A Northerners Journey Into The Big Smoke

[Beno]

You'd struggle to find must lead in London these days, Us Essex boys have nicked it all

 

[nick mercedes]

When wishing to make a quick exit from London it's best not to weigh down the boot with all that stuff.

Surely there's plenty of room in the Transit for some scrap, even allowing for the W202?

 

[nick mercedes]

No, we actually took a roll of lead down to donate to these poor people.

Please help them, every pound you donate goes towards giving these people clean water wells.

By removing an old V8 from them you've helped some way to their pollution issues.

 

[Beno]

To any of our Northern brethren visiting the south east/London I found this vocabulary/translator to help you feel at home.


ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.
ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an
art attack."
ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to
clear up yer room."
BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club.
"Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."
BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
BAVE - To wash oneself.
BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the
reply.
BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.
CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from
the cancel."
CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.
CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with
mayonnaise.
CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.
DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.
DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"
EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."
EJOG - A small, spiky animal.
ERZ - Belonging to her.
EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer,
usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."
EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.
FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.
FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.
FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv
fingy last night."
FONG - Skimpy undergarment.
FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For
cryin at lad, Britney, if I say yes will you give it a rest?"
GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."
GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.
GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."
HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.
IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's
a bit iffy."
INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to
wash iz feet."
IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels. “That
Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."
JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."
JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"
JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"
KAF - Eating house open during the day.
KAFFY - A girl's name.
LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."
LARJ - Enjoying oneself.
LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.
LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.
MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.
MAFFS - The study of numbers.
MANOR - Local area.
MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).
NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but
changed er mind. That was a narra escape."
NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
NEEVA - Not one nor the other.
NES - National Elf Service.
OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."
OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."
PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they
got a padda puff defence."
PACIFIC - Specific.
PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.
PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.
PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.
PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."
RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.
RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."
REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.
I was on the reband from Craig."
ROOFLESS - Without compassion.
SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.
SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.
SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.
SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."
TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye
up the talent."
TAN *** - A modern terraced house.
TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well
top evvy."
UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."
UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.
VACHER - A document, which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a
vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."
WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."
WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.
WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".
YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."
YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true. "Craig, I
must’ve told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

 

[billywhiz]

Great story and very accurate - lot's of cocktail shakers in London for sure.

Here's hoping the V8 can now do some proper mileage on good roads instead of being cooped up in such a restrictive culture.

Alas I, sure the car will remain cockney in it's blood but I bet even it breathed a huge sigh of relief as it saw the signs for 'Up Nawf'

( great motor btw )

 

[trapperjohn]

^Love it. Post of the month.

Edit. Beno's traslator that is.

I find 01'ers have an amusing way of say WD40. Unfortunately I cant get it into words for the translation into Saff

 

[brucemillar]

To any of our Northern brethren visiting the south east/London I found this vocabulary/translator to help you feel at home.


ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.
ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an
art attack."
ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to
clear up yer room."
BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club.
"Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."
BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.
BAVE - To wash oneself.
BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the
reply.
BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.
CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from
the cancel."
CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.
CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with
mayonnaise.
CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)
DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.
DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.
DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.
DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"
EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."
EJOG - A small, spiky animal.
ERZ - Belonging to her.
EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer,
usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."
EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.
FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.
FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.
FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.
FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv
fingy last night."
FONG - Skimpy undergarment.
FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For
cryin at lad, Britney, if I say yes will you give it a rest?"
GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."
GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.
GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."
HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.
IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.
IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's
a bit iffy."
INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to
wash iz feet."
IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels. “That
Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."
JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."
JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"
JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"
KAF - Eating house open during the day.
KAFFY - A girl's name.
LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."
LARJ - Enjoying oneself.
LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.
LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.
MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.
MAFFS - The study of numbers.
MANOR - Local area.
MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).
NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but
changed er mind. That was a narra escape."
NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).
NEEVA - Not one nor the other.
NES - National Elf Service.
OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.
OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.
ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."
OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."
PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they
got a padda puff defence."
PACIFIC - Specific.
PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.
PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.
PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.
PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.
QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."
RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.
RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."
REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it.
I was on the reband from Craig."
ROOFLESS - Without compassion.
SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.
SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.
SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.
SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."
TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye
up the talent."
TAN *** - A modern terraced house.
TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well
top evvy."
UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."
UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.
VACHER - A document, which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a
vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."
WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."
WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.
WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".
YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."
YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.
ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true. "Craig, I
must’ve told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

That is 'kin brilliant. Well worth running the mince pies over.

