Corporate BS

[grober]

I prefer the shorter pithy message. It takes less time to read before you burst out laughing! e.g. modest but firmly aspirational at the same time


We will become pure energy and ascend to a higher plane of consciousness

Or possibly something with a hint of Eastern Mysticism

If a tree falls in the forest-----------should Human Resources be informed?

 

[snoop51]

Personally, I am puzzled as to why you found this email negative?

Clearly, the author of the email was, going forward, seeking to facilitate full stakeholder engagement with key-player synergy leveraged across the entire operational paradigm. All he wanted from you was definitive, emergent buy-in at 150% so that he could take the B2B model and blue-sky it. Being pro-active and virtualising your role as a fulcrum player would have delivered a more granular customer facing experience with zero-deviation precision focus.

What is your problem with that?

Never having worked in a large corporation or ever "Got" The Office. WTF. Translation please into plain English

 

[finisterre]

translation

There is an I in team, that's me, work or die.


probably

 

[Palfrem]

snoop

That's the joke.

A lot of these guys just pepper every "motivational opportunity" with BS

It's completely meaningless - they think it makes them sound good.

 

[Palfrem]

This is integral to squaring the circle of measurable value within the content funded arena

We need to add some bandwidth to the company by recruiting these people

We’re not cutting back, we’re shortening the path to profitability

Let's throw some bodies in the genius-storming room to power-solve this bad boy until they're sweating like cheap hookers in suits

This needs some approximate reasoning for real-time probabilistic processes

We need to be eating our own dog food if the product is going to succeed

We're gonna have to come up with a way to make the bun fit the hotdog

Can we pool our brainspaces in a centre of excellence?

What we need is a re-engineered motivational hub

Our recent recruitment has raised the DNA profile of the business

By not harnessing interactive deliverables, it is virtually impossible to monetize compelling ROI

Let's get a diaper on this toddler before he starts to walk

Let's not climb out of the trenches with our thinking trousers round our ankles

This is an ongoing parallel discussion

The available profit pools are substantial and competition fierce Our linear hierarchy has changed dramatically.

There will obviously be some lateral overlaps of responsibilities that won't cause shrinkage detrimental to service delivery

I just need to communicate that out to you [ie. 'I just need to tell you something']

If we are going to deliver quick wins, we are going to work horizontally to find synergies with strategic partnerships

We'd better not let the grass grow too long on this one

Lets squeeze the juice out of these oranges

There is just something I'd like to pop into your percolator, see if it comes out brown

Let's shake the biscuit barrel of ideas and see what crumbs fall out

Let's not try to boil the ocean on this one

Lets build a strategic beachead on this one

 

[finisterre]

My friend works for EDS......

Do they enjoy the productivity?
Did they work on the CSA contract, or the Inland Revenue fiasco?
What about that hard drive, is it in your friend's golf bag?

Sorry, your mate may be great but the company has cost the taxpayer hundreds of millions and left large numbers of vulnerable people with small children in a financial limbo.

If you doubt me look up Public Accounts Committee - EDS + NAO

 

[finisterre]

Here is a sample

Although the project is already 18 months late and over £1bn over budget, permanent under secretary of state for defence Sir Bill Jeffrey said that the MoD was already reaping benefits from the new IT systems and that the first part of the project would be completed by January.

Speaking to the Public Accounts Committee in response to a critical NAO report on the project, Sir Bill said that initially the project went well. The NAO report details how the plans by the Atlas Consortium, led by EDS, immediately encountered problems because no two IT systems are the same.

So the (initially £4.5 billion) plan failed to notice the systems were different?
Is there a laughing like a drain smiley?

 

[corned]

Now you know why one of my all-time favourite cartoon characters is Dilbert.

I WAS Dilbert. I had a pointy-haired boss.

My favourite strip - which I had taped to my desk for all to see. I have actually lived this:

 

[corned]

Holy Shyate, so in 1999 it must have been D1ck Brown, or as his emails said from 'Brown, D1ck'.


Action, urgency, excellence! LOL

It was Troy Todd, a former colleague of Brown's, who was hired out of retirement at the grand old age of 70 to fill a role that was effectively created for him.

EDS taps former C&W exec - CNET News

As MOCAS rightly 'outs', it was Troy W. Todd, or "T.W.(a).T." as we called him. Brown D1ck's right-hand man.

"Action, urgency, excellence" - I had forgotten that! Thanks a bunch for reminding me!

Lol!

We always used to refer to that slogan as "Mirror, signal, manoeuvre", or "Inaction, indifference, incompetence". Oh, the memories.

 

[Bobby Dazzler]

Although HP seems to be the dominant partner, good to see something of EDS's legacy remains.

Got to go, got a daily status update but by CONFERENCE CALL at 1400...

 

[markjay]

 

[Simon_M]

Here is a sample

Although the project is already 18 months late and over £1bn over budget, permanent under secretary of state for defence Sir Bill Jeffrey said that the MoD was already reaping benefits from the new IT systems and that the first part of the project would be completed by January.

Speaking to the Public Accounts Committee in response to a critical NAO report on the project, Sir Bill said that initially the project went well. The NAO report details how the plans by the Atlas Consortium, led by EDS, immediately encountered problems because no two IT systems are the same.

So the (initially £4.5 billion) plan failed to notice the systems were different?
Is there a laughing like a drain smiley?

I am not sticking up for EDS, but it is standard for government contracts. The 'consultancies' and 'IT providers' are far too savvy and get contracts signed protecting them. The public sector employ so much dead wood who will not make decisions that the 'consultancies' wow them with speil and 'IT Providers' sting them with constant change requests at inflated prices. The initial bid was no doubt won by the cheapest offering, if cheapest was always best we would all be driving Kias.

This is not just EDS, every 'big' firm be it Accenture, Fujitsu, Steria, Infosys, Wipro and the thousands of others all work the same way.

I may have been involved in one of the projects you mention. I actually had a senior figure say to me "we have people on the ground who cannot actually read or write - they need to be able to use this expenses system". I said that it may be slightly beyond the scope of the vanilla* installation of the application they wanted (with a smile) LOL.

* sorry for the BS lingo

If you went into a car dealership and said "I have got 40k to spend and I want a car" I could guarantee you you will leave having spent at least all the 40k and have bought all the useless junk like payment protection, supaguard, tyre insurance and a bag full of turnips. It's just the same.

S

 

[saorbust]

Hp on Dilbert.com

Enjoy...

 

[finisterre]

I used to be a geek. (systems integration/security)

I know who is responsible, both sides are culpable, still the people pushing the system have a moral responsibility to society as well as the shareholders.

I would kill sack them all.

Being smarter than the opposition does not make you deserving of the taxpayers shirt. In the end the 'services' providers are the losers. It is now a fact that government procurement is incompetent and all systems over £400m were put on hold by the condems in response. IT jobs are now thinner on the ground because of the likes of EDS.


Anyway I jacked it in ten years ago, I couldn't be doing with the bul!****.

 

[artyman]

It was much the same in banking, people promoted to their level of incompetence, and this was over twenty years ago, look where it led!

 

[trapperjohn]

Q. How many HRO's does it take to change a light bulb?

B. None. No one in HR can change a light bulb but they would like to be involved in the partnership.