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More Jokes

glojo

glojo

Hardcore MB Enthusiast
Joined
Sep 15, 2004
Messages
14,652
Location
Torquay
Car
S211 Sprinter 213CDI, & the new T-class
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge
fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death
with a spade.



Realising his employer wont be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do?

Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.



He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them! into the lions cage because
lions eat anything.



Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"



(wait for it!!)....











The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
Mushy Bees."
 
dear dad

a father passing by his sons bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made up and everything was picked up.then he saw an envelope propped up on the bed it was addressed dad with the worst feeling he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands



dear dad

it is with great regret and sorrow that im writing this.i had to elope with my new girlfriend,because i wanted to avoid a scene with you and mum.ive been finding real passion with barbara and she is so nice even with all her piercings and tattoos and her tight motocycle clothes.
but its not only the passion dad shes pregnant and barbara says we will be very happy.even though you dont care for her as she is much older than me,she already owns her own trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood ready for the winter.
she wants to have many more children with me and now thats one of my dreams too.
barbara has taught me that marijuana doesnt really hurt anyone and we will be growing it for ourselves and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
in the meantime,we will pray that science finds a cure for aids so barbara can get better she sure deserves it!!
dont worry dad im 15 years old now and i know how to take care of myself someday we will be back to visit so you can see your children.



p.s.dad,none of this is true,im over at the neighbours house i just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card thats in my top desk drawer
i love you
call when its safe for me to come home.
darren
 
[quote/]............................
p.s.dad,none of this is true,im over at the neighbours house i just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card thats in my top desk drawer
i love you
call when its safe for me to come home.
darren[/quote]

PMSL:D :D :D
 
Little riddle:
What was the highest mountain before Mt Everest was discovered?
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-
-
-
-
-Just because it hadn't been discovered, it would still have been Mt Everest!
 
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .
12) The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

:)
 
A woman is walking down the street one day when she see's a man with an orange for a head, she tried to resist but curiosity finally took a-hold of her and she went over to him.
"Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking but...why do you have an orange for a head?"
...the bloke said "well, actually it's a really interesting story...I was cleaning out my attic last week when i found this really old dusty lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie popped out and said I could have three wishes!"
..."oh wow!, so what did you wish for then"..."well, first I wished that I was the richest man in the world, and the next morning I woke up with £100,000,000 in my bank account!"..." thats amazing! So what did you wish for next?"..."well next, I wished that I was married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and the next morning I woke up to find this absolute stunner in bed next to me!"...
"lucky you! So...what was your third wish then?"..."I wished for an Orange as a head..."


Is 100% better when told to you.
 
whats the difference between an elephant and a rhino

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hell if I know.

jib
 
young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his Mum's thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking but I assure you Simon & I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan. You don't suppose she took it do you?". "Well I doubt it - but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul. So he sat down and wrote:



DEAR MOTHER,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT, IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.
LOVE PAUL



Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:




DEAR SON,
I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON - BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.
LOVE MUM
 
Just a thought. Couldn't the JOKE THREAD become a sticky. Great fun but threads can disappear so fast and this great collection of humour gets lost.
 
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife
stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed:
"Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife
merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen."

God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning,
sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose,
cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school
clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to
school,
came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and
stopped at the
Bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put
away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He
cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the
laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the
school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the
way
home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their
homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the
ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad,
breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After
supper,
he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the
kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his
daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to
make
love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my
wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade
back."

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have
Learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the
way
they were." You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got
pregnant last night."

 
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life backwards

It would be good to have our life to live backwards.

You start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you
get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play,you have no
responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap,and then, you
finish off as an orgasm!

I rest my case.
 
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

Couldn't help but post this one, it made me giggle! :D

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."
 
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I GRANT YOU ONE WISH


A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach, when suddenly the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic! Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.


Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."


The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
 
I'll Grant You One Wish :) (sorry about that)

One day two prawns were swimming in the ocean when they were approached by a large ugly cod. This cod offered to grant the two prawns one wish each. The first prawn who was called Joshua wished that he could live a long life; the other prawn called Christian wished that he was a shark so that he could be king of the ocean.

Poof! the wish was granted, but as soon as Christian turned into a shark his friend Joshua fled in terror. No matter where Christian went all the prawns would flee in terror. Poor Christian was so upset. Lonely and without any friends he bumped into the large old cod.

“PLEASE, please allow me to be my old self, PLEASE, please turn me back into a prawn?”

Poof! The big ugly cod waved his magic fin and the shark turned back into Christian the friendly prawn. Off the prawn swam to see his old friend Joshua. When he arrived at Joshua’s house he knocked on the door and shouted,

“Joshua, Joshua, let me in, I want to play”

“Go away” shouted Joshua, “You’ll eat me all up”

“No, no” cried Christian

>>






>>






>>





>>

“I’M A PRAWN AGAIN CHRISTIAN”


Get it.... born again Christian :o :o :o
 
How to tell the sex of a bird

I say nothing :devil:

Seagull.gif
 
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