spying (actually not - please read!!!)

[jonnyboy]

Hope that got your atttention guys!

I have a problem.
15 yo daughter, intelligent, in GCSE year.
Loads of the schoolwork involves PC, internet, online VLE (something to do with the school).
We fully believe she is p***ing about with Facebook, IM, TV, texting and all that tosh as the bedroom door is always shut. If you just go in there seems to be a mad scramble and her desktop display is visible on the monitor with no windows open.
Had a parents evening last night, generally good (although not enough effort to realise her full potential) but one subject falling apart and teacher 100% positive its "can't-be-ars*d-ness" yet its a subject fundamental to her future pathway.

Initial reaction was to rip out TV, PC, etc etc etc. Not an option as needed for schoolwork, so we are in a bit of a bind as we need to save her from herself.

We don't really want to be "spying" on her internet usage, but need to control what is happening. Don't know where to start.

Talking to the teachers, the 35+ ones seem well p***ed off with the likes of social networking/texting as it is distracting kids too much (lets face it, there has always been something, hasnt there....). They also reckon there is a lack of support for their views from the younger teachers (no doubt cos they all use Facebook/Twitter etc......).

Would love some feedback/ideas/advice.

Hope this is in the right section. If not, mods, please do move it.

Thanks

 

[Ted]

Put an entry in the hosts file to point the facebook (or any other)url to 127.0.0.0

Or, most firewalls these days can be configured for timed access to sites you define.

And I feel your pain. I truly truly do,

 

[Mr E]

I have a simple (and thought by many to be draconian) answer which works well with my 14-year old...

Only two of the 4 machines in the house have net access - my laptop and the desktop in the hallway. I had a more savvy friend (security architect by trade) set it up so that they can use the printer, access "My Documents", etc, but cannot get out onto the net.

So if he needs net access (which he does for VLE, homework, etc) the he has to sit in the hall, in the open, and not behind a closed bedroom door.

It's never been an issue as this is how it's always been - it is harder to try and get the genie back into the bottle. You have my sympathy...

 

[Sp!ke]

Install bluecoat K9 on her PC. (its free) http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

You can then define what she can do and what times she is allowed to. You will have complete granular control and wont need to spy on her.

Have a dialogue with your daughter about your reasons and agree with her what the restrictions should be before implementation.

 

[Mudster]

Our 11 year old daughter is constantly on Facebook/msn, it's becoming an issue so I'm following this thread with interest.

I know some of the parents actually condone this behaviour which makes it more difficult to control.

 

[davidjpowell]

We have had this with my stepson. Bluecoat K9, is a good product and works well. I used to particularly like the dog bark when it comes across something that they do not like. Public spaces is also useful for the Internet Access.

Step-son now lives with his Dad has a laptop and can do what he likes. I don't agree with it, but can't stop it.

He recently borrowed my phone to use MSN messenger and forgot to sign out. Some of the messages (mainly from girls!) were unbelievably outrageous and bearing in mind that they were coming from 13/14 years frankly disgusting.

If it's like this now, I'm even more worried what it will be like in ten years time when my daughter is this age.

 

[Benzowner]

Common guys, have you all forgotten what it was like when we were a spotty face 15 year old about to do our exams? My mum and dad seemed to keep on and on about my future and how these O levels were necessary, but there was always something better to do, and I am sure that is our parents heard what we talked about face to face I am sure I would have gotten a hiding from my dad My son is now 31 and often says to me that he should have listened to us when he was at school, I just smile. Most kids beleive we were born old and were never their age, or if they do think we may have been born and grown up, it was different to their life now. 15 year olds think they know all there is to know and what do we know anyway You will need to sit down and discuss this with her, tell her it will only be for a couple of months untill the exams are out of the way, by then she may have matured a little to see that there is life after twitter and face book. I am firmly of the beleif if you impose restrictions on kids you may drive them away, while she is in your home, you can exert some form of control, if she starts dissappearing off to a "mates" house you will not know what she is up to.