 

[Deleted member 65149]

Well, my Dad who lives there will definitely say it IS in London, but we all know the truth, if it doesn't have a "London" post code, it aint London!

I spent the first 21 years of my life under the cloud of London postcodes (born W13, lived W7, school W5) so I know what London is (too much like SPX's original description!). But I later spent 19 years living in Harrow, initially working in EC2 then managing to escape to Wembley. Some folk will say that Harrow and Wembley are in GREATER London, thereby rendering them considerably better than the central areas. But for me they will always remain like my birthplace and part of Middlesex.

SPX, next time you're feeling brave enough to venture south you can stop off in Enfield at "Mick's Pie & Tash" [not a typo, that's really what it's called - they probably couldn't afford to have two "M"s on their shop name!] where you can enjoy pie, mash & liquor AND jellied eels (not necessarily on the same plate). That's all assuming, of course, that the owner is still able to run his car on left over liquor because he can't afford conventional fuel.

 

[Deleted member 65149]

That is 'kin brilliant. Well worth running the mince pies over.

Agreed. I took a butchers and got meself edicated. Neva knew that a Jacks was a fiver. We Westerners know nuffink.

 

[Ted]

Glad you escaped unscathed, might not have been so fortunate had you headed west rather than south.

BTW, where is this 'London' of which you speak?

 

[bpsorrel]

I spent from 9 'till 40 living in Wembley and finally escaped to the chilterns when I got married!

Don't miss London at all, but, saying that, I do like a taste of it every so often. Sadly, my Dad refuses to move up our way and at 87 I guess I can't blame him really, but it does mean regular trips back to wembley.

SPX, I know you were somewhat tongue in cheek about the poverty down here, but I do notice there are a lot more new and nearly new cars where I live now compared to the amount of older cars in the greater London area. Interesting..... must be the cheapness of houses up north..

 

[Beno]

^Love it. Post of the month.

Edit. Beno's traslator that is.

I find 01'ers have an amusing way of say WD40. Unfortunately I cant get it into words for the translation into Saff

John I believe the correct pronunciation is: DOUBLER D FORKY

 

[Scott_F]

No, I wasn't there long enough to pick up the lingo.

I didn't manage to see Hampton Wick, but there seemed to be a lot of their natives on the road.

If you venture down that way again you should possibly head further east.

I've heard that there may be some quaint villages with olde worlde charm (Tower Hamlets) and a leafy rural backwater (Bethnal Green).

 

[V12]

I'm just glad you're still alive after that ordeal.
Rescued a fine junk of metal along the way as well.

 

[neilrr]

Gotta say I'm bemused by all the north south stuff.

Where I used to live we'd think nothing of driving equivalent of to Birmingham to go out to dinner.

Here it's like you're entering a different country if you go 3 motorway junctions past your house.

Edit: From Maidenhead.

 

[brucemillar]

Gotta say I'm bemused by all the north south stuff.

Where I used to live we'd think nothing of driving equivalent of to Birmingham to go out to dinner.

Here it's like you're entering a different country if you go 3 motorway junctions past your house.

Edit: From Maidenhead.

Yorkshire is a different Country. Isn't it?

 

[billywhiz]

Yorkshire is a different Country. Isn't it?

Yup, different money, border control etc

 

[Howard]

Yup, different money, border control etc

Watchtowers , minefields .....

 

[Deleted member 37751]

Yorkshire is a different Country. Isn't it?

It's not a different country, it's a different planet...

 

[d w124]

It's not a different country, it's a different planet...

No wonder you didn`t like London Lee,I mean