Teenagers and alcohol.

WLeg

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Specifically our 14 year old daughter.......But I'm sure I'm not alone..

Complains a lot.

Because we won’t let her go out with “school friends” (and their friends, and older brothers their friends, etc), or let her go to clubs/pubs and drink.

We are happy for her to have a small glass of wine, or a slurp of beer, with us, at home, on occasion, but not the WKD’s, vodka Red Bulls, etc she is after – either at home or out and about.

Obviously, we are mean, and all her friends drink....The good news is that none of her friends smoke !

So my question is what do/would you do – How do you introduce a stroppy teenager to being RESPONSIBLE with alcohol ?
 

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Let me first say that I don't have a teenager so can't comment so directly.

But from my own experience and those around me I think pretty much everyone has to go through a phase of drinking & suffering for it, of course the difficulty is in having this experience without being open to significant risks. Also from the people I know, the single biggest influence is parents - if they 'enjoy' a drink then the kids tend to follow suit, so my first priority with my son on all such issues(granted he is only 4) is to try to lead by example.

Good luck by the way!
 

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Turn a blind eye one time and let them drink a *little* too much at home, to the point where they feel unwell and have to spend an hour or so praying into the porcelain.

That usually does the trick and its much better done at home in a controlled environment rather than out in the local park.

As for friends being allowed out to clubs etc at 14 years old, it doesnt sound like these are the sort of people she should be hanging around with at that age. Its cruel to be kind as they say.

None of her friends smoke you say? I very much doubt that. At 14, a pretty high percentage have now tried or are dabbling in cannabis even if they dont smoke cigarettes.

Facebook may give you a clearer picture of what goes on on her friends nights out ;)
 

Benzowner

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A few years ago I will admit, but, I think, as you say, most parents go through this and it is/was not easy.I remember it was about then, I changed to talking to my children as adults as, rightly or wrongly, seemed to be the thing to do. I explained that it was not just they who was breaking the law, under age drinking, but also the people who were supplying them. I discussed what damage they could be doing to themselves and so on and so on. But the real choice is, do you try and force your will and say no, or not say ok, but say be careful with a strong proviso that any trouble and you are grounded. I wish you luck.
 

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Specifically our 14 year old daughter.......But I'm sure I'm not alone..

Complains a lot.

Because we won’t let her go out with “school friends” (and their friends, and older brothers their friends, etc), or let her go to clubs/pubs and drink.

We are happy for her to have a small glass of wine, or a slurp of beer, with us, at home, on occasion, but not the WKD’s, vodka Red Bulls, etc she is after – either at home or out and about.

Obviously, we are mean, and all her friends drink....The good news is that none of her friends smoke !

So my question is what do/would you do – How do you introduce a stroppy teenager to being RESPONSIBLE with alcohol ?

I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I/We have been through this with our eldest who is now nearly 17.

The problem I think lies with the mixing with others whose parents dont care quite as much added to the social pressures to drink. It seems to me that pretty much all 14 year olds and above EXPECT there to be alcohol available at parties. It staggers me that so many parents seem to allow this.

My conclusion with it was that its part of the moral and social responsibility breakdown we have in this country. It doesnt happen anywhere near so much in France and whats the difference? The youth there tend to respect their parents/elders more so than here.

That probably doesnt help you much though. What I would advise is, and this is what we do, to let her try it at home and get really drunk. She will feel so ill that it will put things into a bit of a perspective for her and she will think twice about drinking that sort of quantity of alcohol again. Sadly unless you stop her going out altogether you wont stop her drinking when she is out with her friends. Its how you manage it that will matter.

Teenage girls:crazy:

Hope you get it resolved.

Edit: Just seen Sp!ke's comment about Facebook. You would be amazed what the kids put on there. It really does give you a much truer picture of what they get up to. Sadly it also tells their school and prosepctive employers aswell.

Ps. Why is your Avatar a lampshade against a beige wall :)
 
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Alps

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difficult one, mines only 16 mnths old, so a while before i encounter this problem!

I think you have to make them understand the reason why , if you completely ban them,. they will drink behind your back, and if you give them complete freedom, then they will come home drunk all the time.

Is there not an older sibling/cousin who she can relate to more than "the parent" who you can persuade to have a word?
 

Mudster

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My OH's daughter is 10, her grandparents drink wine with almost every meal, she's been offered it and thinks it's disgusting...which was the hope and aim.

We're clinging to the hope that she'll simply not like it.....

These kids are growing up terribly quickly these days, 10 years old going on stroppy 16 year old if you ask me!
 

A210AMG

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Our 16month old has a stop if she doen't get a bottle.












































Milk of course but alreading getting an attitude...




I say start them early this was when she was around 4 months old.... (no she didn't drink any) :) :)


 

davidjpowell

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My stepson is 12, and his dad is a Contract Cleaner - he works nights cleaning bars.

