Warning! Distressing subject. Loss

[Deleted member 149005]

You haven’t failed - try to banish those thoughts.

 

[AMGeed]

Difficult to know what to say other than keep your head up, don't give in, and hopefully a better job isn't far away.
And as said above,things outside your control doesn't mean you have failed.

 

[Flyinspanner]

@Athey, you haven’t failed at all.

your brothers have behaved badly - not your doing, fault or responsibility.

Your work have possibly betrayed you, (why don’t they use the govt furlough scheme, and explore other options to save the workforce (all go temporarily part time, or temp wage reduction,)
Again, not of your doing and again no blame on you.

(I’m in the same boat working for BA, looks like I’ve got 2 weeks left before being made redundant) - so I’m feeling your pain there.

Its a time currently, but don’t let it overwhelm you looking at it all at once - focus on one step at a time.

Take it day by day, and remember to be kind to yourself.
it’s not your fault, but you will endure and go on

 

[John]

Yes, you haven't failed at all and by thinking that, you will begin to make those thoughts a reality.

As above, you've been screwed over by your family and losing your job as well - none of these are in your control.

Fight it out and persist no matter how hard it seems.

You will get through it.

 

[Athey]

Thanks for the kind comments. I have failed, but i can hold my head high in mums presence knowing I went down fighting to do the right thing.
As for work, building sites are starting to open and being experienced, shouldn’t be long before I’m on site. In the meantime, will shovel sh1t for a wage if a jobs offered.
sooner or later I’ll no doubt see the light at the end of the tunnel, and being rock bottom should mean that the only way is up.

 

[Bellow]

Hang in there.
You haven't failed - your brothers have failed you. Very few have total control over their work situation - especially just now. Just have to ride that one out and see what appears. Hopefully a good outcome and soon.

Focus on what you need. You can come back to thinking about your mother more when you are a bit more on top of things. I'm not saying 'forget her' (as if that is even possible) but focusing more on what you need is right for now. The better that turns out, the more positive will be your view regarding honouring your mother. I think what I'm trying to say is don't be making decisions for two when right now they only need to be made for one - you.

Genuinely sorry to hear you are having such a tough time of it but it will pass. No evil lasts for long. Hang in there.

 

[Deleted member 149005]

In a similiary difficult changes I remember the saying

It will be all right in the end - if it isn't all right, it isn't the end...

 

[Gollom]

Thanks for the kind comments. I have failed, but i can hold my head high in mums presence knowing I went down fighting to do the right thing.
As for work, building sites are starting to open and being experienced, shouldn’t be long before I’m on site. In the meantime, will shovel sh1t for a wage if a jobs offered.
sooner or later I’ll no doubt see the light at the end of the tunnel, and being rock bottom should mean that the only way is up.

I'll keep my ears open for jobs in the area

 

[219]

My mum died a couple of weeks ago after a fall at home. She was chirpy after an op to fix her leg, but deteriorated that night. She had other things wrong with her and was told by the registrar there was nothing more they could do. She died peacefully surrounded by me and my brothers. Before she died she made us all promise 2 things. One, we shared everything equally and two, we stuck together as brothers. We got together as we always do when there is trouble and gave her the most beautiful send off with all the family present. To say I’m devastated is an understatement , but then to find out my mums accounts and all her cash and valuables gone and my brothers have killed their landline and mobile numbers has left me reeling with shock. If greed is what they want, keep the money, but I’m hurt that they promised her dying wishes only to betray her.
Why?????

So sorry to hear about your mum ; perhaps some small comfort that it sounds like it all happened very quickly , so no prolonged period of suffering . I lost my mum just under 2 years ago so it is still fresh in my mind .

As for the material stuff and the betrayal - you can choose your friends ....

 

[219]

Sorry for your loss.

Do you have any family or mutual friends who may be able to speak with them for you and explain to them how this has left you feeling?

Not sure where you stand legally if the have helped themselves to the estate but I’d get some legal advise ASAP.

If they have cut you off completely you may as well go after what is rightfully yours.

Remember you have plenty of friends on here who will help you.

Indeed : if there was a will , then the estate should be divided according to it ; if she died intestate then the estate ( after funeral costs etc have been deducted ) should be divided equally between you and your brothers ( assuming you are the only heirs ) .

Either way , you can challenge this legally . Even if it is just to make a point . Was there a house to be sold ?