Best of luck my friend, been there done that etc etc. Just remember try to convince her that school time is the best time of their life, it may not seem it now, but if she has any older cousins she can ask, it may sound better from them than from some old git who knows nothing called her parents.

 

[Bobby Dazzler]

I think kids always have a distraction to take them away from school work, it's just that the distractions change through time.

When I was at school it was having my Amiga in the corner, and a portable tele.

In the 60s/70s it might have been a radio or record player, and before that a book, a doodle pad, a window with a view, anything other than school work!!

I think the ideal solution - albeit most difficult - would be to make sure she understands the implications of too much distraction, and too little work. If you don't then the distraction might change to some of the old fashioned distractions above, with the underlying problem still there. Easy for me to say though.

 

[crammy69]

I freind of mine from Canada uses a program calld "logmein" so that he can check his childrens usage whenever he likes. Its down to his own discretion to ignore the content of the MSN conversations, but if he logs on and sees all the browsers are non-homework related then a quick shout to the children to get on with it sesm to work. His view is: "my house, my network, my child, my rules". Draconian perhaps, but it works for him.

 

[louisv6]

I don't have kids, but grew up with the internet (I was 14 in 1994, and was one of the first people I knew to get a modem). I'm well aware of what a distraction it can be (as I was permanently distracted), and I'm often staggered at the kind of stuff the 14 year olds now are getting access to.

In 1994, the 'porn' available was pretty much limited to ladies wearing bikinis. These days... well...

I'm firmly of the opinion that net access for kids of both sexes should be limited if only to protect them from having their "minds warped" (horrible phrase) - either by the kind of 'chat' that goes on in the virtual space (lets face it, they wouldn't have those conversations face to face...), or the kind of content they can get access to on the web, for free, and without restriction.

My answer would be to install a PC in a public place as has been suggested. Kids will know what's acceptable, and won't stray beyond that line in a public place.

Clearly everyone's entitled to their approach, but my personal feeling is that it would be irresponsible for me to allow a child under the age of 16 unmonitored access to the kind of content they couldn't begin to rationalise at such a tender age.

Software installed on the PC can only go so far, and is usually easily circumvented. Of course how you deal with the obvious issues of (lack of) trust by moving the PC from a private place to a public place is another thing entirely (EDIT: Actually the same could probably be said for installing anti-naughtiness software on her PC...)!

 

[HughJarse]

Yes I too carry a sundial on my wrist to tell the time. I also always have a 10p piece in my pocket in case I need to phone a policeman.

Sometimes you've just got to get in the modern world, facebook etc social networking is here to stay and you aint gonna get rid of it by "blocking sites" or turning the PC off. She's 15 not 5. If she were younger Id agree with putting the PC in public place, however, shes a maturing young lady who needs her own personal space - at a price though, which is, if you're going to treat her like a young adult, then she must behave like one.

I would suggest the way forward is a compromise, sit her down, explain that you worried, that you don't mind her chatting to her friends, but it comes with a price. The price is she has to do her homework first - and prove she done it.

She will or certainly should be using the VLE ( theres a compulsory parental access scheme coming, however she will have left by then.) Some of the VLEs we are currenlty looking at have chat built in. Just like some colleges have notice/pin boards where you can post a message and get a reply.

Its the education of use, not the "witch" cries that you're hearing on here that needs addressing.

 

[jonnyboy]

thanks so far guys, interesting responses from differing viewpoints. Immediate short term response is that she is using my laptop for homework out in the open.
I agree its all about personal responsibility, and teaching them "the right way". Wouldnt want to say that to the parents of that girl who was just murdered via a Facebook scam though........

 

[louisv6]

Yes I too carry a sundial on my wrist to tell the time. I also always have a 10p piece in my pocket in case I need to phone a policeman.

I do agree... I just think left unchecked kids will push their luck. Pushing your luck is pretty easy on the internet, and peer pressure is a wonderful thing.

