Your use situation is highly unusual, I don’t know of an EV which could even get close to meeting your requirements. That said you don't need to switch to an EV, so the fact that there isn’t a suitable EV doesn’t my matter in the short and medium term. In the long term, much can and will change.
Whilst your situation is unique, there are plenty of others - like
@BTB 500 - who have a very unusual set of requirements and which also cannot be satisfied with an EV. But again, that’s OK because they can carry on using their preferred ICE vehicles too, for many many years to come.
However there are many many many more people who could drive an EV without any meaningful compromise, but don’t and that’s OK too because they don't have to. They just don’t need to come up with a 1,001 reasons why not. It’s OK to just prefer driving an ICE car, that suffices.
@ALFAitalia is very open about the fact that he’d never want an EV, but that’s not because of the reasons others often mention, it’s because he just prefers ICE and doesn’t have to switch. I’m the same, I choose to drive ICE because I love driving them, however I will probably get another EV soon.
The reason being that I believe that if those who can do, then those who can’t don’t have to. I can, and so to protect my right to drive ICE for fun - and protect other’s rights to choose to for whichever reason, then I will probably buy an EV for munching miles, and keep my ICE for pleasure.