 

[219]

Condolences for the loss of your mother. Mine died suddenly at the age of 94 just over a year ago and once I got over the shock of her death discovered she had changed her will about 2 months before she died ( using her solicitor who had worked for her for over 40 years ) and left her not insubstantial estate split equally between myself and two sisters . Apparently my youngest sister had been left 90% in the previous will so I was not surprised when she decided to try challenge the will. Like your siblings she cut off all contact and so over a year later we are still not able to finalise her estate as she has until very recently refused to communicate with either the solicitor who my mother appointed as executor or even the one she instructed to challenge the will. For many family members money is more important than family ties.
I also advise you to take legal advice, remember your mother wanted you all to share her estate and while you may feel the financial aspect is not important what has happened since her death is not what she would have wanted. Your trust and previous relationships with your brothers cannot be recovered however much you might like to turn the clock back so do not let them treat you without respect , I wish you luck whatever you decide

Indeed , to echo what Smart320 said ; what your brothers have done is to disrespect your mother's wishes , so challenging them legally could be viewed as sticking up for , and enforcing , your mother's wishes , not getting something for yourself .

 

[219]

I’ve failed! Not been on for a while, as had all this to deal with, and now to add insult, I’ve been made redundant. Talk about things coming in threes.
It’s been a very hard nearly 4 months now and it’s taken a huge toll on both my physical and mental health. Still in a very dark place and finding it hard to just get through the day.
Now the race begins to find work asap, I am 8 weeks ahead on my rent and just paid the water bill for the year.
My biggest worry is the car, as I don’t want to lose it. I will speak to finance company to get a 3 month break in my payments and all being well I should be working by then. If I get work till Xmas and throw everything at it I can pay it off by then. Just spent nearly a k on it buying new back tyres, rear suspension springs, new subframe bushes and a new brake servo, and I can’t afford to lose 9k if I hand it back, and as my mum helped me get the Lexus which I px’d towards it, it holds a lot of sentimental value.
Ive lost my mum and my brothers, and my job, think that’s enough to lose, and the plan is to restore the car in memory of mum.
For those who have lost family recently, my heart goes out to you and I do know some of the emotions you are feeling.
Anyway, thought I’d let you know I’m still around but won’t be active on here much for a while.
Gary

Athey , apologies that I'm only reading this thread now , and have commented ( late ) above to some of your earlier posts .

Besides wishing to express my condolences re your mum , and agreeing with the others what absolute sh!ts I believe your brothers have been ( please forgive the language ) I am so sorry to hear that you have now been dealt a bad hand re your job .

The one thought I have from that , though , is there may be an upside !

Perhaps , now that you aren't working , you might qualify for legal aid to go after your brothers in this matter ? For sure you could do with your rightful share of your mum's estate right now .

As has been said many times above , please seek legal advice ; I am no lawyer , and indeed the law south of the border regarding such matters is in some ways different to here in Scotland , but you may be able to get help with it just now ?

It can't hurt to make enquiries .

 

[Bobby Dazzler]

It sounds like you’ve been having a really, really rough time. Whilst what has happened so far has been outside of your control, what happens next is absolutely within your control.

You clearly have a hard-working attitude and that will definitely help get you leap the next hurdle, however it’s really, really important that you try to shake-off these feeling of failure.

You have not failed, but if you continue feeling that way, and stay in a dark place, then you may miss or not take full advantage of a great opportunity just around the corner.

Much easier said than done, but choose to do things differently. If you do things differently then you’ll think and feel differently, and you’ll steadily pull yourself up and forwards.

It sounds like you’re about to take control of your work situation, so embrace that energy and use this as your opportunity to free yourself from what has gone before.

We all have difficult times - some more than others - but we all go through similar things during the course of our lives, so you’re not the only one and you’re definitely not alone.

Whether it’s MBClub, your friends, your old or future workmates, we’re all here to help. It’s what humans do. Others will help you just as you have helped - and will help - them.

Wishing you the very, very best, and remember, as difficult as it may be to do, choose to do small things differently, and one day you’ll be surprised how far you’ve come.

