Weed

[Niks]

I had a lot of former friends in uni who always spent majority of times getting stoned, **** faced on booze and usually having attitude problems which would get them into all sorts of crap. The saddest part of it was half of them had so much potential to do really well, now they themselves are literally wasted. I ended up leaving them and moving onto a better friend circle.

Whats always kept me away from smoking, getting plastered and so on is that I have always had something else to keep my mind occupied with. Try spending more time with him, get engaged in outdoor activities like cycling, mountain biking, camping, trekking, hiking, have inspiring conversations about people who have inspired and changed the world. These are all the positive energy things which he could end up seeing things in a more positive light, then hopefully on him coming off the stuff through his own realisation.

Just a thought.

 

[Bellow]

What he needed...

get engaged in outdoor activities like cycling, mountain biking, camping, trekking, hiking, have inspiring conversations about people who have inspired and changed the world. These are all the positive energy things which he could end up seeing things in a more positive light,

And what he got..

He's a charming chap, who has punched me in front of the lad (he was7 then), and while nice as pie when things are going his way, he cannot control his emotions, and the slightest thing will set him off...

This all he learned

It was difficult to take note of this - until we saw it in person. Eyes wide open, panting, pacing, really genuinely losing it. I got it under control by getting him to sit down - otherwise he would have lost it.

Is he feeling bad about this?

as his dad's marriage broke up and he works nights.

There's lots more going on here than just weed.

 

[davidjpowell]

The lad has issues, and the schools theory is that the drugs are exacerbating these.

He's seeing a counsellor and getting help, although the mind stuff is a bit beyond me to be honest. He has no memory of when he freaked out and denied vehemently that it happened. This is in line with events at school.

Unfortunately there's lots more that we now know about when at his Dad's which we not aware of at the time. There is not much we can do about that, but try and provide the same stable background with the same standards that we always have.

I've had to soften my line in some areas. Smoking fags is one of these. An area that I really do not like, and one where I refuse to actually provide cash for the habit, but ultimately bigger and more important areas to concentrate on. I do think that the different standards between us and his dad (who has no standards) have not helped, but short of taking them away what can you do?!

 

[Bellow]

I'll excuse cribbing from the More Jokes thread as 'many a true word spoken in jest' when I quote SPX: ''When the only tool you possess is a hammer, all problems start to look like nails''.
My point is, that at a time he really needed to learn different strategies for coping with life's pressures he got his father's 'just lash out' tuition instead - and now you are left to make sense of it. I think this, and any issues of guilt he may have re his father's (second?) marriage breakup, are probably more relevant than the weed though at such a young age, I doubt it's helping.

Broadly in agreement with the thread's suggestions, and your dealing with it. My thoughts are don't make the weed too much of an issue (you seem not to be) and just be decent and supportive and win the lad around.
My aunt had recent similar worries with her grandson. None now he has found the college course he wanted. Just took him a bit longer than some others.

 

[davidjpowell]

Awkward Conversation tonight. One I had on the reverse recently also.

Knock on the door from a neighbour, who I also know professionally.

Just discovered his son is smoking weed. Him and step-son have recently struck up a friendship, but it seems like the other lads been going downhill at his (different) school before then. We were told the other day that he smoked weed, and I had not yet taken a decision as to what the hell to do about that knowledge.

Not sure what led the neighbour to our door, but an awkward conversation all round.

It's a nasty world out there.

 

[Beetnik]

Need to tackle the issues, weed's a symptom not the cause.

 

[Darrell]

I never got into the drugs thing at all. One or 2 of my mates tried it when we were in our late teens but they grew out of it in a year or two.

In most of our local bars and pubs you couldn't get in the toilet due to the hordes of guys all wanting to snort something or other, so it was always around.

I think me and my mates preffered a good booze and a good laugh instead. My main poblem was booze and women (cards on the table time), it did really screw me up, even until my mid thirties. I never boozed during the day but come the night and especially at the weekends it was a mass 2 day bender and any woman was worth a chase. It screwed up a number of my relationships.

My wife was heavily into the puff. It was before she met me, she wasn't addicted and mostly (if not totally) down to peer pressure, being weak and the 'if you can't beat them join' them attitude.

She hasn't had a joint since she first met me (1999).

For the record, I am now 44 with very middle class parents brought up in a good home, not spoilt but we had nice things and a happy loving childhood. Oddly enough my brother (41) and my sister (38) didn't do the drug thing despite both going to Uni away from home.

 

[WesLangdon]

The young people who have not tried dope are the oddballs not the norm. Parents splitting up is fairly normal too though not ideal for young people either, most will take risks and try things out and this too is normal teenage development, difficult though it is, try not to worry too much, with a loving family to guide him he won't go far wrong.

 

[Sp!ke]

The young people who have not tried dope are the oddballs not the norm.

I'm glad someone finally said that.

 

[Merco]

Hi David -

As has been said - weed is a symptom of the problems usually, not always the cause. What the research tells us is that some individuals have a predisposition to certain mental health issues which become excaerbated by cannabis use - issues which can be triggered by significant life events or indeed can lie dormant. For others, cannabis can be no barrier to efficacy in the workplace or daily functioning. It is a continuum and difficult to know where you might be placed until it is too late in some cases.

