The British - world's worst barbequers?

[neilrr]

How would I like my meat?

Edible? Cooked? Either of those would be good start. If there's a British BBQer who can manage that and fine tune it so it's rare, medium or well done I've yet to meet him.

Burnt on the outside, raw in the middle seem to be the most common offering. Less popular but still fairly common is the burnt on the outside, burnt on the inside option. Occaisionally the raw & raw platter appears. Those seem to be the three choices here. All usually come with a petroleum flavour as the standard condiment.

(Big sigh) It's that time of year again & when someone invites me to a BBQ I inwardly shudder, knowing that 95% of the time I'm at best coming home hungry, at worst with food poisoning.

I blame the weather. People here don't really get enough practice so they never master the art. It's the norm to have the barby hot enough to smelt steel with the consequent charcoal food as a result. Where the sunshines most of the time & people cook out a lot they can make pretty tasty food, but here? Forget it.

 

[Carrotchomper]

Hold your own barbeque then, as a bastion of good taste and better cuisine

Once the hoi polloi have sampled your offerings, they will raise their game in defiance!

 

[neilrr]

You're very senstive on the barby subject Carrot.

Have I touched a raw nerve here by any chance?

 

[chriswt]

I was taught by the professionals, my Cypriot father-in-law. In Cyprus if you can't cook on a BBQ you're sent to live in Northern Cyprus!!!

I must admit there is a skill to cooking on a BBQ which most people don't appreciate.

I'm planning on a Christmas BBQ this year.

BBQ Tip No. 1 – chuck some herbs on the hot coals before cooking and always have a few lemons ready to squeeze over the meat as it cooks.

 

[UnMarked]

Gas BBQ every time. No frills, no fuss, no "get the fire brigade here NOW" type statements when the accelerant spills over everything (or maybe it's the way I use them?) .

I cooked at Pammy's the other night on her gas BBQ for some of her friends and family (it's a 'man' thing for sure). No complaints, no food poisoning, no gas left the next day because I'd forgotten to switch it of and it had burnt away quite happily overnight....woops

 

[mattc]

I cooked at Pammy's the other night on her gas BBQ for some of her friends and family (it's a 'man' thing for sure). No complaints, no food poisoning, no gas left the next day because I'd forgotten to switch it of and it had burnt away quite happily overnight....woops

Glad to see you are doing your bit for global warming Mark . I know summer has been rubbish so far but are you not taking things a bit far using the BBQ as a heater

 

[UnMarked]

Glad to see you are doing your bit for global warming Mark . I know summer has been rubbish so far but are you not taking things a bit far using the BBQ as a heater

The slugs and snails seemed happy enough Matt

 

[WLeg]

I was told a simple analagy.......do it slow, keep it moist and don't get too hot..... - this from a South African...

 

[chriswt]

I was told a simple analagy.......do it slow, keep it moist and don't get too hot..... - this from a South African...

Oh there are so many jokes there...and that's just the Saff African ones!!!

 

[W210 Fan]

im with you Neilrr, its an outdated and rubbish way of cooking food when I have a great oven and hob at home, but a meal like this is a social event, I tend to just drink at BBQs, eating just puts lumps in the vomit!

 

[pammy]

Mark cooks wonderful BBQ food, better than me, coz he follows those rules - he doesn't cremate - hot enough but not fierce.

But I did think it was a bit OTT leaving it for the woldelife to use after we'd finished

 

[st4]

I do love a BBQ but in Scotland we don't get the sunshine...

 

[Satch]

How would I like my meat?

Edible? Cooked? Either of those would be good start. If there's a British BBQer who can manage that and fine tune it so it's rare, medium or well done I've yet to meet him.

Burnt on the outside, raw in the middle seem to be the most common offering. Less popular but still fairly common is the burnt on the outside, burnt on the inside option. Occaisionally the raw & raw platter appears. Those seem to be the three choices here. All usually come with a petroleum flavour as the standard condiment.