My parents used the "Because I said so" method with me, and it's not helpful.

 

[kay7]

Hope that got your atttention guys!

I have a problem.
15 yo daughter, intelligent, in GCSE year.
Loads of the schoolwork involves PC, internet, online VLE (something to do with the school).
We fully believe she is p***ing about with Facebook, IM, TV, texting and all that tosh as the bedroom door is always shut. If you just go in there seems to be a mad scramble and her desktop display is visible on the monitor with no windows open.
Had a parents evening last night, generally good (although not enough effort to realise her full potential) but one subject falling apart and teacher 100% positive its "can't-be-ars*d-ness" yet its a subject fundamental to her future pathway.

Initial reaction was to rip out TV, PC, etc etc etc. Not an option as needed for schoolwork, so we are in a bit of a bind as we need to save her from herself.

We don't really want to be "spying" on her internet usage, but need to control what is happening. Don't know where to start.

Talking to the teachers, the 35+ ones seem well p***ed off with the likes of social networking/texting as it is distracting kids too much (lets face it, there has always been something, hasnt there....). They also reckon there is a lack of support for their views from the younger teachers (no doubt cos they all use Facebook/Twitter etc......).

Would love some feedback/ideas/advice.

Hope this is in the right section. If not, mods, please do move it.

Thanks

I do understand you ! My daughter is bit different. Shes not allowed AT ALL to use social networking until 18! Full stop! I`m fully against this! can`t you see this is all controlled over the net!? Everywhere you surf they want your details...and then we shout out loud: ID THEFT!
We`ve never had accounts on: facebook, msn, yahoo, twitter and so on ...no need ! Read a damn book ...but as education in UK has become the lowest in Europe what can do !? Social networking and Blackberries...

 

[Swozza]

Don't do anything, apart form speak to her. You'll only come out the bad guy and your daughter is more than likely to rebel if she found out you was spying. Teenagers will always have something that distracts them from study. I my case it was Multi Player DOOM and I ended up flunking my first year at UNI because of it...... However I learnt the error of my ways and re-sat the year and went on to pass my degree. Your daughter will relies her mistake and at that age, she'll have plenty of time to put things right.

 

[timskemp]

I have porn etc restricted using opendns, which is quite effective. My kids are allowed facespace and mybook on the condition that I remain in their friends list.

 

[HughJarse]

I do understand you ! My daughter is bit different. Shes not allowed AT ALL to use social networking until 18! Full stop! I`m fully against this! can`t you see this is all controlled over the net!? Everywhere you surf they want your details...and then we shout out loud: ID THEFT!
We`ve never had accounts on: facebook, msn, yahoo, twitter and so on ...no need ! Read a damn book ...but as education in UK has become the lowest in Europe what can do !? Social networking and Blackberries...

Did you know the earth isn't flat... yes its round.

 

[kay7]

Did you know the earth isn't flat... yes its round.

Really ?? wow ! Evrika !

 

[BlackC55]

I do understand you ! My daughter is bit different. Shes not allowed AT ALL to use social networking until 18! Full stop! I`m fully against this! can`t you see this is all controlled over the net!? Everywhere you surf they want your details...and then we shout out loud: ID THEFT!
We`ve never had accounts on: facebook, msn, yahoo, twitter and so on ...no need ! Read a damn book ...but as education in UK has become the lowest in Europe what can do !? Social networking and Blackberries...

Really!

is it just ID fraud you are scared of?

 

[WLeg]

I had the same problem.

I created 2 accounts on her PC, which are controlled by Microsoft Family Safety. One which allows her use of MSN, Myfacebookspace, etc. When the homeworks, done and checked, she can go use it. Family safety is a pig to setup, but logs most things......

The previous solution was to block all (hosts file, static IP and router rules) the social and fun stuff from the PC in her room, so it was a homework only device, and make her use another PC for social networking.

Previous to that, we used the "we will explain it all to you, and trust you approach".
Draw your own conclusions.....