There are a couple of useful agencies in the Doncaster area you might want to get in touch with who have experience of family counselling and tackling these sorts of issues but your step-son is going to have to recognise there is a problem before he goes there. I guess the first thing for him to ask himself is - 'is he happy?' Then, is he getting the things out of his life that he wanted to and can he see his life going in the direction he had planned a year ago? Does he have people that he can trust with his most personal problems? I'm sure you're sensitive to this already, but it may well be that he does not want to burden his mother, doesn't feel you would understand and can't rely on his father. His peers are judgmental and escapist as they tend to be at that age and he is feeling a little isolated. Of course, this is purely speculative but some exploratory work might benefit him so even though he is attending counselling, don't despair if it doesn't work. There are many different 'approaches' to counselling - lots of different types - and if he is attending a CBT-type counsellor, this may have more of a behavioural/ problem solving focus which might not necessarily be what he needs at this stage. Similarly, a psychodynamic approach might not be useful as it is a little non-directive. But some agencies specialise in this sort of thing. The following contact details may or may not be useful to you but I am sticking them down just in case and wish you all the best with it.

Children & Young People's Counselling

Youth Access

Jigsaw, Doncaster, South Yorkshire, DN1 2PH - Contact Details | iSouth Yorkshire

 

[Merco]

dual post -sorry

 

[grober]

One thing to be aware of is that you may be part of the problem [not intentionally of course!] You are the "other man" in his mother's life and as such may not be the best person to help him directly. I sense you are aware of this possibility already? Best to leave any intervention/therapy to a neutral third party who is experienced in this sort of situation. You can certainly help by facilitating/initiating such interaction but it may actually be helpful for you personally to take a back seat on this one?

 

[davidjpowell]

Thanks all. I'm satisfied he's getting the help that he needs, (which being realistic is not from me), and the will to stop has to come from him.

A few more things came out last night, most of which had more implications for next door lad thankfully. His parents had a shock I think - he's pushed more boundaries than our lad, and all in one go.

It did turn out that they had all visited a dealer together however. Not impressed at a 50 year old woman selling drugs to school kids. Lad resisted handing over her contact details, however old fashioned draconion tactics mean that I know the number and will be reporting it to via Crimestoppers.

Lad is now a bit happier and life as normal as it gets..

 

[Beetnik]

Lad resisted handing over her contact details, however old fashioned draconion tactics mean that I know the number and will be reporting it to via Crimestoppers...

that's likely to be -1 in the trust stakes.

 

[renault12ts]

Trust is a word people apply to their children far too easily...and suffer the consequences.

It is naive in the extreme to place blind trust in your little angels...because they aren't.

Pay lip service when speaking to them...but DO NOT trust them.

 

[davidjpowell]

that's likely to be -1 in the trust stakes.

So be it - Don't really agree though. He knew what I intended to do with the number, that's why he resisted.

 

[davidjpowell]

Time to update this thread a little I suppose. Lad (now 16) had a college course sorted for September, and went away with his mates to Cornwall for a week. He discovered from FB that he'd been trying some other stuff while down there. He was already on a 'final warning', so he's been living with his dad. More on that shortly.

What I hate (and I really do mean hate) is the lying. I can cope with most things but the deceit really does get to me. I need to get over that, but am not really sure how.

We were at the out-laws for the weekend, and as his dad has gone to visit his girlfriend in the Ukraine, lad has come back to us - He's not really trusted at his dads with no supervision. We now know why.

His dad shortly before going was beaten up quite severely. We've seen the photo's and he has stitches from the top of his nose down to the back of his head due to be hit over the head. Nasty nasty stuff. We were told that this happened while out and about.

I got on the train last night, and opened the facebook app, to discover lad had not signed out when he used my Ipad. Looking through it became evident that the beating up had occurred at home. It seems that 3 blokes got in, turned the power off, went to town on his dad, who made it into lads room and managed to keep them out. House was ransacked. The three blokes had a club, and a shotgun.

It seems dad, unbelievably had decided to convert two rooms into a green house. That he'd do this with a 16 year old (with problems in this way already), in the house is frankly appalling. He's clearly got way in over his head, in what is a rather seedy world.

So lad is now back with us. I can't see us ever sending him back to live with his Dad, with such parenting skills.

I'm not sure what to do about any of this at present. I've confirmed enough of the facts to know that it's true. I'm tempted to speak to crime-stoppers, but for the step-lad.

It's all a bit of a mess

 

[renault12ts]

Crimestoppers has to be the way. If the "green house" is discovered by the police...it may end an unsavoury situation for all concerned.

 

[davidjpowell]

I understand that the 'stock' of the 'green house' vanished during the assault and it's no longer in place.

I'd hope that the dad is not stupid enough to get involved again, but fear that he's got himself in a world of trouble. My main concern is keeping the stupid lad out of it.

 

[martyz]

I do think the police need to be aware of what's been going on,agree that crimestoppers is probably the safest approach.You will certainly have your work cut out getting the lad on track.good luck and I hope one day the young man appreciates what you have done for him.