(Big sigh) It's that time of year again & when someone invites me to a BBQ I inwardly shudder, knowing that 95% of the time I'm at best coming home hungry, at worst with food poisoning.

I blame the weather. People here don't really get enough practice so they never master the art. It's the norm to have the barby hot enough to smelt steel with the consequent charcoal food as a result. Where the sunshines most of the time & people cook out a lot they can make pretty tasty food, but here? Forget it.

Sadly I agree and the average Brit. BBQ is an abomination because they know no better. We keep a close eye on the efforts of the food spoiler(s) when invited out. Some of the pathetic efforts we have experienced include.

Burnt on the outside (hint of petrochemical optional) and still frozen inside

Coated in some dense marinade which has burnt on and provides effective insulation.

Cooked on a gas BBQ where the lava rock had never been changed or rotated nor the metal grids cleaned so everying ended up with burnt BBQ residue tinge

The Napalm airstrike effect caused by excess fat

Pouring the marinade in which meat has been standing onto meat at the end of cooking process.

But my all time fave is this: the sight of my idiot brother in law crouched over a smoking pile of cheap brickettes, fire lighters and bits of wood trying to cook beefburgers in a frying pan.

Last weekend we were offered fat loaded sausages, nasty burgers and the kind of meat I would not give to my dogs all washed down with not very well chilled yellow nasty instant headache Oz. Chardonnay, ghastly Ribena substitute Cabernet Sauvignon, fizzy warm lager or tepid water. They wondered why we left so early. It was because we were hungry.

At our end things are very different because Mrs S is a professional caterer and we try. Yet when given slices of a butterflied leg of lamb which had been cooked with a herb, anchovy and black olive stuffing one of our guests asked if we had any BBQ sauce to go with it. Such perversions are not found in Schloß Satch. ( although others are )

 

[verytalldave]

The BBQ at Ollies GTG a month or so back was absolutely superb.
To say we are the worlds worst is perhaps a trifle OTT.
I doubt whether we would beat the average Aussie offering. But then we would excel if we went up against the Icelandics.
If I say so myself, my barbies have always gone down a treat with no complaints.

 

[Satch]

The BBQ at Ollies GTG a month or so back was absolutely superb.
To say we are the worlds worst is perhaps a trifle OTT.
I doubt whether we would beat the average Aussie offering. But then we would excel if we went up against the Icelandics.
If I say so myself, my barbies have always gone down a treat with no complaints.

Sadly not. I went to a stonking summer BBQ at an activity centre in Iceland and there is a general awareness of how to do it.

Although there are clear exception I really can think of no other country where food in general is done nearly so badly as the UK. The Brit. BBQ experience is just a carry over from the dismal standards of ordinary food I think

 

[crockers]

If I say so myself, my barbies have always gone down a treat with no complaints.

Is that because there are no survivors??

 

[W210 Fan]

Crockers are you calling Dave a cannibal?

"im having an old friend over for dinner"

 

[sweeney]

now that the real cost of BBQ equipment has come down and coupled with the cheaper foodstuffs now available surely it's a case that more people can now afford BBQ's and the result is invevitably..less wheat and more chav in your sausage....

as someone once said, you can't polish a cheap burger

http://www.visit4info.com/embed.cfm?id=33749

 

[st4]

You could always buy posher burgers to cook, or even make them yourself

Nout beats a "good" BBQ. We had an works summer party (Belfast office so I duly tagged along in one of my visits) and it was ace. Yes there was a cheesy disco and more drink than you could through @ Diageo, but the chicken and burgers were magic. It was a gas BBQ and we had a proper chef.

 

[dougal74]

I was told a simple analagy.......do it slow, keep it moist and don't get too hot.....

Not quite true as you need to seal the meat on the outside in order to keep it moist. But you are right stage 2 should be slow, higher away from the coals and with something on hand to baste the meat if it is getting too hot (ermm...what is to hand?...oooh cold beer!)

Note to self - pleased that I managed to refrain from any innuendo or Saffa jokes.