More Jokes
wallingd
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2005
- Messages
- 2,039
???
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. < /P>
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
pammy
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2003
- Messages
- 7,468
- Location
- North Yorkshire
- Car
- hers - slk 320, his - dull diesel BMW fleet :/, Xtrail, Honda CBR 1100xx, Yamaha YZF600, Ribble Road
GRAV888
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Mar 5, 2003
- Messages
- 6,324
- Location
- Rochester and Lancashire
- Car
- 2017 CLA 180 AMG in Black (mine) 2018 GLA 200 SE in Black (wifes)
Paddy and Murphy went flying one day in a bi-plane.
Paddy says 'ere Murphy, if I do a loop the loop, do you think we'll fall out?'
'No' says Murphy, 'we've been friends for years'.
Paddy says 'ere Murphy, if I do a loop the loop, do you think we'll fall out?'
'No' says Murphy, 'we've been friends for years'.
hawk20
MB Enthusiast
Bear what a cracker.
ROFL
ROFL
Gucci
MB Enthusiast
Irish Airline, AirFungus, about to descend for their runway. The co-pilot was asked by the pilot to land the plane for the first time. BUT, he said, this is probably the toughest of all landing strips....it ain't very big.
When you approach, pull that lever, push this button and twist this switch as hard and as quickly as possible, then pray...hit the brakes with all your might.
The co-pilot held the lever with sweaty hands, saw the strip approaching, the pilot shouts NOW...he pulls, pushes, twists and prays as the plane lands abruptly and screeches to a halt as he stamps on the brakes.
WOW..that is the shortest runway I've ever seen....
Yeah I know, but just look how f****ing wide it is!
When you approach, pull that lever, push this button and twist this switch as hard and as quickly as possible, then pray...hit the brakes with all your might.
The co-pilot held the lever with sweaty hands, saw the strip approaching, the pilot shouts NOW...he pulls, pushes, twists and prays as the plane lands abruptly and screeches to a halt as he stamps on the brakes.
WOW..that is the shortest runway I've ever seen....
Yeah I know, but just look how f****ing wide it is!
purplegoddess
Active Member
A little girl and her mother were out and about.
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.
The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
pammy
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Dec 2, 2003
- Messages
- 7,468
- Location
- North Yorkshire
- Car
- hers - slk 320, his - dull diesel BMW fleet :/, Xtrail, Honda CBR 1100xx, Yamaha YZF600, Ribble Road
Two blind pilots were both wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide Dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people Sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people Sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
One day Johnny's mum was cleaning his room.
In the wardrobe she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting
to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed
it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a
word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank
him."
In the wardrobe she found an S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting
to her. She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed
it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a
word.
She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank
him."
hawk20
MB Enthusiast
No sign of admin making the joke pages into a sticky is there? Pity.
Anyway, here's another one:-
Those who think Mercs are expensive and doubt the old adage that price matters may like to consider the following true story: -
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling lonely. So God said He was going to make Adam a companion and it would be a woman.
“This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and she will agree to every decision you make,” He said.
“She will never nag you. She will bear your children and never ask you to change a nappy. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam looked amazed. He asked God “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked “What can I get for a rib?”
Anyway, here's another one:-
Those who think Mercs are expensive and doubt the old adage that price matters may like to consider the following true story: -
Adam was hanging around the Garden of Eden feeling lonely. So God said He was going to make Adam a companion and it would be a woman.
“This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you, and she will agree to every decision you make,” He said.
“She will never nag you. She will bear your children and never ask you to change a nappy. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.”
Adam looked amazed. He asked God “What will a woman like this cost?”
God replied “An arm and a leg.”
Then Adam asked “What can I get for a rib?”
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
On the day of the Prince Edwards wedding, Sophie was getting dressed, surrounded by all her family, and she suddenly realised she had forgotten to get any shoes.
Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.
' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Panic. Then her sister remembered that she had a pair of white shoes from her wedding so she lent them to Sophie for the day.
Unfortunately they were a bit too small and by the time the festivities were over Sophie's feet were agony. When she and Edward withdrew to their room the only thing she could think of was getting her shoes off.
