More Jokes

[purplegoddess]

The Rooster & The Cat


The Rooster & The Cat!

A rooster is walking along one day when he comes to a riverbank with a
big bag of cat food beside it. Uninterested in the bag, he looks over to
the other side and sees a huge bag of chicken feed which instantly makes
his mouth water. Beside the bag of feed is a small cat that is hungrily
eyeing the cat food on his side.

The two look at each other and wonder what to do. The rooster says, "I
know, if we run & jump high enough we should be able to make it to the
other side."

The cat responds "OK, let's give it a try"

The rooster heads back about 15 feet, makes a run for it and jumps as
high as he can. He flaps his wings like crazy and just makes it to the bag
and starts devouring the chicken feed.

The cat, now more motivated than ever, heads back about 20 feet and
makes a run for it. He jumps, and SPLASH! He lands right in the middle of the river.

The Moral of the Story:

For every satisfied c**k, there's a wet pussy!

 

[MBManInKen]

Nothing wrong with that!

Who are you again?

 

[purplegoddess]

Anyone Here


Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

 

[purplegoddess]

Anniversary


A guy says, "For our Twentieth Anniversary, I'm taking my wife to Australia."

His friend says, "That's going to be tough to beat. What are you going to do for your Twenty-fifth Anniversary?"

The first guy says, "I'm going to go back and get her."

 

[purplegoddess]

Be Politically Correct With Men


He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME.

He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER.

He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION.

He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER.

He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION.

He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.



Be Politically Correct With Women


She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE - She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK - She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY - She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED - She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES.

She does not want to be MARRIED - She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT - She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY - She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE - She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS - She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME - She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GO SHOPPING - She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIR HEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY - She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID - She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP - She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

 

[splang]

Particularily for carrotchomper

rpt

 

[imadoofus]

Note to self: Read the joke at the top of page five, before posting it on page 6...

PJ

 

[Bear]

At the National Art Gallery in New York husband and wife were staring at
a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park
bench.

Two of the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a
pink willy. The curator of the gallery realised that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal
society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink
willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a Yorkshire man, approached the couple and said,

Would thee like to know what t'paintings really bout?"

"Now why would you claim

to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.

"Cos I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.

"In fact, there's no African Americans in it at all. They're just three
Yorkshire coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

 

[splang]

Doh!

PJ

 

[Bear]

A German guy approaches a prostitute. "I vish to buy sex vit you".
"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge €80 an hour".
"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".
"No problem" she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky".
So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.
"I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds This most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.
"Now you vill get on your hans und knees" She duly does this, balancing on the springs.
"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you." She finds this odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.
The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.
The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say: "That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"
"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique"

 

[gl boy]

I'm a gay man - so why don't you tell me why that is?

i am sorry if i have offended you or anybody else with this joke(i appolagised before hand about the joke as some people still think that being gay is still frowned upon I don't also it was a gay man who told this joke to me) sorry again ///

 

[Bear]

Dear New BMW Owner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure that
it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle
enhancement.

However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements
that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her
vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the
following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:

* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture,
clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance
and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person

* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane
changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course
you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the
freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the
road, even if they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person

* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person

If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:

* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person

* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person

* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to.
$1500/person

These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of
ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.

In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking.
These include:

* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Three weeks. $500/person

* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW
mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it
breaks. $750/person

* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really
tough customers.

Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and
in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.

Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!

 

[Bear]

A golfer in Ireland sliced his drive into the rough.
While looking for the ball he came across a leprechaun
trapped in some brambles. Using his driver as a lever he freed the leprechaun.
"For what you have done Leprechaun Law requires that I grant you three wishes".
"I don't believe in that sort of thing" said the golfer and strode away which left the leprechaun with a problem. The only solution was to arrange three good things for the golfer using leprechaun magic. He decided to improve the golfer's health, improve his golf game and improve his sex life.
Several monthe later the golfer again sliced into the rough and came across the wee man.
"Hi" said the leprechaun "remember me?'"
"May I ask you some personal questions?
"How is your health?"
'Much better" said the golfer "I used to suffer from severe arthritis but all that has gone now"
" How is your golf game?'
"Tremendous improvement. I am now the club champion"
"What about your sex life?"
"It's O.K."
What do you mean "O.K.? How often do you have sex?"
"About once a week."
"Once a week !! surely a good looking man like you can do better than that".

