Even more new jokes...

SPX

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The 'More Jokes' thread is a nightmare to post on because, I'm assuming, there's been that many posts.

Pretty much every time I post, it double posts, so I thought it'd be better to simply start a new thread....
 
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When EE said I'll get unlimited calls and texts with my new mobile contract, I didn't realise it would be from PPI insurance claim companies.
 
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An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth."

Reflecting on his life, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom."

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.

The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money"
 

ash59fifty-uk

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Young lad arrives home from his first day at school, walks into the kitchen and his dad is cutting up the turkey... Dad cuts himself with the knife and yells 'F**k!' Boy asks what that word means, dad says 'just another word for cutting something'.

On he goes upstairs and his sister is coming out of her room, zipping up her new jacket... breaks the zip and yells 'Oh Condom!' Boy asks what a condom is, his sister calmly replies 'just another word for a coat'.

Finally, he walks past his parents bedroom where his mother is sat at the dressing table, applying makeup. 'S**t!!' she yells, as she smudges her makeup. Boy asks what that word means. 'Another word for makeup, son'.

Shortly after, there's a knock on the door. Boy answers door, to find a police officer standing there. 'Hello young man' says the police officer, 'could you maybe get an adult for me?' to which the boy excitedly replies 'Sure! Come in, take your condom off. Mums sitting in the bedroom putting s**t on her face and dads f*****g the turkey!'
 

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Apologies in advance if this is offensive to some. I just found it funny.

I'm posting this because I think that many of you may remember one of America's greatest artists...Norman Rockwell.

For those of us who appreciate his classics, here is a rare print of Norman Rockwell's famous "Cat Prevents House Fire".

 
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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
 
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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife..
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloomin'well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!
"God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
 
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Bobby calls work and says "I'm not coming work today, I feel really sick. I've got headache, stomach ache and my head hurts. I'm not coming to work"

His boss says "You know something Bobby, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work, why don't you try it?"

Two hours later Bobby calls again "I did what you said, you were right, and I feel great now, I'll be at work soon."

"You've got a nice house boss".
 

markjay

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You know how people say that old folk always go to the fridge and by the time they open the fridge door they forgot what they were looking for? Well personally I think it's a load of rubbish, it does not happen that often at all, in fact I can't remember when I last did that.
 

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Mark, it's an age thing - with advancing age the second thing that goes is the memory - but I'm buggered if I can remember what the first is!!:dk::dk:
 

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A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What for?'
Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'
London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'
Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop. License And registration, please.'
London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'
Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'
London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'
Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'

The London lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the crap out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'
 

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