Lately Dan has started to go out some nights with his Dad to work (we would prefer not, but being realistic we would only be ignnored if we voiced our opinion and it is in holidays etc so not too bad). Still he sees the pond life out in Bristol City Centre in the wee hours and so far he seems pretty disgusted. Hopefully this might last into his teenager years!

David
 

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Theres nout that can be done really I hate to say. If they learn the hard way by throwing up they'll just show off to their friends about how much they put away and only add to the desire to drink more. If you refuse them any drink, they'll seek it out elsewhere. I did when I was 14 (9 years ago). If you give them a moderate amount of alcohol they'll develop a taste for it, and seek out more when they are out with their friends.

Kids as young as 14 going to pubs and clubs isn't unheard of, but usually they'd get asked for ID at the door or bar of they look young, so @ 14 you still have some time left.

It took me until 22 to come to my senses when it came to drink, as when it was "legal" for me to drink I still drank too much. I still do now come to think of it but the frequency is much less.

One thing you could do is look for other things that interest them more, like sport, if they want to play footie @ 9am on sunday morning then that rules out a night of drink etc.
 

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Specifically our 14 year old daughter.......But I'm sure I'm not alone..

Complains a lot.

Because we won’t let her go out with “school friends” (and their friends, and older brothers their friends, etc), or let her go to clubs/pubs and drink?
!4 yrs old and wanting to go out drinking with her friends!! You must be concerned to have asked the question, but sadly 14 year old children can be extremely headstrong and very devious.

I'm afraid I was very protective regarding my daughter but of course she was allowed out and allowed to go in to town when she was 14... But there was no way she would ever think about drinking alcohol and we ALWAYS wanted to know where she was going and we had a 9pm time that she would be home.

My theory was that from when they were babies they were told right from wrong, if she wanted to have a small glass of wine then that was perfectly acceptable, I have always made it clear that if they wanted to smoke they could but I just thought it daft. (None of my children smoke) they could also drink when in doors but until they were 18, then pubs were totally out of bounds.

My advice is you have to trust your daughter but she MUST respect her parents. For you to trust her, she must in turn respect your worries and concerns! I would insist she comes home by 9pm BUT she would NOT be allowed out until any homework was done, plus any house hold chores!
I feel for you and we have all been there.

Incidentally my daughter is returning home today after a fortnight's holiday in America!

Regards
John
 

verytalldave

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My 3 are 28 years (girl), 25 years (girl) and 19 (boy). So you could say I have been there, done it AND worn the tee shirt.
Its a real problem and one that you have very little control over. You may like to kid yourself you do, but you dont. When kids get to GCSE age they have so much freedom and for some, money at their disposal, they can easily go out and get rat faced if they so desire. What you say, do or threaten will make no difference. Your only hope is by having a reasonable debate one night on the subject and HOPE that at least some is absorbed.
One other point. Drink is by no means the only problem you may think you face. There are many others. Some, many times, worse. Its a time all responsible parents dread. I degree of freedom must be employed. You cant lock them up and think you are dont the right thing. They have to find out for themselves, as we all did, what is right and wrong.
Whether you agree or not is of little consequence, but we all did "our own things" when we were younger. You must now accept that it their turn to do the same.
However, good luck and you can extract a degree of comfort in the fact that it is literally only the odd one or two from many very millions that dont make through to the other side.
 
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WLeg

WLeg

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You're right....drink is the first of many of the teenage issues coming. Oh Joy.

Facebook - and others, I've banned (opendns.com), but open for short periods, under supervison (and knowledge of passwords).

I know how bad I was, and what I "got away with" ........

And tonight's issue, sleep over at friends house....with boys......
 

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I too have a daughter who is currently 10, and in some ways is going on 18 and in other ways is still her age. However, it often crosses my mind as to what she will want to do with her mates as they get older and start to think that drinking is "like so cool". :rolleyes:

Matt and I do enjoy a cheeky glass of red with meals and socially, which my daughter sees. We've on the very odd occasion offered her a sip but she refuses saying she doesn't like the smell:D . I'm hoping that this will be the same with all alcohol based stuff!;)

I think that I will mention to her now and again, the problems that life can bring with the effect of alcohol short and long term (and then lock her away for 10 years!).

I do now realise what my own parents must have worried about, although I've never been a drinker, however my younger sister was a nightmare!
 

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You often hear the expression - "I wish I was ****teen again"

Y'know what? I so do not wish I were that age again. The pressures that these young people are under is immense. Peer pressure, Parent pressure, Society pressure and Self pressure to name but a few. When I started out (of course, according to my kids I am ancient beyond belief) I could walk out of a job one day and into another the next. It did not matter that I did not wear the correct clothes/have the right phone (according to a guy at work, his teenage daughters have to even be on the right mobile phone network!)/listen to the right music/drink the correct drink (and don't even get me started on alcopops which in my opinion should be banned!)

