More Jokes

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A man was relaxing in his back garden, sitting
in the shade sipping a beer and listening to the
radio. As he chilled out, his wife struggled with
a manual mower, pushing up and down the large
lawn, sweating and red-faced.
The next door neighbour saw the woman battling
with the mower and shouts across the fence, "You
pathetic excuse for a man! You're just sitting
there sipping your beer while your poor wife cuts
the grass. You should be bloody well hung!"
"I am." he shouts back.
"That's why she's doing the grass."
 
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Only one person knows where flight MH370 is…….

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Police are hunting for a vicious attacker who has been stabbing a series of victims with knitting needles. Detectives believe he may be following some kind of pattern......

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I set my phone to aeroplane mode a couple of weeks back…….






……...I still can't find it………..

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Have you heard Coldplays new single?

It's called Chris Martin.
 
Husband’s Message (by cellphone):

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking X-rays. The blow to my head though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But, I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.


Wife’s Response:

Who’s Paula?
 
Golf Panties....

A Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb....tidy yerself up a bit.'
 
Some friends and I have just invented the Oscar Pistorious drinking game.

We all sit around watching the trial and whenever anyone goes to the bathroom we all have four quick shots.
 
3 couples find themselves in the same honeymoon hotel on their wedding night and all get to talking. As the night gets late the women go off to the rooms to get themselves ready leaving the men at the bar having a nightcap.
One guy says to the others “I have an idea, as it’s our wedding night why not have a little competition and see who can manage it most times tonight ?”
The second chap says “It’s a good idea but if we get caught we’ll all be single again tomorrow.”
Third man says “ I have an idea, however many times you manage it, order that many slices of toast with breakfast and we’ll all know without the women having a clue. So having agreed off they all go to bed.
The following morning they are round the table and the waiter comes over. The first couple order 2 full English and the man says “ can we have 4 slices of toast please” and smiles at the other two couples.
The waiter goes to the second couple and with a grin the man says “ Can we have 2 full English please, and can you bring 5 slices of toast”
The waiter goes to the third couple and with a beaming smile the man says “Can we have 2 full English as well please and can you bring 6 slices of toast ?”
As the waiter walks away the guy calls to him and says “And can you make that 4 white and 2 brown”
 
I just heard that a midget got pick pocketed yesterday - how could anyone stoop so low......?

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A Scotsman and a Jewish gentleman were having a magnificent meal at one of the finest restaurants in London .At the end of the evening the waiter came over to present the bill and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just gae the bill tae me". The headlines in the local newspaper next day proclaimed "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
 
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I work for the Samaritans, but called in sick this morning - after an hour they'd talked me out of it.

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A lawyer and a old man are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that old people are so stupid that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the old man would like to play a fun game.

The old man is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun..."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500.00," he says.

This catches the old man's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The old man doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the old man's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the old man and hands him £500.00. The old man pockets the £500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the old man up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The old man reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer £5.00, and goes back to sleep.
 
SHOCKING STORY



Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his
missing wife:

Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector: What is her height ?
Husband: I never checked.
Inspector: Slim or healthy ?.
Husband: Not slim , she can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes ?
Husband: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair ?
Husband: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure . It may have been a dress or maybe a suit.
Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.
Inspector: Tell me the type & color of the car ? . . . . .
Husband: A black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating
333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic
transmission with manual mode. It has full LED headlights, which
use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin
scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying...

Inspector: Don't worry sir,... . .We will find your car.
 
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Last will & testament

The other day I was sitting at the computer drafting my will. I called out to my wife, and said "When I die, I'm going to leave everything to you, love."



She shouted back, "You already do, you lazy *******."
 
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