"For a parish priest in a small village it's not bad."

 

[Bear]

A gynaecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust..."

 

[Godot]

Tesco launches 'pre-chewed' food for busy commuters

Tesco today launched a new range of ‘pre-chewed’ ready meals to save time for busy commuters. The new range called ‘Easy Eats’ have been partially chewed by carefully chosen groups, including environmentally-aware Amazonian Indians.
‘We all know it is important to eat fresh food, but that can involve a lot of time-consuming mastication,’ explained spokesperson James Blanche. “Our new range allows busy commuters to get all the nutrients, while reducing their ‘chewtime’.
‘We choose our pre-chewers from endangered indigenous groups, who also add a certain exotic flavour to the meals.’ he added. As well as the Amazon ‘IndoSoftSteak’, the range includes seafood half eaten by Alaskan Inuits, and root vegetables semi-masticated by French peasant farmers – ‘with just a hint of garlic-breath’.
The new range was launched at a glitzy ceremony on London’s Oxford Street attended by several of the Amazonian pre-chewers in traditional dress, who demonstrated their special skills and offered taste tests to members of the public.

Blanche said if the new line is a success, the company is considering branching out into hard-to-chew deserts, such as rock cakes and toffees. ‘Given the time pressures many city residents face, we see ready meals as a growth market.’ However, the supermarket is recalling one batch of pre-chewed Thai chicken satay for one. ‘All we can say in our defence is that we didn’t know the chewer had herpes when the batch left our depot.’

All this & Club Card Points too!:bannana::bannana:

 

[verytalldave]

Not so much a joke - more of a brain teaser......
Right - thinking hats on...........

You are in a small boat floating about in a small pond.
In the boat with you is a regular, normal house brick.
You pick the brick up and throw it into the pond.
What happens to the water level in the pond?
Does it........
1. Go down slightly
2. Go up slightly
3. Stay the same level.

No clever alec replies please. There is a scientifically correct answer to this.
First correct answer - with the correct reason WHY - wins a free holiday to Tilbury Docks.

I will post the answer if I remember.......

 

[MBManInKen]

Does it........
1. Go down slightly
2. Go up slightly
3. Stay the same level.

No clever alec replies please. There is a scientifically correct answer to this.

You didn't provide all the required info , because the outcome depends on the material of the brick, more specifically it's density.

While in the boat, the brick will cause a displacement of water equal to its mass.

When dropped in the pond, the water displacement will be equal to that of the brick's volume.

Density = mass/volume

So, for relatively dense materials like granite rock (about 2600kg/m3), the water level will go down, as the displacement of water while in the boat is greater than when submerged.

Archimedes discovered this principle a loooong time ago .

 

[verytalldave]

Well, that didnt take long did it. Correct as well.
I did say a NORMAL house brick - ie - it wont float - its density is greater than 1 - therefore your assumptions were correct.
Well done....:bannana:

You win the holiday. Its for one person to be taken sometime between 23/09/2014 to 24/09/2014. To claim your holiday please phone this premium rate phone number below and listen to the short 5 hour message for all the details..........
09223-2311904.

 

[MBManInKen]

You win the holiday. Its for one person to be taken sometime between 23/09/2014 to 24/09/2014. To claim your holiday please phone this premium rate phone number below and listen to the short 5 hour message for all the details..........
09223-2311904.

Standard industry practices I see

 

[Bear]

At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an Inspector to audit the books of a Synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his question
had a practical answer.
The Tax man went on, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these bread purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save all the foreskins and send them to the Tax office, and about once a year, they send us a complete ****".