Severe Trauma & Recovery Help

brucemillar

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If you are of a nervous disposition then please do not read on:

Yesterday (Yes I know it was the 1st April) I went with my wife and two teenage daughters to 'visit' IKEA in Lakeside. We arrived just after 13:00 and managed to get out just before 17:00.

Dear God, it was hell in there. I saw things that no man should have ever have to witness. I was forced to watch as Mrs M picked up IKEA branded cordless tools, and said stupid things, like "you don't have any of these". "Thank f*ck for that". I mumbled back"

We then had to visit the IKEA Cafe. Christ almighty. This is where my feet left the ground and I was carried forward in swelling mass of humanity, all intent in getting hold of the 'free' tea & coffee. No queuing system is employed in the Cafe and worse still no Marshals were evident. It was like being in a Medieval Pilgrimage. I had absolutely no control over where I would be carried to, or where we would end up. How we all arrived at the same table is a miracle.

Then, just as we headed to the exit. The very worst that can happen to any human happened!! They had several HUGE SALE!!! Signs blocking our path. An hour, a whole hour, then spent looking at broken stuff that nobody wants anymore. Junk, the same as you would find dumped down a Country Lane on a wet foggy day, smelling of wee and damp. Rubbish!!!

But it is "Reduced" rubbish, it is, "in the sale" rubbish. At one point I spotted Mrs M, like a lioness dragging off some food to her hungry cubs, but it was a three legged table. Seriously.... I kid you not.. A f*ck*ng three legged table, that was reduced from £xxxx to £yyyy.

I am home now. Last night I slept poorly, despite deliberately overdosing on Tramadol. This morning it feels like it must have happened, but maybe to somebody else. I am still shaking.

Do not, no matter what the temptation??? go with your other half to an IKEA. Stay at home and play with 240v mains electric, or try and build a bomb from engine parts and airbags using only your teeth.

Be safe people. Be safe..
 
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brucemillar

brucemillar

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Next Door to Alice - 25 'kin years now
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C55 AMG Wagon - W124 300te 4matic Wagon - BMW 4.8is X5 E53 - SWB Pajero 3.5 V6 24v
Did you buy a bag of tea lights ?

NO I DID NOT, BUY A BAG OF TEA LIGHTS. Mrs M was looking at sacks of them that would have required an eight axle 42 ton juggernaut to get home. She didn't buy these either. She just looked, and looked, then looked again, then a backwards glance.
 

PobodY

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I feel your pain. - As soon as we set foot in Ikea my wife finds things that we apparently desperately need, and it's the first I've heard about it.

The only saving grace is that she discovered you can order online and have Ikea deliver, so that's her preferred option now.
 

moonloops

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IKEA = the place where they sell you a lamp for £1.99 only for you to find out the bulbs are £4.99

It is a grim experience.
 

KennyN

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I am convinced they rotate the arrows on the floor as once you think you know where you are going then you end up getting lost AGAIN.

Hateful place, although the Malm bedroom furniture seems to sell well.

Kenny
 

Mike Walker

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You have my deepest sympathy Bruce. What you need to do, in my experience, is go once and create so much fuss that you are never invited again. Worked for me.

I have been asked to go to the Croydon Branch to purchase particular items so I go alone in the evening. Traffic is less and I can go there and be back within an hour.

Mrs W does not understand this at all.
 

grober

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Ingvar Kamprad Elmtaryd Agunnaryd--- you too can luxuriate in tasteful Scandinavian furniture made of particleboard, aluminum screws, and wooden dowels.--- nice.:rolleyes:
 

Druk

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So you didn't have the LARGE Swedish meatballs with cranberry sauce and large Coke with free refills? What a wasted trip.

The benefits are grabbing a window seat and spend a happy hour watching someone try to cram a Signurdafor 8ft wardrobe into a 1993 Fiesta tailgate. Endless fun.



.
 
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I like to laugh at the grumpy old men in IKEA to pass the time waiting while the Mrs has to touch every single item that they sell, I've no idea what the touching is meant to achieve.

My favourite moment was when I observed an older couple looking at the ceiling lights:

Her - What do you think of this one?
Him - For christ's sake woman I don't give a toss, you are the only one who looks up in our house.

Genius logic.
 
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Smart320

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Have had to lie down after reading these posts
 

Druk

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Just say "NO!"

That same logic could be applied to the guy who's having to miss Benz ot G because of his anniversary.

I just have to remember who it is that goes to Tesco four times a week, cooks my dinner and cleans the loo.

Erm??? :dk: :D
 

DSM10000

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That same logic could be applied to the guy who's having to miss Benz ot G because of his anniversary.

I just have to remember who it is that goes to Tesco four times a week, cooks my dinner and cleans the loo.

Erm??? :dk: :D

There are many beautiful places to spend ones anniversary in Hampshire or Sussex:D:D
 

Scrooge89

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I steer well clear of places like ikea, especially in Lakeside. Unfortunately our local Tesco is in Lakeside too. We usually go Monday evenings after the wife is home from work, it gets absolutely ridiculous there when all the whoops stuff gets wheeled at cut prices. There was an actual first fight over it the other month, surely no one is that desperate to save a few pence?!!
 

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