Our two are now 28 and 25. Matt has given us 2 wonderful grandsons and Leanne is due to give us a grandchild later this year. Sure we had rocky times - but we talked. We insisted on mealtimes around a table most days and I really do think that was key in helping produce rounded individuals. We argued like hell at the table - but at least we were communicating! Two nicer people you could not wish to meet - I am so proud of them that my heart swells even as I am typing. :eek:

VeryTallDave summarised things very well. What will be will be - all you can do is set the best example possible, ensure they know you are there to talk to and respect them as people. Oh, and they may deny it but they like hugs :bannana:
 
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Gollom

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We've on the very odd occasion offered her a sip but she refuses saying she doesn't like the smell:D . I'm hoping that this will be the same with all alcohol based stuff!;)

Of course, this does not work now due to the availability of alcopops :mad:
 

V8mate

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You often hear the expression - "I wish I was ****teen again"

Y'know what? I so do not wish I were that age again. The pressures that these young people are under is immense. Peer pressure, Parent pressure, Society pressure and Self pressure to name but a few. When I started out (of course, according to my kids I am ancient beyond belief) I could walk out of a job one day and into another the next. It did not matter that I did not wear the correct clothes/have the right phone (according to a guy at work, his teenage daughters have to even be on the right mobile phone network!)/listen to the right music/drink the correct drink (and don't even get me started on alcopops which in my opinion should be banned!)

Our two are now 28 and 25. Matt has given us 2 wonderful grandsons and Leanne is due to give us a grandchild later this year. Sure we had rocky times - but we talked. We insisted on mealtimes around a table most days and I really do think that was key in helping produce rounded individuals. We argued like hell at the table - but at least we were communicating! Two nicer people you could not wish to meet - I am so proud of them that my heart swells even as I am typing. :eek:

VeryTallDave summarised things very well. What will be will be - all you can do is set the best example possible, ensure they know you are there to talk to and respect them as people. Oh, and they may deny it but they like hugs :bannana:


^^Word up^^
 

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I have no children so am in no position to comment, but I did do something relevant some years ago.

I smoke and I came upon a group of friends boys sneaking a crafty fag. They were between 12 and 14 years old and tried to hide the fact they had been smoking. So what I did was sit them down and had a talk about smoking from my own experience. Saying when I started smoking I tried for a few weeks then gave up, started again and tried to give up but it was much harder. The last time I tried to give up I had lost the willpower to do so and ended up a lifelong smoker. Then I mentioned my old Morris 1000 van and explained how I could afford a decent car on my wages if I was not spending X amount on cigarettes every week. I ended up by telling them they had a choice, smoke if you like but think of all the things you could have if you stop now and never start again.

To my great pleasure none of them (there were 4 of them) has smoked from that day and that was 30 years ago. Not sure if my little discussion had anything to do with them being non-smokers but I like to think I played a small part.
 

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If any one knows of the recommended book on parenting can they let me have a copy?

Meanwhiile I'm just making it up as I go along.

As for alcohol, our 13 (is he 14?) lad likes a drop of cider now and then. And we let him, i.e I will split a can with him and he accepts this. I will go on to have another can and not split it. He accepts this too. One night, maybe seeing how far he could go, he went upstairs (retiring for the night, TV, games for an hour as they do) and took a can of cider with him.

'No you don't, put that back and have a coke or some such'. No problem and never been mentioned since.

So I think I give a little slack and define the limits.

As for letting them get ar$ed and put them off it, I strongly disagree. Why don't they watch me get ar$ed and see if that puts them off it.:D:D

Youth is wasted on the young. :)
 

Mark300SL

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Its a real problem and one that you have very little control over. You may like to kid yourself you do, but you dont. When kids get to GCSE age they have so much freedom and for some, money at their disposal, they can easily go out and get rat faced if they so desire. What you say, do or threaten will make no difference. Your only hope is by having a reasonable debate one night on the subject and HOPE that at least some is absorbed.
One other point. Drink is by no means the only problem you may think you face.

I couldnt have put it better !

I have a son who didnt/wouldn't listen but has come through as a well adjusted 19yr old now

My 15 yr old daughter believes that she is an independant adult (until she needs money/picking up/dropping off
She was not allowed to go to a party finishing at 2.00am and involving boys quite a bit older and a load of alcohol ! Of course this meant that we were the wost parents in theo whole world and life was so unfair!

All this from an A* student catagorised as "gifted and talented" who academic progress is being monitored by Cambridge! She is not daft, but unfortunately neither is she fully streetwise !

I actually trust her not to go mad with drink - I dont trust teenage boys as i was one once :devil:

There are many others. Some, many times, worse. Its a time all responsible parents dread. I degree of freedom must be employed. You cant lock them up and think you are dont the right thing. They have to find out for themselves, as we all did, what is right and wrong.
Whether you agree or not is of little consequence, but we all did "our own things" when we were younger. You must now accept that it their turn to do the same.


However, good luck and you can extract a degree of comfort in the fact that it is literally only the odd one or two from many very millions that dont make through to the other side.

So many wise words of experience in one post !
 

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