Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics or Football please)

[John N]

This pub was next door to a hospital and one day this elderly man shuffles in, dressed in a hospital gown and slippers, he was pulling along a stand with a drip that was connected to his arm.

The landlord asked him what he wanted, and the man quietly said, “Can I have 2 pints of your Best Bitter, 2 pints of Guinness, a Lager, 4 Jack Daniels and Coke, 3 G&T’s, and 6 shots of Tequila please ?"

The landlord starts to pour the drinks and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all in quick succession, and immediately looked up to the landlord, and in a very sad and quiet voice said, “I really, really shouldn’t have drunk all that, especially with what I’ve got.”

The landlord said “Why, what have you got?”

The man says, “Oh … about £3.50p”

 

[ToeKnee]

 

[MikeInWimbledon]

This pub was next door to a hospital and one day this elderly man shuffles in, dressed in a hospital gown and slippers, he was pulling along a stand with a drip that was connected to his arm.

The landlord asked him what he wanted, and the man quietly said, “Can I have 2 pints of your Best Bitter, 2 pints of Guinness, a Lager, 4 Jack Daniels and Coke, 3 G&T’s, and 6 shots of Tequila please ?"

The landlord starts to pour the drinks and lines them up on the bar. The man downs them all in quick succession, and immediately looked up to the landlord, and in a very sad and quiet voice said, “I really, really shouldn’t have drunk all that, especially with what I’ve got.”

The landlord said “Why, what have you got?”

The man says, “Oh … about £3.50p”

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!" The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?" "I haven't got any money!"

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Dippo]

What do you call a computer that sings?



A Dell.

 

[MikeInWimbledon]

View attachment 152254

"No call for it." (Like the £2.40 Filter coffee that Starbucks really don't want to sell you)

 

[ss201]

What do you call a computer that sings?



A Dell.

Er, you've got the question almost right....

It should read

What do you call a computer that SHOUTS?

A. DELL

 

[OneForTheRoad]

 

[Flyinspanner]

 

[NJSS]

Two old ladies are sitting at a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off, and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp.

The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom and that you can buy it at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.

Sure enough, a few days later she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter, and says “Young man, I would like to buy a condom please”. The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies “Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before… um. What size do you need?” The old woman pauses, then replies “I need one that will fit a camel”.

 

[TC350]

"If a man is in a forest and his wife can't see or hear him, is he still wrong?"

Taken from a fascinating Facebook discussion on the rights and wrongs of leaving toilet seats and/or lids up.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[HappytalkAgain]

"If a man is in a forest and his wife can't see or hear him, is he still wrong?"

Taken from a fascinating Facebook discussion on the rights and wrongs of leaving toilet seats and/or lids up.

Leaving the toilet lid (never mind the seat) up is so wrong. The toilet looks just that bit nicer when lid is down. Needless to say we’re all in the same mindset in this house.

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

Let us hope that they doubled up the bailer twine holding it down!

 

[Swotty]

"If a man is in a forest and his wife can't see or hear him, is he still wrong?"

Taken from a fascinating Facebook discussion on the rights and wrongs of leaving toilet seats and/or lids up.

I wish .... Mrs Swotty can tell what I'm thinking. I try to think of cars all the time but occasionally - just occasionally - I think of sex.

Usually with her.

 

[SpikyMikey]

 

[ALFAitalia]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]