The rest of the Family crowded round the door to the bedroom and they heard roughly what they expected, grunts, straining noises and the occasional muffled scream.
Eventually they heard Edward say 'God, that was tight.' 'There,' whispered the Queen. 'I told you she was a virgin.'
Then, to their surprise, they heard Edward say. 'Right. Now for the other one.' Followed by more grunting and straining and at last Edward said 'My God. That was even tighter.
' That's my boy,' said the Duke. 'Once a sailor, always a sailor.'
Last edited:
llewellynd
Member
Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were.
The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends. The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends. The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
OP
OP
glojo
Hardcore MB Enthusiast
Following on from looking at that young lady riding a bike!
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Sainsbury's when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your Wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
I think Gollom found her
John
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Sainsbury's when they collide.
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your Wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
I think Gollom found her
John
Last edited:
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
In the supermarket with his dad, a little boy was flipping a 10p piece into the air and then catching it with his teeth. Someone bumped the little boy at the wrong moment and the 10p came down and lodged into the boy's throat.
The boy starts to choke and his father starts hollering for help.
A middle aged man hears the commotion, casually puts his trolley to the side, straightens his coat and tie, and makes his way to the boy and his father.
"Excuse me, sir," the man tells the father. The man reaches down to the still standing (but still choking) boy, carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles, and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 10p, which the man catches in his free hand. The man releases the boy and walks back over to his trolley.
After making sure his son is ok, the father walks over to the man and thanks him profusely for saving his son's life. "I've never seen anyone do that -- that's amazing! Are you a surgeon?"
"Oh good heavens, no," replied the slightly embarrassed man. "I work for the Inland Revenue."
The boy starts to choke and his father starts hollering for help.
A middle aged man hears the commotion, casually puts his trolley to the side, straightens his coat and tie, and makes his way to the boy and his father.
"Excuse me, sir," the man tells the father. The man reaches down to the still standing (but still choking) boy, carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles, and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 10p, which the man catches in his free hand. The man releases the boy and walks back over to his trolley.
After making sure his son is ok, the father walks over to the man and thanks him profusely for saving his son's life. "I've never seen anyone do that -- that's amazing! Are you a surgeon?"
"Oh good heavens, no," replied the slightly embarrassed man. "I work for the Inland Revenue."
R2e
Active Member
What's brown and sits on a piano stool?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Beethoven's last movement
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Beethoven's last movement
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
A guy walks into a pub with his pet monkey. He orders a pint, and while he's drinking, the monkey is jumping around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them. He then jumps on the pool table, grabs one of the balls and to everyone's amazement, swallows it whole.
The barman screams at the guy: ' Did you see what your monkey just did ?'
'No, what ?'
' He just ate the cue ball off my pool table !'
' Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replies the guy. ' He eats everything in sight. I'm sorry about that, I'll pay for the ball and other stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays the bill and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey picks up a cherry, sticks it up his bum, pull it out and eats it. The monkey then finds a peanut, again sticks this up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.
The barman is disgusted. ' Did you see what your monkey did ?'
' No,' replied the man.
' Well, he stuck a cherry and then a peanut up his bum, pulled them out and then ate them.'
' That doesn't surprise me,' replied the man.
' He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first !'
The barman screams at the guy: ' Did you see what your monkey just did ?'
'No, what ?'
' He just ate the cue ball off my pool table !'
' Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replies the guy. ' He eats everything in sight. I'm sorry about that, I'll pay for the ball and other stuff.'
The guy finishes his drink, pays the bill and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey picks up a cherry, sticks it up his bum, pull it out and eats it. The monkey then finds a peanut, again sticks this up his bum, pulls it out and eats it.
The barman is disgusted. ' Did you see what your monkey did ?'
' No,' replied the man.
' Well, he stuck a cherry and then a peanut up his bum, pulled them out and then ate them.'
' That doesn't surprise me,' replied the man.
' He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first !'
Bear
Active Member
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Messages
- 374
- Location
- South London.England
- Car
- W123 300D G460 280 GE G460 300 GDT
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"