- Joined
- Mar 22, 2017
- Messages
- 5,836
- Car
- GLB 220D 4Matic P+
Today’s Topic: WIND
Preparation is the Key:
The night before your intended journey it pays to take note of any Weather Conditions published on the TV, pictures are often used and the BBC (Other Weather Stations are available) do SOMETIMES correctly forecast the next Days Weather.
On awakening the next morning and partaking of your daily ablutions, make sure that all you have ever gleaned or learnt through experience about driving your or, any other vehicle, is deposited in the same place as your morning bodily functions, if you have use of a paper shredder then this can be used in order to dispose of the unused copies of the Highway Code that you may have in your possession.
Testing:
Look out of the nearest window OR open a door, take note, if any bushes/trees in the local are trying to lie horizontally, OR, there appears to be a loud roaring noise, AND/OR the contents of your wheelie bin are whirling around your Front or Back Door!
Conclusion = It’s WINDY!
Get Kitted Out:
Please ensure that you have sufficient Winter Clothing ON.
Over your usual attire, place a jacket with a hood, over that a padded jacket, a woolly hat with large bobble on top on your head and then cover that with the aforementioned hood, a pair of gloves or mittens should be used as they assist in the next section of this tutorial. The use of a scarf is optional, as this may inhibit your enjoyment of the Coffee/Tea and Bacon Butty on your drive to work!
The Vehicle:
Get in as you normally do, but please ensure that your lights, indicators, mirrors and windscreen wiper controls are unavailable for use, your gloves/mittens and hood will also assist you here.
Driving Off:
Taking particular care NOT to look L or R, pull out into the flow of traffic, the blaring of horns, flashing lights and waving of hands of the other road users around you are meant as accolades and compliments to your driving technique. Please DON’T take this as a good opportunity to pat yourself on the back, the time taken to disrobe may cause chaos and serious hold ups in your area.
Notes for Particular Vehicle Types:
Articulated HGV’s, Dual Carriageways:
If, or when buffeted by gusts of wind that cause the heavily laden Trailer to push the Cab from left to right and straddle both lanes, don’t on ANY account, SLOW DOWN, slowing down would, in essence, allow the driver in the vehicle next to you NOT to feign the effects of an oncoming Heart Attack, scream for their Mummy and/or reach for the NON existent “Collective Lever” (The thing wot helicopters use in order to leave the surface if the Planet) and/or, try to crash through the central reservation barrier to escape the possibility of your Trailer damaging their paintwork!
Vans: (Many Colours Available)
If, or when buffeted by gusts of wind that cause your bodywork to vibrate, please STOMP on the BRAKE PEDAL, (That’s the one in the Middle), the stomping should if at all possible coincide with the exact frequency of the gusts of wind. This will ensure that those following behind that DON’T have fully calibrated Crystal Balls installed on their Dash WON’T have a (insert appropriate expletive here) clue as to what you are doing!
Small Hot Hatches:
If, or when buffeted by gusts of wind and you approach two lanes of slower moving traffic, please do use the universal sign that the other vehicles in front are holding you up: Snake from side to side, while making a “O” using you forefinger and thumb while moving your hand up and down trying to attract the driver in fronts attention! Other methods are also available, i.e., Drive as close as possible to the vehicle in front, this can be calibrated in either mm or thou, (depending on your age and year of Education), push/barge your way into the other lane and inner/overtake the slower vehicles. Please be aware that when this option is selected the built in “Human Reaction” in the other vehicle drivers will be activated instantly, this “Reaction” will, in most cases, make sure that the manoeuvre you are attempting will be thwarted 100%.
Topic coming up: Driving in Mist. (We haven’t experienced FOG in Years).
Preparation is the Key:
The night before your intended journey it pays to take note of any Weather Conditions published on the TV, pictures are often used and the BBC (Other Weather Stations are available) do SOMETIMES correctly forecast the next Days Weather.
On awakening the next morning and partaking of your daily ablutions, make sure that all you have ever gleaned or learnt through experience about driving your or, any other vehicle, is deposited in the same place as your morning bodily functions, if you have use of a paper shredder then this can be used in order to dispose of the unused copies of the Highway Code that you may have in your possession.
Testing:
Look out of the nearest window OR open a door, take note, if any bushes/trees in the local are trying to lie horizontally, OR, there appears to be a loud roaring noise, AND/OR the contents of your wheelie bin are whirling around your Front or Back Door!
Conclusion = It’s WINDY!
Get Kitted Out:
Please ensure that you have sufficient Winter Clothing ON.
Over your usual attire, place a jacket with a hood, over that a padded jacket, a woolly hat with large bobble on top on your head and then cover that with the aforementioned hood, a pair of gloves or mittens should be used as they assist in the next section of this tutorial. The use of a scarf is optional, as this may inhibit your enjoyment of the Coffee/Tea and Bacon Butty on your drive to work!
The Vehicle:
Get in as you normally do, but please ensure that your lights, indicators, mirrors and windscreen wiper controls are unavailable for use, your gloves/mittens and hood will also assist you here.
Driving Off:
Taking particular care NOT to look L or R, pull out into the flow of traffic, the blaring of horns, flashing lights and waving of hands of the other road users around you are meant as accolades and compliments to your driving technique. Please DON’T take this as a good opportunity to pat yourself on the back, the time taken to disrobe may cause chaos and serious hold ups in your area.
Notes for Particular Vehicle Types:
Articulated HGV’s, Dual Carriageways:
If, or when buffeted by gusts of wind that cause the heavily laden Trailer to push the Cab from left to right and straddle both lanes, don’t on ANY account, SLOW DOWN, slowing down would, in essence, allow the driver in the vehicle next to you NOT to feign the effects of an oncoming Heart Attack, scream for their Mummy and/or reach for the NON existent “Collective Lever” (The thing wot helicopters use in order to leave the surface if the Planet) and/or, try to crash through the central reservation barrier to escape the possibility of your Trailer damaging their paintwork!
Vans: (Many Colours Available)
If, or when buffeted by gusts of wind that cause your bodywork to vibrate, please STOMP on the BRAKE PEDAL, (That’s the one in the Middle), the stomping should if at all possible coincide with the exact frequency of the gusts of wind. This will ensure that those following behind that DON’T have fully calibrated Crystal Balls installed on their Dash WON’T have a (insert appropriate expletive here) clue as to what you are doing!
Small Hot Hatches:
If, or when buffeted by gusts of wind and you approach two lanes of slower moving traffic, please do use the universal sign that the other vehicles in front are holding you up: Snake from side to side, while making a “O” using you forefinger and thumb while moving your hand up and down trying to attract the driver in fronts attention! Other methods are also available, i.e., Drive as close as possible to the vehicle in front, this can be calibrated in either mm or thou, (depending on your age and year of Education), push/barge your way into the other lane and inner/overtake the slower vehicles. Please be aware that when this option is selected the built in “Human Reaction” in the other vehicle drivers will be activated instantly, this “Reaction” will, in most cases, make sure that the manoeuvre you are attempting will be thwarted 100%.
Topic coming up: Driving in Mist. (We haven’t experienced FOG in Years).
