some funnies

shrekky

Member
Joined
Jun 17, 2005
Messages
59
> >Sheila, the Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the
> >bathroom floor.
> >
> >Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did a splits and
> >suction-cupped herself to the floor.
> >
> >She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"
> >
> >Bruce came running in.
> >
> >"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor," she said.
> >
> >"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast
> >girl. I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate) to help."
> >
> >They came back and they both tried to pull her up. "No way, we can't do
> >it," Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B." "Plan B," exclaimed Bruce,
> >"what's that?" "I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll
> >break the tiles under her," replied Cobber.
> >
> >"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
> >with her nipples.
> >
> >"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said,
> >"Not exactly a good time for that mate!" "No," Bruce replied, "but I
> >reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen
> >where The tiles are less f*****g expensive"!!!!
> >


GREAT SEX______________


The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first
time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very
tavern, where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."


"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"Okay," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we
can do it for old times sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but a very good
idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these
two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them
so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man
drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally,
they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He
thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. "I've got to
ask them what their secret is."

As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is
there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


TAZER________ i laughed so hard coz i'm stupid enough to try this;)

A Pocket Tazer, a gift for the wife for her protection.
This was submitted by a guy who thoughtfully bought his lovely wife a "pocket tazer" for their anniversary.
Please put down that hot cup of coffee before you read this!
---------------------------------------
Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my fancy.
I bought something really cool for my wife, Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip.
The effects are supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on +@!!#^=sailant, but allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety....WAY TOO COOL!
The police often use tazers to immobilize people resisting arrest...you've seen those things throw out what looks like little streaks of lightning toward the bad guy.
Golly, this would be cool for my wife to defend herself from assaults.
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two little AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing! I was so disappointed. However, I learned that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time,
I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to.
Awesome!!! But I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the front of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy,
thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul)
while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target.
I must admit I thought about zapping ole Gracie for a fraction of a second and thought better of it.
She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose....directions in one hand,
Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient !#=#&^*sailant;
a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make !#=!!$&sailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
All the while I'm looking at this harmless-looking little device measuring about 5 inches long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no daggone way....impossible!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
I'm sitting there alone except for Gracie looking on with her head +@&*ed to one side as to say, "Don't do it, buddy."
Reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad,
I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY GUACAMOLE! DANG!!!
Now, I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura must have ran in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner,
then body slammed me on the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal positio*+*=**=!=s on fire,
$++&@^^*s nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
Gracie was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself,
"Do it again, do it again, you idiot."
(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO LET GO OF THAT LITTLE RASCAL UNTIL IT IS DISLODGED FROM YOUR WRETCHED HAND BY YOUR VIOLENT THRASHING ON THE FLOOR.
You are gonna want to, but the message from your brain is gonna have all sorts of trouble getting to the hand that holds that little Tazer.)
OUCH....SON-OF-A-GUN, that thing hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point),
I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both &!+*^$s were still twitching. I felt sure my face had been shot up with Novocain,
and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. By the way, has anyone seen my &#@*@!&@s? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward if they will still function.




this sound familiar ladies ?.......WAXING !!
This seriously will make you laugh out loud till you cry, BECAUSE IT COULD
HAVE BEEN YOU!!!!!

ONE WOMAN'S TALE OF WAXING................
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal -
The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.
I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
"Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand,
they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.
No mess, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together,
my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.
Hold the skin around it
tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!
I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.
I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the was strip across the right side of my bikini line,
covering the right half of my ##$^*^ and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip)
I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!!!
Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. DANG!!!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door. *=$=#&? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"
What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in,
immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...
in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though
I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter -
"So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause.
She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,
"Are we talking cheeks or hole or who-ha?" She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.
I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your
girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving
the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, my dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure
I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.
My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!
The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend.
It's sooooooo painful, but I really don't care. "IT WORKS!! It works!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could
have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
 

PJH

MB Enthusiast
Joined
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Messages
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Location
Feering,Essex
Car
C180k for Wifey, Focus Ecoboost 6 speed
:D Electric Fence :D
 

BigBenz

New Member
Joined
Jan 5, 2006
Messages
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Location
Knaresborough
Car
E320 CDi Estate (His) - Seat Ibiza FR (Hers)
wallingd said:
I've got work to do - can't read all that ;).

Do like I do - stay up late when all are in La la land - plenty of time to read novellas online:)
 

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