Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics or Football please)

[A.J.]

Not sure I am hungry anymore.................

 

[Deleted member 159894]

golden.

 

[Swotty]

View attachment 124189

You started it.

The word you're looking for is "irony".

 

[Deleted member 159894]

You started it.

The word you're looking for is "irony".

You don't remember posting the, unfunny, fortune cookie joke on December the 15th last year do you?

I'm not short of words thanks.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Swotty]

You don't remember posting the, unfunny, fortune cookie joke on December the 15th last year do you?

I'm not short of words thanks.

Unfunny to you; perhaps not to others. That's the beauty of humour.

Anyway, wow, you have a good memory.

Glad to hear you're not short of words. Now, tell me ... how did you remember that?

How do you look that up?

Asking ... for a friend, who thinks I may have a stalker.

 

[Deleted member 159894]

Unfunny to you; perhaps not to others. That's the beauty of humour.

Anyway, wow, you have a good memory.

Glad to hear you're not short of words. Now, tell me ... how did you remember that?

How do you look that up?

Asking ... for a friend, who thinks I may have a stalker.

Triggered.

 

[Swotty]

Triggered.

You are Roy Rogers and I claim my £5.

 

[markjay]

I was looking on Amazon for a Japanese Harakiri sword, but couldn't find one with any reviews.

 

[flying haggis]

My wife just said that if I don't get off my computer and do some of the little jobs that need doing around the house she'll slam my head on the keyboard,



but I think she's full of shifjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathna

 

[Gazwould]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

UK RAISES ALERT LEVEL

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent Russian threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The Russians have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”

The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.”

They don’t have any other levels.
This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.”

The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability. They have also started wearing their reversible coats .

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”
Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.”

So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

 

[Darrell]