 

[Athey]

Again, thank you all for the kind comments. I have good and bad news.
I found out last night, a close cousin of mine died 3 weeks ago due to alcoholism, and spent most of the night in tears. Her sister and my uncle were only told a couple of days ago, and it hurts also the fact I can’t see or hug them yet.
The good news is I had a call from an employment agency this afternoon offering me a start in a warehouse on Monday picking and packing for which I am grateful for. It’s only minimum wage, but it’s work and should keep my mind occupied during the day until I can get back on site doing what I do best.
At the moment, I feel like the ball in a pinball machine; only instead of hitting columns that go ding ding, I’m being bounced between concrete pillars at high speed.
As for mums money, I’ve always said that they can keep it, and it is evil what my brothers have done, but I honestly don’t think I could cope with fighting through court.
How do I cope day to day some of you may ask yourselves, my answer is I don’t know. If it wasn’t for my wife and kids I’d have taken my own life, but I’m still here fighting more for them than myself.
As said, opportunities will arise and at some point I will emerge from this darkness and be even better as a person as I am now.

 

[Deleted member 37751]

How do I cope day to day some of you may ask yourselves, my answer is I don’t know. If it wasn’t for my wife and kids I’d have taken my own life, but I’m still here fighting more for them than myself.
As said, opportunities will arise and at some point I will emerge from this darkness and be even better as a person as I am now.

As someone who has recently suffered two different people’s suicides - don’t think for one second that the pain goes away if you take your own life, you just pass it on to those left behind.

It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

[french]

Hey Brother, time is a healer, lot my little sister early March....it eases ,plus we have a great bunch of guys here all willing,wanting to listen and help where possible.Good luck my friend.

 

[John]

Hey Brother, time is a healer, lot my little sister early March....

Sorry to read that chap...

 

[Athey]

Hi all, another month has passed, and though I’m still in the dark night of my soul, I’m beginning to see the faintest light of dawn on the horizon.
Thankfully, im still working, and have just had news of a site starting at the end of the month so am pushing hard to get a place on it. The extra cash will be a welcome boost as these past 5 months have decimated our finances, but have managed to keep up the payments on the car and credit cards without taking a 3 month break. If I get on site, the money I will earn between now and the end of the year should put me in a position to pay off the finance and a huge chunk off the credit cards.
It’s been the hardest year of all, and I’m having to dig in places I never knew I had to keep it together, and yes it has done a lot of damage and it hurts to my absolute core, but I’m still fighting.

 

[flying haggis]

sorry for your loss. as others have said get legal advice. you are entitled by law to a fair share. lawyers may take a chunk but converesly they will also take a chunk from your brothers money as well, which will be a double blow to them as they will have even less

 

[Athey]

Hi all, first of all, i hope you had a good xmas and new year.
Havent been on here for months so thought i would give you an update.
Not long after i was last on here, the upset turned into anger at what my brothers did and i sent my youngest brothers in-laws a letter explaining what he did and i let out a secret he had kept from them and his wife for years. A couple of weeks later i received a nasty letter from his solicitors threatening legal action and so i went to the police and told them everything. As i cannot prove beyond all reasonable doubt about all my mums cash, they said they would not be able to do anything, so i have had to just let it go.( not that im bothered about the money, i have said that from day 1 and still say that now, but i do want some payback for what they did).
Death was not done with me, and i sadly lost my dad suddenly in october. he was 82. I told my stepmother i didnt want my brothers at my dads funeral, as none of them had bothered with him in years but she invited them anyway. None of us spoke as it was dads day and all differences had to be put aside for dad, and he had a nice send off.
I have paid tribute to my mum on here, and now for my dad.
My dad spent 12 years in the Royal Navy as a submariner, and served aboard the HMS Alliance. He spent time in Malta, Greece, and his favourite place was Gibraltar. He too was a family man, who worked long hours to provide for us all, and loved to tell us stories about his naval life, and always spoke with pride about his exploits. The last time i saw him, his last words almost mirrored my mums last words, and i take comfort that i was obviously loved by both of them. When the current restrictions ease enough, we will be going to Gosport to spread his ashes at sea, near to the Alliance.
As for me, the passing of dad as well has put me back a lot in myself, and really felt it over xmas, but whats left of my family have been a great help to me. I am back on site, and recently passed my SMSTS, which is a big qualification as im hoping for one of the site managers to mentor me as i slowly work my way up to site management.
2020 was a horrible year for us all, and this year hasnt started well with a new lockdown, but im now starting to realise that i now need to not let the pain control me and live in despair, but to start to look at the future and how to live a life that not only pays tribute to my parents, but also one that will bring new light and happiness in my life.
I am going to bring this thread to an end by saying that our departed ones are always in our hearts and are just a thought away. For me, i had to tell you all what has happened, and pray that no one else goes through what i have.
To new beginnings. Gary.