can buy another car and pay 35% more for it than any other country in Europe12, then you can fill it with British petrol and pay 450% tax on that (plus the extra 17.5% "value added" tax too). You can pay a tax simply to drive on the roads, and then courtesy of our new road tolling schemes, pay again to drive on the roads. That's right - in England we're proud to force you to pay twice to use a single piece of road. (m6toll.co.uk) Once you're a paid-up motorist, sit back and relax whilst contributing to the £38bn the government siphons out of motorists in various taxes every year13. A little math will tell you that in a country with a population of 65 million, the government is making £615 per year per person (young or old, baby or pensioner) purely in motoring taxation. Divide that down into the number of people who actually own cars (around 25 million I suppose) and you're taxed a staggering £1600 per year just to own a car. If you manage to keep your car, ensure you have a big bank account as you are likely to get caught on one of our 8,800 (and growing) revenue earners speed cameras. (621,400 miles of road means one camera every 70 miles). The charge is £65 per ticket plus another £15 in tax14. Yes that's right - we tax our traffic violations. Don't think it's just the police that can catch you either. We've empowered our traffic wardens with the ability to cite you for traffic offences too!80. If you don't have the money to pay though, just make up an excuse, but be aware that this only works if you're a famous person or if you're a serving politician. Speaking of traffic offences, due to a quirk in our traffic law, you can go to jail for driving into a tree, but only be fined £2500 for mowing someone down and killing them93. Life is cheap in England but trees are dear. Our government are so in touch with transport policy that they've decided to tax bigger motorcycle engines now too15, claiming that bigger motorbike engines cause congestion and pollution. No - I can't figure that one out either...

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Cheery little devil aren,t you.

Let me know when you emigrate I,ll come with you, but look on the bright side its almost top down weather.

gary
 
yeah - but i have a coupe not a roadster...

been looking at property in france - you can pick up a chateaux in the pyrennees for less than my 3 bed semi....
 
guydewdney said:
yeah - but i have a coupe not a roadster...

been looking at property in france - you can pick up a chateaux in the pyrennees for less than my 3 bed semi....
And there's some gread roads for driving around in the south of France :D
 
jimti said:
And there's some gread roads for driving around in the south of France :D

I totally agree with you there. I am going for a second stab again this year but this time taking the Coupe. The road from Milau to Florensac is unreal. Motorway all the way and NO traffic to talk about. Watch for the speed camera under the first tunnel though, nearly caught me out. :eek:
 
It really is as Salman Rushdie said when he was in hiding with a price on his head - There IS no place like home
 
on the subject of emigrating, does anybody remember the promises that Frank Bruno and Paul Daniels made about leaving the country should Labour get elected?

8 years down the line....Why are they still here?

:D

Andy
 

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